Dealing with Jealousy

Graduate school is a closed system.  When you are in it you feel that you will never leave, and you constantly compare yourself to other students.

When you quit, prepare for some of your friends to be jealous.  When you get a job, prepare for them to be jealous.  Even if you stay, prepare for them to be jealous when you finish your comp exams, or file your dissertation.  It isn't even their fault--the environment itself is toxic and many faculty actively encourage deep competition between students that can lead to alienation and an inability to understand that someone else's success isn't coming at your expense.

That's why it is so important to make friends and build yourself a network.  Everyone struggles with graduate school, so study groups, fellow graduate student friends, and support from your fellow Teaching Assistants is critical. Some programs are incredibly cut throat, and I know some of you cannot find a friendly face in your program. If that is the case, look to buddy up with graduate students in other departments.  You need people you can vent to, look to for advice, and count on for emotional support and advice navigating your program.  You need peers more than ever.

Sometimes you can find these people at seminars, in coursework outside your department, or with others who are interested in similar research to you.  Sometimes they are ahead of you in your program (which is always helpful!), or even junior faculty.  If all else fails look for local meet ups, book clubs, or even join a casual sports team. 

And try to be supportive yourself. It's easy to feel jealous of other's success, but it's a lot less lonely to celebrate with them.

Welcome Back to School!

It's fall, and that means two things.  Students heading back to school, and students realizing that those schools and graduate programs might not be the best fit for them.  Every year I see my traffic spike over the fall months.  Some of us knew that first day that the program we selected wasn't right for us. For others, the doubts grow over the months and even years.

Regardless of your situation, Welcome!  You are not alone.  Know that there are many who feel the same way you do--and that some go on to both finish their programs and land academic jobs, while others quit and never look back.

If you're new to the site, check out some of my more popular posts.  If you're back again for the umpteenth time and still struggling for answers, check out my 85% rule, and my five year update!

Doubts on Leaving Grad School 

Should you Leave or Stick it Out? 

Standing by the 85% Rule

Giving Notice: How to Exit Graduate School Gracefully

Giving Notice:  How to Gracefully Exit out of Graduate School Part II

Advice for Foreign Graduate Students 

What I Really Learned in Graduate School Even Though I Quit 

Quitting Grad School as My Best Life Decision

December 2017 marked the fifth anniversary of my quitting graduate school. 

It was an anniversary that came and passed, but I frankly took no notice of that because I was a little preoccupied I gave birth to my daughter. Quitting grad school is the best decision I’ve ever made in my life. It’s so clear in retrospect it was time for me to leave my program even though at the time it was a difficult and complicated decision. 

Quitting has been fantastic for my career. At the time I left my grad school program I calculated I was 10 years behind my peers who had chosen to go straight into their career fields. It took me three years after leaving, two jobs, and a lucky break to catch up to them in terms of salary. Within the last two years I’ve been able to work my way into a mid-level job with a good salary base that is well beyond what I would be making as a assistant professor. My husband and I bought house in a high cost of living area, contribute to retirement, bought and paid off a car and were finally able to make forward progress on our life goals. 

But it’s not just the money. I realize now that if I had stayed to finish the PhD I would have felt compelled to take a job that required the credential even though I’ve come to realize that a lot of the research and analyst positions I thought I wanted were not in any way a good fit for me or even something I desired. That’s not to say that everything is awesome--there are still challenges and everyone makes compromises. I know in the long-term I’m interested in consulting and working for myself and that a whole new round of transitions will be necessary to do that. But quitting has given me the perspective that I can walk away when something isn’t working and be just fine. 

It is amazing to look back at how far I’ve come in last five years and when I look at my daughter I realize how important it is to build the life you want because you’re the only one who has to live it. We put so much pressure on ourselves and allow others to put pressure on us, too, but ultimately success in life comes down to being willing and able to determine what you want and go for it.  Not everyone needs to quit but if you feel the call, if you’re floundering, failing or even succeeding but miserable, you owe it to yourself to have the tough conversation. Be honest even when it’s uncomfortable and even when it’s scary to face decisions and be an active participant in shaping the future you want for yourself. 

That said, my experience is not going to be your experience. But I hope at least by sharing my perspective that I can be helpful to some of you. I took so much comfort in finding others online who had similar experiences to myself and who had been brave enough to leave. When you find yourself searching for an answer that you cannot seem to find the answer to, you have to look to yourself. 

Good luck!