Your Intellectual Life After Academia

Now that I have been out of school for almost two months, and fully employed for a little over one, I want to address a fear that graduate students contemplating leaving academia likley have:  the end of your intellectual life.  To paraphrase Mark Twain, rumours of your brain's demise have been greatly exaggerated.

This was not an issue I particulalry struggled with: I was, afterall, in the process of writing a book before I applied to school.  Still, the big lie of the life of the mind has a powerful pull, and I realize that others may worry about what happens after Professors and the pressure to publish remove any required reading.

What You Won't Miss

First, I have not read a single article from my discipline since leaving.  Not one.  However, that does not mean I have not been reading other academic fields.  I still have remote access through my university, and there are a few projects that leaving has freed me up to pursue.  I'm finally free to pursue lines of research that interested me, but not my department, and for a more general audience where I think my arguments will be more impactful.

Also, leaving Academia has also freed me from conventions I hate:  Only capitalizing the first word of titles.  ARGH  #$^%! I never got used to that, can't stand it, and have now flaunt my Capitalized Titles with Reckless Abandon!

Voracious and Changed Reading Habits

Now that I get to read what I want, when I want, and without the obligation to read hanging over me, I have actually been reading more.  My initial reading list can best be characterized as escapist rebellion:  as a recovering social scientist I set aside non-fiction for historical novels, which I previously claimed to hate.  Most reading focused on political intrigue of 15th and 16th century English court.  Why?  Perhaps the politics of my department, or the anticiapted political and policy angle of my now current job. Regardless, this constituted a complete 180.  Who knows the source of my motivations, but after years of supressing my desires and interests the deal I made with my soul once I quit was that I was going to let myself do pretty much whatever I wanted.  As you can see, I also threw some Papal history into the mix:


Mary Queen of Scotts and the Isles
The Other Bolyn Girl
The Borgias 


What You Read May Change
Primarily, I have also shifted from the purely academic books to smart, intellectually stimulating novels, short stories, and non-fiction.  In the two months since I have left, I have also finished:

Misconceptions: Truth, Lies and the Unexpected on the Journey to Motherhood
Another City: Writing from Los Angeles
City Making: Building Communities without Building Walls

That's between 1000-2000 pages of reading, not including online articles and newspapers, let alone the reading, research, and policy analyis I do for my job.

Don't Put Pressure On Yourself
The biggest advice I have is to relax and let yourself recover. Initially, my lack of writing has been disapointing.  However, I also realize that quitting graduate school, finding a new job, and adjusting to life post Ph.D. track is an  intense and emotional process. I've just started to think about writing again, but I'm reducing my expectations of myself.   It could be six months or a year before I pick up the writing I want to do, and that is ok. Of course, I didn't come to this highly rational and circumspect conclusion alone, which is why I still recommend a good therapist!

Transitioning Out of Grad School: What To Wear

Leaving graduate school involves a lot of change and upheaval.  It might mean adopting a new 9-5 schedule, or deciding that Every Word of a Title Should Be Capitalized (thank you very much), or  it might entail a  new wardrobe.  Graduate students enjoy the luxury of being able to wear whatever they want: t-shirts and ripped jeans, skull motifs, or dreadlocks.  On the other hand, graduate students are often wearing what they can afford, and putting together a new work wardrobe can be expensive.

So how do you go about building a career wardrobe before your first pay check comes in? Don't go overboard. In a pinch you can get away with rotating clothes and changing out accessories to stretch five tops, one or two pairs of pants, and a skirt for the first two weeks.  The key is to not wear the same top and bottom, or layer a cardigan or distinctive necklace to make your outfit look different.  Don't believe it can be done? Check out this blog which restyled the same dress 365 different ways for an entire year.

I recommend beginning to acquire pieces as you go. Getting a suit or picking up a few tops for conferences mean you should already have an interviewing outfit.  For those of you trying to assemble an entire wardrobe, or curious about what it entails, I've put together some suggestions based on 1) My experience of what I actually use; 2) Some tips for saving money.

What to Buy New:

You need one classic suit.  Normally, I would recommend a matching black suit jacket and pants with a skirt.  Express, Banana Republic, and Macy's are good places to purchase these. Express and Macy's both have frequent coupons either in the paper or by mail.  Expect to pay between $150-$350 if you aren't willing to spend a lot of time and energy trying to save money.

However, if you have at least one good black suit jacket, women can get away with getting a suit set from Ross or Marshals, where you are unlikely to find the perfect basic black suit.  I often find Anne Klein, Tahari, or Calvin Klein for $100 or less for a full suit, but often in gray, or a less formal cut than you would want for your most versatile or classic wardrobe.  But, if you are pressed for cash it may be cheaper for you to just purchase a nice black jacket you can mix with separates,  and the best-looking and best-fitting full suit you can find.  Unless you are working in the most corporate of environments, a non-black suit will be just fine.  You might even feel overdressed or like catering staff if you wear a black suit jacket and black pants in a less than super formal work environment.

Of course, if you can find a full suit at a thrift store or consignment shop in good condition, congratulations!  I've never been able to do it, but pat yourself on the back and please put the money you save toward happy hour.

What to Buy Used:

Once you have a nice suit and/or a versatile black jacket, you can afford to expand your search.  I find that the easiest work attire to find at thrift stores and consignment second hand shops are sweaters and tops, and skirts.  Work appropriate dresses are generally harder to find, and attractive suits that look like they are made for people under the age of eighty five are generally rare.  The exception is uncoordinated jackets. I have picked up tons of blazers in various colors and textures, which work great mixed with the various skirts and tops (leather, corduroy, plaid, blue, etc.).
 
Skirts and dresses can be dry cleaned, or you can tie them in a pillow case and hope they make it. If your purchases from the thrift store smell, throw a cup of white vinegar into the washing machine and voila!  Everything will come out unscented.   If you skip this step, it doesn't matter how many loads you run it through, something about the vinegar really removes any scent.

How much should you expect to spend?  Well, there are some great places where everything is 99 cents.  I don't have those where I live. In my experience, a thrift store dress will run you between $3 to $9, and skirts $3-$6 (at least where I shop).  You might decide it is worth the risk to see if it can survive a cold wash hang dry on delicate.  Dress shirts are typically $3-$5 a piece, and you can get a sweater or dressy top for between $2-$5.  The upper ranges I have listed here are generally for the best quality, brand name items, and I don't often pay that much.

So, to recap: What Do You Need for Your New Wardrobe?

One Suit (Buy New)
One black jacket (Buy New)
Dress Shirts (Buy at Thrift Store, five in assorted colors)
Sweaters (Buy at Thrift Store, five in assorted colors, including black)
Cardigans or button up sweaters (Buy new or used; three in black, a neutral brown, and your favorite color)
Tops (Buy at Thrift Store, non-button up, and not long sleeve sweaters, up to ten, in assorted colors. )

Tips:

If you buy one suit, make it gray or black.  Brown and Navy are more distinctive and harder to wear frequently.  Striped can work if they are not too distinctive.  Once you have the basics, then you can add additional suits.

If you are big busted, traditional button up shirts might not be for you.  I can't stand how the buttons create a gap and won't lie flat, so I finally abandoned shirts for sweaters and dressy tops.  I've never looked back.  Of course, you can also wear some button up shirts open over a tank top.

Add a cup of white vinegar to the washing machine to remove any scent that lingers.

Some thrift stores also have necklaces and bracelets. You can also check Target, and Forever 21. I look for colored pieces to mix and match with different outfits.  I have a mix of green, yellow, turquoise, and coral that match at least three of my tops.

Anthropologie often marks its belts down significantly on sale.  I have picked up some really nice, distinctive belts for as cheap as $10.  Remember, you can wear a belt under an open cardigan, or over the cardigan to create a more polished look.

My favorite resource for shoes is Nordstrom's rack (boots and colored dress shoes).  For a classic pair of heels that aren't so high they kill your feet and you can walk in, you can't beat Nine West.

Try shopping in some regular stores to learn which brands fit you.  Then you can go out and look for those labels or wait for a sale.  If you have a hard time finding things that fit you, thrift store shopping can be educational because you get to try so many brands.

I haven't discussed quality and how to identify fabrics at all. Luckily, frugal scholar does that.  Ultimately, this is the most important part of successful second-hand shopping.

If you are really tiny, try J Crew, Banana Republic, Forever 21, BCBG, Express, and Theory ($$$).  

Do a clothing exchange with friends.

Shop your closet. You may have more work appropriate clothes than you realize, and pulling everything out to inventory it first can save you money.

Giving Notice: How to Gracefully Exit Graduate School

So I haven't been blogging lately, in part due to the whirlwind of activity that has defined my life in the past few weeks. First, I should announce that I officially gave notice just over a week ago. Second, I should emphasize that I did so without having a job lined up.  Third, I should mention that I have never felt happier, more free, or like life has more potential.  Ultimately, I decided that my desire to leave was strong enough that not having a secure offer was ok, but it tool a lot of work to get to that point.

How does one exactly give notice?  I had four nominal bosses in my program:  the department chair, with whom I worked closely on research; my adviser, with whom I am very close; my TA supervisor, who assigned us to courses and needed to be informed ASAP regarding my decision; and the department personal/secretary who seemed to have her hand in everything administrative.  Who I even needed to tell, let alone in what order they should be informed, presented quite the roadblock.

Ultimately, email seemed to make the most sense for me since my biggest fear was being talked out of leaving. This allowed me to carefully consider my reasons, and make sure I communicated them in a straight forward way that left little room for doubt.  I wrote a draft, then had a fellow grad who has contemplated leaving many times, but was emotionally removed from the process, edit my emails.  I also paid a visit to everyone I emailed, or talked with them by phone.  This allowed them to ask questions, but having already framed my leaving in the email, these conversations went much more smoothly.

Mainly I focused on the fact that my leaving had everything to do with my realization that my ideal job involved both a different path and different set of tasks than the Ph.D. provided.  While I valued my experiences and training, I realized I no longer wanted to do research.  This made my leaving a lot easier for the faculty to process.  Many of the people who questioned my leaving were not trying to undermine my decision, they simply wanted to make sure I had thought everything through.  Many felt shocked and surprised by my decision, and felt obligated to ask about how I arrived at my choice.  Several alluded to the fact that I was a successful graduate student, and seemed genuinely perplexed that someone who was not  having problems would chose to leave.

If you decide to quit don't be shocked or upset if people ask why.

Understand that questioning does not mean that you are being judged for your decision.  This was my greatest fear in leaving.  Meeting with my therapist the Friday before to discuss my leaving, my worst case scenario included being scolded, yelled at, and shut out.  Instead, I could not have scripted a better exit: my faculty were sad, but supportive, and even helped me look into how to structure my leave so that if I decide to return I can.  They told me they respected my decision (several even called it brave and courageous) and said that they would welcome me back with open arms if I decided to finish.  The encouraged me to look into various options, and supported my leaving in a way that provided me the most flexibility.  I will be working with several of them to finish publications over the next few months, and they have emphasized that I can continue to use my institutional affiliation for those publications.  I was even asked how they can support me in leaving (extended library privileges, Please!).

Part of my luck is a direct result of the fact that as a graduate student I went out of my way to talk to faculty, whether they were in my relevant area or not. I said hi in the hallway, volunteered for department service, and generally tried to engage with everyone, including admins.  Life is about relationships, and now that I am leaving I have a lot of people who are wishing me well.  Even when our graduate student life is unfulfilling and angst inducing, the opportunities we have to engage with others can also provide a ladder out, either through references or leads on other jobs.  It feels nice to leave on my own terms, and with the support of even those who while sad about my decision, want the best for me.  Even though I'm not finishing in the way that was expected, I still want to exit successfully: with grace, good will, and optimism.  If you're reading this because you are thinking of leaving, good luck!  If you are still questioning whether to stay, I want you to know there is light on the other end.  

Read Giving Notice:  How to Gracefully Exit Graduate School Part II 

Quitting is a Pain in the Neck

Ever since I resolved to quit school in early November, I have felt an unbearable tension in my neck.  At first, I thought I must have slept on it funny.  Actually, if I am being honest, I think I leaned on it weird at the bar during a night of debauchery with another bitter graduate student friend.  While letting off some steam should have left me feeling great, the next morning my neck was killing me.  I have been in pain all month.

Normally, I would have treated this as a physical problem, but I have experienced this before. You see, when I get really stressed, my body rebels.  My back goes out, or I end up on crutches (really), or some other gnarly incapacity which invariably prompts everyone to ask "What HAPPENED?" To which I invariably have no answer except "Nothing, I woke up this way and think my body is just freaking out."  It's a seriously disappointing answer when  you essentially cannot walk and people have images of grand car accidents or a gnarly cliff diving incident.

So I knew that the neck thing was likely stress.  I tried to get my neck to cooperate.  I meditated, I started journaling again, I got into lucid dreaming. I tried stress reduction and listened to my body.  None of it worked.  I decided it was sitting hunched over my laptop, which I just can't avoid.  Finally, I called and made an appointment for my therapist.

I can't underscore the importance of a good therapist if you are considering quitting graduate school.  While friends and family are a great source of support, you need a safe impartial place to talk through the fears, desires, and issues you may be hiding from even yourself.   I scheduled my appointment for directly after a department lecture, perhaps presciently.  After a particularly brutal and appalling session (attack of the academics!), I rushed out early to make my appointment.   Most of the session was spent in tears.  The word "comprehensive exams" served as a trigger.  We couldn't even discuss my impending exams without my tearing up into a hysterical mess.  Everytime I thought about staying, I started bawling.  After mapping out various employment scenerios my therapist finally asked why I needed a job to quit.  She looked genuinely appalled by the situation I was in. I was doing catastrophe thinking, she said, and recognizing this would make things better.

She was right.  We talked honestly about my fears, the sources of those fears, and I heard myself saying things I didn't ever normally let myself think: like how I wanted to quit and walk away even without employment, and what I felt was holding me back.  For whatever reason I had decided that I needed my paltry, poverty level stipend, when the reality is that even working at Starbucks would pay better (and provide health insurance!).  Deep down, I felt it was only ok to leave for something better.

By the end of the session, I was a hot sniveling mess, but I felt free.  It was only driving home that I noticed I didn't have anymore neck pain.  And it hasn't returned.

There is no right or wrong way to leave.  There isn't even a right or wrong way for you to leave.  Be open to possibilities, but know that all doors are open.  If you are struggling and having a hard time, you may be closing doors on yourself.  Which is why it is such a good thing to have an outside person who can help you decipher the crazy mixed up feelings and legitimate fear leaving entails.

Spiritual Emergency

I haven't been blogging much in the last week, mainly because I haven't had anything to say.  The holiday and visiting family served as its own form of distraction, but I also have been struggling with how I feel about leaving. In the last few days I've vacillated between feeling trapped, angry, anxious, and upset.  Several nights I experienced full on panic attacks.  

I seem to have hit the bump in the road that some refer to as a spiritual emergency.  Despite expecting such set backs, they are strikingly disruptive.  In searching online, I stumbled across a post I thought really did a good job of giving voice to this crisis.   He also recommends a book by the name of Spirtual Emergency, a phrase that resonates with this stage in the journey. 

It can be tempting to view set backs as a sign you're on the wrong track, that life won't work out, and you are destined for failure.  Instead, I am trying to view this moment as a realization that my current stage is highly uncertain: whether I will have a job and be able to leave before next semester, whether I will have to sit for comp exams, and even whether I am truly ready to walk away are highly stressful to deal with.  Of course I am going to feel like having a nervous breakdown in the face of these challenges, but they are part of a process toward a a new life.  

As Jayson Gaddis wrote, "Yet, for the few of us who see a massive identity breakdown as a step toward wholeness, instead of illness, we can take the view that this is a natural stage toward genuine human health and expanded consciousness."

I like that sentiment, even if it is hard to remember in the grips of my panic. 

Graduate Student Exploitation

I'm incredibly lucky that in my own situation, I'm not dealing with a horrible adviser, or faculty who are stealing graduate student research.  I just don't like graduate school.

Yet the article referenced above really does reveal one of the challenges of graduate student life:  as a grad student, you are in a vulnerable position where the politics of your department and profession can make you feel powerless.  Interestingly enough, in the entire article about graduate students suing advisers and universities, the major reason a grad student may not come forward is ignored: it's not just that they think they can't win, it's that the relationship with one's adviser is what will result in a diss getting finished and approved, and the grad student getting out.  Often, it's the most poisonous people who control our destiny.  

I also don't think that these problems are rare. In my own experience, I know at least one student this has happened to, and in a very egregious way.  Several others had less severe experiences with it, all the same adviser.  But not a single one wants to say anything, and they all begged me not to either given the power this person has over their lives. 

Quitting Grad School: A Whimper or a Bang?

Well, another job out of the running, so I am down to two (pretty good shot) applications, neither of which will get going with interviews for at least a week.  That means I continue in limbo land.

In the meantime, I've been thinking about how I actually quit.  Do I need to have a job lined up? I kind of feel like I should. It seems stupid to walk away from full funding and health insurance if my leads don't pan out, though I would have to stay through comps which I don't want to take if I don't finish. I also don't exactly live in an area with great local job base for my area of work, but I want to stay here where my family and my community connections are.

Job issue aside, do I walk away preserving my relationships with people, or go out with some snark and post a bunch of fake course listings?

An Ode to Joy

One thing about graduate school that really surprised me is the extent to which the whole experience can just suck any joy out of life.  Like a succubus perched on the chest of the sleeping Victorians, I felt my life essence draining away due to what I now recognize as situational depression.  While graduate school can be a time of wonderment and exploration for those truly suited to it, for me graduate school was like one really long illness that left me exhausted, numbed out, and emotionally drained.  I had a hard time leaving my work at school, and this interfered with my ability to do anything else, especially enjoy myself. 

This fall, when I finally gave myself permission to leave, doing things I enjoyed suddenly became possible again.  I’ve been listening to music, writing, and going on spontaneous outings with my husband that I normally would have turned down.  I’ve been less rigid with planning my day, and when things don’t go right, I just adjust rather than freak out.  As my therapist put it, I’m learning to live less on the edge.  In fact, I’ve been having so much fun that I have been staying up way too late and paying the price since I still get up early.

My favorite time of the year is fall: I love Halloween, Thanksgiving, and most of all Christmas.  What I love even more than the holidays is their anticipation.  I begin thinking about pumpkins and costumes in September, and listening to Christmas music in October, and I put my tree up around Thanksgiving.  This year, with all the emotional work of leaving, I threatened to put the tree up in September.  But I’ve made it until now in part because my husband bought me a new tree for Christmas, and I am so excited as I wait for it to arrive.

This tree is the opposite of the graduate school practical tree.  This tree is not what my social self says a tree should be.  Rather than a practical green tree, it is a riotous, fantastical indulgence.  My new tree is a champagne colored, pre lit 6.5 foot slim profile tree.  I fell in love with it last year as a display tree at a local coffee shop, and looked up the specs determined to get one this year.  This is the Liberace of Christmas trees, and I am going to throw every glittery glass ornament I have at it. 

As I deal with the hard stuff of leaving, my ability to enjoy myself and feel happiness is increasing.  In fact, I’ve begun to think that actively seeking out opportunities to experience joy is an important part of the leaving process.   For me, that is going to be giving thanks for the opportunities I have had and will continue to have, as well as for my family, and friends.  As well as the simple joy of really enjoying the holidays this year, one ornament at a time. 

Doubts on Leaving Graduate School

Lately, I’ve been having second (third, fourth, upteen) thoughts on leaving.  Part of me worries that I might regret walking away.  I still don’t want to teach, lecture, grade or attend socializing events.  I don’t even want to write my dissertation, or go through the stress of comp exams.  I just feel like I am prepared enough now that I have so much invested, that maybe I shouldn’t walk away.   

This is a concept known in economics as sunk costs, or the notion that when we calculate how much more we should invest, we think about how much we have already spent.  Economists think this is crazy, by the way, because it often results in people throwing good money after bad. If a gambler has already lost $500, the last thing they should do is throw an additional $100 after the bad debt.  Sure, they might get lucky, but what they have been doing isn’t working. 

Many of the bloggers who write about leaving graduate school have talked about sunk costs. The reason sunk costs come up so much is that quitting is uncomfortable.  While some quit in the first semester, most of us seem to be quitting further in, when suddenly all the time and effort we have already spent looms before us to become justification for devoting even more time.  For a really great break down on when to leave, check out this post on LeavingAcademia.com.  While the author talks about leaving during a recession, if you scroll down you will find a prescient analysis of when you should leave graduate school.

I know that objectively if I stay through next semester I will be miserable.  I also know that I do not want to stay through the dissertation.  Even my guilt isn’t very logical since I am just talking about sinking more time, but not enough to finish.  So I don’t know that my concern is even about the sunk costs so much as the finality of leaving.  The fact that I have funding, and a fellowship in a top department means leaving closes this door forever which should be a good thing, but is still hard.

When I think about the fact that I have finished all of my coursework, it’s that no other University will ever recognize that coursework without making me jump through a bunch of hoops and even more coursework that it truly feels wasted.  I know that I really will never go back.   The fact that I have done all this reading for comps, and won’t even “do anything” with it, makes me feel like I should write my comprehensive exams on my own from my new job and send them to my (former) faculty.  Yes, writing that statement makes me feel crazy. 

The truth is that I am sorting out several difficult issues: the guilt of walking away from something that I should want but don't; the guilt of not finishing something I started (I can hear my dad's voice now); and my own personal foible of having a very hard time just being done with something.  I always think I am going to stay involved, and then I feel guilty when I invariably don’t, so I lose track of relationships and lose the connections to friends and people I really enjoyed. 

So I’m creating this as a challenge for myself: I will leave graduate school, and when I do, I will really leave.  I am not going to promise to submit articles, or do additional rewrites.  I am just going to be done.  I am going to walk away from a life that is not for me, and that means leaving all of its trappings and endless lists of unfinished things I should do. 

Because I am going to quit.  And I am going to let myself fully shut that door, and walk away.

Should I Quit Grad School?

"Should I quit grad school?"  I can't count the number of times I have typed that phrase into Google, hoping for an answer that deep down I already knew.  "Quitting grad school," "Should I stay," and "I hate grad school" were searched so many times, that I often found myself reading sites and comment threads only to realize that I was rediscovering them. Years later.  My desire to leave, and my search for justification, validation, and some company in my misery was that bad.

They say insanity is doing the same thing, but expecting a different result.  It does seem a little crazy to be constantly searching and researching the same damn thing, but that is part of the process of leaving.  If you have found this post because you are a frustrated graduate student unhappy in your program, and uncertain in your future, know that you are not alone.  Know also that as you sort through everything you are going through, you are very likely to meet yourself again and again.

And that is ok.  Deciding to leave or to stay is a big thing.  The process takes time.  Be gentle with yourself, and realize that whether you stay or go, there you are.  You deserve to be happy, and you need to do what is best for you, and not anyone else.    

Networking: Your Ticket Out of Here

Now that I have decided to leave I'm getting ready to make the social rounds.  The reality is that many jobs never make it onto indeed.com, idealist, monster, or craigslist, and many of the ones that do are posted by recruiting firms looking to build their search databases.  Instead, I'm looking to (quietly) get the word out to my friends and acquaintances, particularly those I have worked with on projects, campaigns, and other volunteer activities.

That means meet ups to grab coffee.  Or ice cream in some cases.  My calendar is starting to fill up with mini meetings and catch up sessions to put out the word on my search, and reconnect with friends and former coworkers graduate school has stolen me away from.  Already I've gotten some good suggestions and insight on certain jobs I am eyeing.

I've always been someone who networks for jobs.  My former boss told me that when she realized she wanted to leave her last job, she knew her only hope lay in networking her way out of it.  In her whirlwind social tour she went to 13 holiday parties: in one evening.  This was for a pretty high level job in Washington D.C., a city that loves its trade association events, and where cocktail networking parties (and advanced degrees for what it is worth) are beyond abundant.  While my efforts won't be this extreme, the point is that if you are looking for a job, you need to get out from behind the computer screen and start clocking some face time.

Even the academic literature supports the importance of networking to find a job.  Studies on unemployment have found that weak ties, or acquaintances, are more likely to lead to job offers (Montgomery, 1992; Grannoveter 1983).    Of course, there are also network implications for the turnover contagion that occurs when coworkers quit (Felps, et al., 2009).  Ever wonder when you finally quit who will join you?  You could start a mass exodus.

Photo credit: Pete Barr-Watson

The Life of the Mind F&%k

The biggest lie about graduate school and the Professoriate is the bull they feed you about what Benton (2010) calls the Big Lie of the Life of the Mind. This narrative paints a picture of the academy as the only worthwhile place for those who value intellectualism, and one worthy of so much sacrifice as to justify the lowest of salaries.  The academy is presented as a place of respite from a stupid, ugly world where you can go to ruminate on ideas.  While everyone else is proving themselves smarter than a fifth grader, or out grubbing for money, you are thinking peer reviewed deep thoughts.

I don't know where you are going to graduate school, but I constantly feel like I am in a cubicle with those guys at Inotech.  My department is all about increasing graduate student productivity, and running us through every benchmark of degree progress as quickly and efficiently as possible.  There is little time to explore ideas, follow your passion, or even develop your own work.  In my nightmares, I see Lumbergh hanging over Peter's desk asking "How's that conference paper coming?" and telling me "I'm going to need you to come in on Saturday."  There has been a speeding up of life as a graduate student. In scarce funding environments, increased enrollments, and budget cuts, graduate students are expected to work longer, harder, and faster.  We publish more, and fight harder for the jobs that are out there.  As one of my faculty observed (not with compassion so much as cheerleading) "Students are graduating with the CVs of second and third year Assistant Professors!"  I feel like an early 90s office worker whose life has been turned upside down by outside forces shaping society in ways we can only begin to comprehend.

How to Get a Job Out of Grad School

My entire graduate school career has been oriented toward keeping the back door open. Deep down I secretly knew that the odds of my putting up with this shit finishing were pretty minimal.  This was evident from a number of choices I made as I consciously straddled the world of academia and the outside world:

• I kept my individual health insurance through my M.A., even though it cost me a chunk of change in case I left to go back to self-employment.  This was particularly important since at the time the economy was so bad that good jobs with insurance were hard to come by.  It was only when they jacked my rate, and I knew (ha!) I was staying that I gave up my insurance for my department issued health plan.
• I worked the entirety of my graduate school career.  The reality is that I have never had less than two jobs: either some consulting work I retained from before I went back,  a part time super flexible job I picked up before I went back to school doing grant writing, and occasional paid research assistant positions, fellowships, etc.  This is all in addition to my working as a teaching assistant 20 hours per week, making normative progress on the insane time table mandated by my department, and doing research and course work. While it made me something of a crazy person, between all these jobs, I essentially doubled my yearly salary as a grad student, didn't take any loans, and got great additions for my C.V.  For JC of From Graduate School to Happiness, a part time job simply became the first post academic job.
• For me service meant work outside the department, as well as within it.  This is important since your department will likely completely discount outside service, when in reality it is your golden escape hatch.  While I have served on various volunteer committees and positions at the University in case I wanted to pursue an academic job (again, ha!), I made sure a lot of my volunteer time and energy went into work that would be relevant outside of academia.  Particularly, I looked for volunteer opportunities that would translate to contacts in fields I wanted to work in, and filled holes in my resume.  I actually pulled job postings for the types of positions I thought I wanted after I finished the Ph.D. so I could prepare to be a good candidate.  In fact, enough people knew about my background that last spring I was actually recruited to a job that I turned down (but told them I might accept after I went ABD) which I am now reapplying to.
• I kept my resume current, and added new details as they developed. Writing a resume from scratch is excruciating   I know because as an undergraduate who hadn't kept good track of my volunteer work, and didn't have any sense of what gaps on my resume I still needed to address, I ended up listing course work and saying things like "I'm an outgoing person who likes to talk to people."  I cringe typing that.  Not only did I really do that, but I have received resumes from other people who have done that.  It happens--but one way to avoid it is to create your resume as you go and check postings so you can give yourself the time to get the relevant experience you need, even if it is as a volunteer.  Plus, as every teaching assistant stresses to their charges, you must write in drafts and time gives you the perspective to organize your resume so you can fully leverage your experiences in ways that make you stand out to employers. 

Now that I am planning on leaving, these things make my job hunt much easier. I haven't yet gotten my first job on the outside, but I do have four really good leads that are in my interest area and would be great fits.

And not a single one requires an M.A. or a Ph.D.

A lot of this probably sounds really annoying.  "Great," you are thinking, "lucky you having the foresight and the ability to spend all this time preparing."  The reality is that most of us who leave spend months if not years preparing to exit. The nagging doubt in our mind grows to a voice we cannot ignore, which eventually turns into racking sobs, which finally gives way to sighs of relief (and maybe even shrieks of terror because let's be honest, leaving graduate school is hard). If you found this post because you aren't sure about your program, start preparing now.  Even if you finish and decide to go for a tenure track job, these strategies will make you a more interesting person more likely to get access to community sample.

If you are one of the unfortunate many who has been cut loose from funding by your department and are now scrambling to fend for yourself, start working on your resume and think about how to frame those volunteer experiences.  Pull some job listings and see where the gaps are in your experience, and even if you have to take a job for now that isn't that great, at least devise a strategy regarding how to get the experience you need for the career you want.

Sunshine and Unicorns

Emotional work is hard.  Being in the early stages of leaving graduate school is bringing up a lot of emotions for me. Just when you think everything is ok, something new hits.  These revelations are painful, but are also necessary. Each day brings up more issues, but each day also get me closer to the source of my problem.  Today I realized that a big reason I don't like being in graduate school is how constantly critical it is: your work is constantly critiqued, criticized, scrutinized, and torn down.  That's not mean--it's just the process.   But under certain circumstances and for certain people that process is death to creativity.

This type of criticism is not new, and its not confined to the profession. I recognize it a lot from my childhood, where fairly or not I constantly perceived my mother's critique in every response.  It's particularly harsh when I want approval and a safe space to share and create, but don't seem to get it.  I have a very difficult time putting my emotions and my creativity out there.

Where is the Green Grass?

Since I decided to leave my program, I've felt moments of soaring freedom, alternating with worry, fear, and concern for my future.  The other day I confined to my husband I was scared I wouldn't be brave enough to leave.  "Brave?"  he told me, "What exactly is brave about leaving?  This is a sinking ship, leaving is a GREAT thing!" Staying would be brave, he implied, only because it would be so foolish in face of the odds.

I'm a Type I leaver.  I don't like teaching, don't want to do research anymore, and just don't fit in the university system.  However, I recognize that academia is broken in ways that extend beyond my own personal dislikes of the profession.  For the Type II leavers who came to graduate school because they wanted to be a Professor, the market is increasingly tough for a variety of reasons.

As many have pointed out, it's a terrible time for new Ph.D.s.  Only seventy percent of current jobs are now tenure track , and the experience of tenure is increasingly brutal.

Dreams of My Future

A few weeks ago  I woke up from a strange dream:  I have been logging into student health lately to follow up on my physical, and in my dream our former Department Chair contacted me to say that he had received a notification from the system that I had dropped out of the program. Everything was fine, I should just turn in my key.  

Apparently I had pressed the wrong button, and inadvertently unenrolled from graduate school.  I couldn't believe such a snafu had occurred, and explained to him, “No no, I’m not dropping out.  I must have hit the wrong button.” He  didn’t try to argue with me, and didn’t even feel we needed to have a discussion.  Just like that, he alerted me that the system had informed him of my decision and by clicking a button by mistake, notice was considered given. 

In my dream I kept explaining to him it wasn’t intentional, that I had just accidently pressed the wrong button.  I was neither relieved nor upset, just surprised at the kafka-esque notion that a button pressed by accident and without any intention on a seemingly unrelated website had been interpreted as my leaving.  Leaving seems like such a big, hard, challenging and dangerous taboo prospect: this was anti climactic to say the least. 

I Just Can't Take It Anymore

Entering my fourth year of graduate school, I just don’t know if I can do it anymore.  I look at the draft of research questions I wrote for my project, and the lines mean nothing to me. I stare at words on the page and they stare right back at me.  They seem to have discovered the secret invisibility of ink so boring you won’t notice it is there.

“What am I doing?” I think to myself.  Why am I still here?

I’ve wanted to drop out of graduate school since I arrived.  My first day of class I was late, and showed up unprepared having not done the reading.  To be fair, it was a surprise.  My department likes to start classes before the official start date of the semester, tacking on an extra session because “a semester is just too short to get it all done.”  I thought I was coming for orientation, but got a surprise lecture on epistemology instead. (Side Note: surprise epistemology, episiotomy, why are the words and their meanings in that context both so painful?)

I’ve always been the reluctant graduate student.  Maybe that should tell me something. 

The Emperor has no Epistemological Clothes: Or how I learned to stop worrying and embrace inductive reasoning

Most stories like mine refer back to early childhood—like the kid who knew deep down he was gay, or the friend who was a late talker that turned out to be partially deaf. A "diagnoses" would suddenly bring everything into clarity, long forgotten experiences suddenly strung out like a strand of awkward pearls of self wisdom that hinted all along at what was wrong.  There was the inability to deal with mathematical concepts which found me applying a semester's worth of tactics that fruitlessly led nowhere as I explored across the page, rather than systematically following the steps to solve a problem in a logical and deduced way.  My lack of a favorite movie, food, band,  The fact that every time I rewatched a film was like seeing it for the first time.  My interest in replaying the same experiences over and over again. My brain felt fuzzy, a feeling that didn’t go away until I had spent considerable time in my graduate program.  I would read accounts of students finally diagnosed with dyslexia decades after the start of their problems in school.  Their struggles of not being able to wrap their head around the problem, of their own brain getting in the way, and the marked differences in how they saw the world compared to their peers resonated with me in a deep way.  But I had no such label—and while their struggles were mine in many ways, they understood the origin of their difference and for that I was jealous.

For months I joked that I was going through an epistemological crisis, and unloaded such onto a poor, overwhelmed PhD in the counseling department.  I felt more removed from graduate school, and more frustrated.  There was even the misguided day I marched into a committee member's office and declared that I was no longer an empiricist, and that the only research worth doing involved socio historical qualitative case studies or ethnography.  This constituted blasphemy in my department, but was met with a chuckle and a hearty "no you're not."   I left amazed that anyone could drink the kool aid so completely that they would refuse to believe me. 

One night, late at work on a paper it suddenly dawned on me.  I started my research on the wheel of science in the inductive rather than the deductive portion of the wheel.  My sense of sickness lifted and I had a label: the reason for my ill fit wasn’t just epistemological, it came down to my starting point.  My “learning disability” wasn’t a disorder at all but simply a reflection of how I saw the world and approached my research—differently form my department., and it explained why I did not fit.  This was a process issue.

I had been accused my entire graduate career of being too interested in the context of what I studied, and not focused enough on the underlying phenomenon.  I wanted to take personal experiences and observations and work toward exploring larger level phenomena.  I had spent the first three years desperately scanning text books for a theory, any theory, I could accept and stake my entire research agenda around.  Or a concept even, that could underlie my research.  My program wanted me to think logically and theoretically about a phenomena, and reason out from there. 

"You do know you are not really an inductivist?"  My husband asked that night, after I had burst into the room to unload my newly found knowledge.  He protested.  "You ask empirical questions, you just don't buy into how restrictively your program embraces deductive research.  They need to be more flexible."

He was right.  It still gave me comfort to recognize the source of my frustration, but it also reinforced one of the most important lessons you learn in graduate school.  That the world is not black and white, but a thousand shades of gray, and everything is nuance.    

Permanent Head Damage Poll, PhD

Take the permanent head damage (PhD) poll!

Why Permanent Head Damage?

When I was but a a wee one, sitting in an undergraduate intro course that I somehow ended up taking my senior year of college, a very wise Professor launched into "the talk."  This wasn't about the birds and the bees, or even the gentle conversation with struggling students about switching their major to something easier.  No, this was the graduate school talk.

"Take a good, hard look," my Professor warned, "at what graduate students coming out of your intended program look like, because graduate school is all about breaking you down and molding you into someone new.  You want to make certain that you want to be the sort of person that comes out on the other side."

Graduate school, he intoned, was a process of production. It did something to you, trained you to think a certain way, broke you down and built you back up.  And as a graduate student you needed to be intentional about that.