The Decision Trap and Creativity

Every day we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to make the right decisions.  Eat healthy, save money, say the right thing.  As women we face the unrealistic societal expectation expressed by my boss' favorite comedian of going to work, taking care of the kids, and then coming home to cook a great meal, and be multiorgasmic.  Life is a series of decisions, and the unrelenting pressure we place on ourselves to make the best ones.

At least most life decisions are easier
than  solving this glittery rubik's cube

Yet research indicates the human brain eventually suffers from decision fatigue. Making good decisions  is easier when you can make fewer of them.  That's why Steve Jobs and Mark Zuckerberg where the same outfit every day.   To paraphrase Barack Obama you don't want to have to worry about what you are eating or wearing when you have so many other decisions to make.   Smart women can do this, too.

I don't wear the same outfit every day, but to the extent possible, I've tried to automate the things I don't care about, and focus my energy and attention on the things that do.  I want a cleaner house, but I don't actually want to clean it so I read Living a Simple Life and The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up and got rid of stuff.   My husband and I live where we can walk downtown so we get our exercise without having to motivate ourselves to get off our couch to do boring mindless laps around a suburban block.   I want to write and be creative, but I realized some months ago most of my creativity was going into cooking and choosing what to wear each day rather than my writing, so I made some adjustments.  When my life seems most off track, I will make a list of my values and priorities, then make a list of how I actually spend my time:  there is nothing like comparing the two to see where an adjustment is needed.

Seeing the results of how you spend your time and the life you live contrasted with the life you actually want for yourself, and the ways you currently spend your time can make achieving your dreams seem impossible.  How did you end up here?  Why should things be any different?  Maybe this is who you really are.  All of these thoughts make the life you want seems so far away.  But the reality is that you can use the fact that life is a series of decisions to your advantage, too:

Terence J. Tollaksen wrote that his purpose became clearer once he began to recognize the “decision trap”: “This trap is an amazingly consistent phenomena whereby ‘big’ decisions turn out to have much less impact on a life as a whole than the myriad of small seemingly insignificant ones.”

You don't get where you want to be by making one big choice.  Life is made up of the smaller choices we make every day.  So don't sweat it if you aren't where you want to be.  Spend some time thinking about where you are, and what you want.  Then start spending time doing what you want, and look for the small decisions that can help you get there.  All these little decisions will make it so when you do have a big decision to make, you'll be ready.  And if you are still overwhelmed, just remember the 85% rule:  You don't have to be 100% certain, or even 100% ready. In fact, you probably never will be;  content yourself with being 85% certain, and when you get to 85% give yourself permission to act.

The Stress of Being a Breadwinner

I know it may seem hard to believe when you are living in poverty as a graduate student, but one day you will leave the University and you will have a job.  You will be getting paid. And you may or may not find yourself getting paid more than your partner.  Notice I say getting paid 'more than your partner," and not "getting paid a lot." You may or may not get paid a lot. But if you find yourself in the breadwinner position, you better hope you are getting paid a lot.

Just Another Day at the Office

Can't Figure Out Your Future? Maybe You Don't Want a Job or a Career

When I quit grad school back in 2012 I did a lot of soul searching regarding what kind of job and career I wanted for myself. There was a significant amount of time spent taking aptitude tests and finding careers that would be the right fit. I left for a policy job that involved a significant community outreach component. It was great for me on so many levels because I got to use what I learned in grad school, but I also felt like I was out in the world making a difference.  Only I was massively overqualified and after a year and a half I was recruited to another job that is for all intents and purposes a massive step up: better pay and benefits, better hours, no weekends, better title, much more responsibility, and a great learning opportunity and resume booster. This new job catches me up career wise for all the years I missed out on when I was in graduate school and not working.  This new job is hands down leaps and bounds better. Like a gift that fell in my lap.

And yet, after eight months I am bored.  Bored, lonely, and depressed about the fact that I am stuck at a desk all day, grinding out reports and budgets and projects. I feel like I am not able to be myself, and that I have lost track of what I want out of life.  I feel like I do not fit in, and that I don't really want to.  I recognized these feelings.

I started looking at job postings, and surfing listings, and I went back to my therapist who I hadn't seen since I quit graduate school.  Every session we would talk through job possibilities and what my ideal career looked like. Nothing felt right. Suddenly, one day she looked at me: "You have spent the last few years intensely focused on your career: do you still want that to be your main focus?"

She was right. I realize I don't actually want a new job, or a career right now. I've been so focused on leaving grad school and getting a J-O-B and getting my career back on track, when really what I want to focus on now is being happy and getting a L-I-F-E.  

Grad school and work can feel so all consuming. But life isn't only about grad school and work.  Life is about family, and friends, and having experiences and making sure that you are doing what makes you you.  Life is short and when you look back on it from your death bed what you did for a job is going to matter less than if you feel what you did mattered, and that you lived the life you wanted.

So I know that right now my solution isn't simply to find a better job: instead I need to find a better life. Maybe that is with this job, maybe it is in another.  Regardless, what job I have is secondary to what life I want to live.

If you find yourself struggling to figure something out, maybe you need to pause and ask yourself if the question you are asking is even one to which you need an answer.  Maybe you need tostop, and ask a different question.

Two Years and Counting...and No Regrets!

I don't check this blog but every six or twelve months, but I find it incredibly important to leave it up as a guiding beacon for those going through the painful transition of leaving graduate school. The advice I gave several years ago was raw, timely, and very much driven by my lived experience as I decided that staying for my PhD wasn't for me. I thought it might be helpful to know that years later I have no regrets, and still feel my decision ranks among the best choices I have made so far.

This is not to say that I don't have regrets, but none of them center on finishing grad school. Instead, as someone struggling with fertility issues I wish I had tried to have kids earlier.  I wish I had run for city council like so many people in my community encouraged me to--especially now that I am working I have to worry about getting my boss' permission and conflict of interest concerns. I wish I had pursued more of my artistic projects, including stand up comedy that I feel would be potentially problematic now that I am working in a more sensitive job. If anything, I wish I had been braver.

As you think about whether to stay or go, think carefully about what you really want out of life. But know that regardless of what choices you make now, you will have more choices to make in the future.  I can't recommend again the importance of doing some real soul searching now.  Maybe that involves a therapist (which I highly recommend), or maybe it's just some great books like Finding Your Own North Star or the Artists Way.  Even if you leave for a fabulous job, you'll likely be leaving for another job in the future.  So think about that 85% rule: don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good, but take your time to figure out what you really want.

The 85% Rule: Or How to Make Good Decisions

Sometimes we come to a cross roads in life where we face a big decision we just don't feel comfortable making.  We waiver, we delay, we can't decide if we should or shouldn't.  On the really big decisions we worry we are going to screw it up.

1) The 85% Rule.  You don't have to be 100% certain, or even 100% ready. In fact, you probably never will be.  This rule does not mean you rush rashly into a decision.  It simply means that you don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good.  You still need to do your research, think about what you want, game out the pros and cons, and examine your feelings.  But if the only decisions you ever make are so easy that you don't feel even the slightest niggling doubt, you are probably only jumping at the safe opportunities.  And that should be scary because some of the best opportunities require us to grow and stretch a bit beyond our comfort zone.  Content yourself with being 85% certain, and when you get to 85% give yourself permission to act.

2) Catastrophe thinking or overthinking.  This is often a consequence of trying to get to 100% certainty. Even when you have done your due diligence, you may feel you just aren't ready. You need more research, more planning. You let yourself get stuck in preparation for a leap you never make.  Anxiety is the easiest way to recognize this problem.  The solution is to get out from behind your computer, stop planning, and start doing. Get out of your house and go interact with people.  Get a piece of paper and literally write down the worst case scenario.  Once you get it on paper or say it out loud true catastrophe thinking reveals itself to be so silly that it melts away as a barrier.  For me, catastrophe thinking made me believe I couldn't quit graduate school until I had a job lined up.  It wasn't until my therapist pointed out that I could make more money working at Starbucks, and could just continue working my part time non-profit job that I finally felt the freedom to quit.

3) Sometimes not making a decision is itself a decision.  If you can't decide between saying yes and saying no, if you wait long enough your opportunity to decide will be gone.  That is ok, and rather than worry about your indecisiveness accept the fact that you are either not willing to make a decision at the moment, or are choosing to stick with the status quo.  Which is actually a decision, so you were more decisive than you thought.

Checking in with What You Want

You made it.  Life is great: you have friends and a social life, your self-worth is intact, and maybe you even landed that holy grail of a job that both fullfills and adequately compensates you.  

Now what? 

Life is about more than showing up between the hours of 9 to 5pm, and if you find you have satisfied your minimum requirements of food, shelter, and the basics, you will invariably find yourself asking "What do I really want?"  Even if you have the PERFECT job, you will probably still be asking this question eventually because you are not your job.  See midlife crisis.

This might be a disconcerting feeling: As a graduate student there were times when all you wanted was a way to pay the rent, be happy, and live where you wanted.  Once you checked that off the list the last thing you wanted was more rumination about what came next.  But now that you are out, employed, happy--what do you really want?  Five years from now, where do you see your life? 

I've recently found myself wondering what I actually want in life.  Sure, I love my work, and my family life is pretty good right now.  Six months ago I would have thought myself ungrateful for starting to think about what comes next, but here I am  wondering, "Who I am beyond my job?"  

The reality is that as former graduate students we excel at this type of introspective navel gazing.  The good news is that we are well equipped once we do figure it out what we want to start pursuing it.  Maybe you want to write, or start a graduate student coaching business, or create a comic.  Either way, you know how to get started on side projects and make it happen. Afterall, you were a graduate student. 

Transitioning Out of Grad School: What To Wear

Leaving graduate school involves a lot of change and upheaval.  It might mean adopting a new 9-5 schedule, or deciding that Every Word of a Title Should Be Capitalized (thank you very much), or  it might entail a  new wardrobe.  Graduate students enjoy the luxury of being able to wear whatever they want: t-shirts and ripped jeans, skull motifs, or dreadlocks.  On the other hand, graduate students are often wearing what they can afford, and putting together a new work wardrobe can be expensive.

So how do you go about building a career wardrobe before your first pay check comes in? Don't go overboard. In a pinch you can get away with rotating clothes and changing out accessories to stretch five tops, one or two pairs of pants, and a skirt for the first two weeks.  The key is to not wear the same top and bottom, or layer a cardigan or distinctive necklace to make your outfit look different.  Don't believe it can be done? Check out this blog which restyled the same dress 365 different ways for an entire year.

I recommend beginning to acquire pieces as you go. Getting a suit or picking up a few tops for conferences mean you should already have an interviewing outfit.  For those of you trying to assemble an entire wardrobe, or curious about what it entails, I've put together some suggestions based on 1) My experience of what I actually use; 2) Some tips for saving money.

What to Buy New:

You need one classic suit.  Normally, I would recommend a matching black suit jacket and pants with a skirt.  Express, Banana Republic, and Macy's are good places to purchase these. Express and Macy's both have frequent coupons either in the paper or by mail.  Expect to pay between $150-$350 if you aren't willing to spend a lot of time and energy trying to save money.

However, if you have at least one good black suit jacket, women can get away with getting a suit set from Ross or Marshals, where you are unlikely to find the perfect basic black suit.  I often find Anne Klein, Tahari, or Calvin Klein for $100 or less for a full suit, but often in gray, or a less formal cut than you would want for your most versatile or classic wardrobe.  But, if you are pressed for cash it may be cheaper for you to just purchase a nice black jacket you can mix with separates,  and the best-looking and best-fitting full suit you can find.  Unless you are working in the most corporate of environments, a non-black suit will be just fine.  You might even feel overdressed or like catering staff if you wear a black suit jacket and black pants in a less than super formal work environment.

Of course, if you can find a full suit at a thrift store or consignment shop in good condition, congratulations!  I've never been able to do it, but pat yourself on the back and please put the money you save toward happy hour.

What to Buy Used:

Once you have a nice suit and/or a versatile black jacket, you can afford to expand your search.  I find that the easiest work attire to find at thrift stores and consignment second hand shops are sweaters and tops, and skirts.  Work appropriate dresses are generally harder to find, and attractive suits that look like they are made for people under the age of eighty five are generally rare.  The exception is uncoordinated jackets. I have picked up tons of blazers in various colors and textures, which work great mixed with the various skirts and tops (leather, corduroy, plaid, blue, etc.).
 
Skirts and dresses can be dry cleaned, or you can tie them in a pillow case and hope they make it. If your purchases from the thrift store smell, throw a cup of white vinegar into the washing machine and voila!  Everything will come out unscented.   If you skip this step, it doesn't matter how many loads you run it through, something about the vinegar really removes any scent.

How much should you expect to spend?  Well, there are some great places where everything is 99 cents.  I don't have those where I live. In my experience, a thrift store dress will run you between $3 to $9, and skirts $3-$6 (at least where I shop).  You might decide it is worth the risk to see if it can survive a cold wash hang dry on delicate.  Dress shirts are typically $3-$5 a piece, and you can get a sweater or dressy top for between $2-$5.  The upper ranges I have listed here are generally for the best quality, brand name items, and I don't often pay that much.

So, to recap: What Do You Need for Your New Wardrobe?

One Suit (Buy New)
One black jacket (Buy New)
Dress Shirts (Buy at Thrift Store, five in assorted colors)
Sweaters (Buy at Thrift Store, five in assorted colors, including black)
Cardigans or button up sweaters (Buy new or used; three in black, a neutral brown, and your favorite color)
Tops (Buy at Thrift Store, non-button up, and not long sleeve sweaters, up to ten, in assorted colors. )

Tips:

If you buy one suit, make it gray or black.  Brown and Navy are more distinctive and harder to wear frequently.  Striped can work if they are not too distinctive.  Once you have the basics, then you can add additional suits.

If you are big busted, traditional button up shirts might not be for you.  I can't stand how the buttons create a gap and won't lie flat, so I finally abandoned shirts for sweaters and dressy tops.  I've never looked back.  Of course, you can also wear some button up shirts open over a tank top.

Add a cup of white vinegar to the washing machine to remove any scent that lingers.

Some thrift stores also have necklaces and bracelets. You can also check Target, and Forever 21. I look for colored pieces to mix and match with different outfits.  I have a mix of green, yellow, turquoise, and coral that match at least three of my tops.

Anthropologie often marks its belts down significantly on sale.  I have picked up some really nice, distinctive belts for as cheap as $10.  Remember, you can wear a belt under an open cardigan, or over the cardigan to create a more polished look.

My favorite resource for shoes is Nordstrom's rack (boots and colored dress shoes).  For a classic pair of heels that aren't so high they kill your feet and you can walk in, you can't beat Nine West.

Try shopping in some regular stores to learn which brands fit you.  Then you can go out and look for those labels or wait for a sale.  If you have a hard time finding things that fit you, thrift store shopping can be educational because you get to try so many brands.

I haven't discussed quality and how to identify fabrics at all. Luckily, frugal scholar does that.  Ultimately, this is the most important part of successful second-hand shopping.

If you are really tiny, try J Crew, Banana Republic, Forever 21, BCBG, Express, and Theory ($$$).  

Do a clothing exchange with friends.

Shop your closet. You may have more work appropriate clothes than you realize, and pulling everything out to inventory it first can save you money.

Networking: Your Ticket Out of Here

Now that I have decided to leave I'm getting ready to make the social rounds.  The reality is that many jobs never make it onto indeed.com, idealist, monster, or craigslist, and many of the ones that do are posted by recruiting firms looking to build their search databases.  Instead, I'm looking to (quietly) get the word out to my friends and acquaintances, particularly those I have worked with on projects, campaigns, and other volunteer activities.

That means meet ups to grab coffee.  Or ice cream in some cases.  My calendar is starting to fill up with mini meetings and catch up sessions to put out the word on my search, and reconnect with friends and former coworkers graduate school has stolen me away from.  Already I've gotten some good suggestions and insight on certain jobs I am eyeing.

I've always been someone who networks for jobs.  My former boss told me that when she realized she wanted to leave her last job, she knew her only hope lay in networking her way out of it.  In her whirlwind social tour she went to 13 holiday parties: in one evening.  This was for a pretty high level job in Washington D.C., a city that loves its trade association events, and where cocktail networking parties (and advanced degrees for what it is worth) are beyond abundant.  While my efforts won't be this extreme, the point is that if you are looking for a job, you need to get out from behind the computer screen and start clocking some face time.

Even the academic literature supports the importance of networking to find a job.  Studies on unemployment have found that weak ties, or acquaintances, are more likely to lead to job offers (Montgomery, 1992; Grannoveter 1983).    Of course, there are also network implications for the turnover contagion that occurs when coworkers quit (Felps, et al., 2009).  Ever wonder when you finally quit who will join you?  You could start a mass exodus.

Photo credit: Pete Barr-Watson

How to Get a Job Out of Grad School

My entire graduate school career has been oriented toward keeping the back door open. Deep down I secretly knew that the odds of my putting up with this shit finishing were pretty minimal.  This was evident from a number of choices I made as I consciously straddled the world of academia and the outside world:

• I kept my individual health insurance through my M.A., even though it cost me a chunk of change in case I left to go back to self-employment.  This was particularly important since at the time the economy was so bad that good jobs with insurance were hard to come by.  It was only when they jacked my rate, and I knew (ha!) I was staying that I gave up my insurance for my department issued health plan.
• I worked the entirety of my graduate school career.  The reality is that I have never had less than two jobs: either some consulting work I retained from before I went back,  a part time super flexible job I picked up before I went back to school doing grant writing, and occasional paid research assistant positions, fellowships, etc.  This is all in addition to my working as a teaching assistant 20 hours per week, making normative progress on the insane time table mandated by my department, and doing research and course work. While it made me something of a crazy person, between all these jobs, I essentially doubled my yearly salary as a grad student, didn't take any loans, and got great additions for my C.V.  For JC of From Graduate School to Happiness, a part time job simply became the first post academic job.
• For me service meant work outside the department, as well as within it.  This is important since your department will likely completely discount outside service, when in reality it is your golden escape hatch.  While I have served on various volunteer committees and positions at the University in case I wanted to pursue an academic job (again, ha!), I made sure a lot of my volunteer time and energy went into work that would be relevant outside of academia.  Particularly, I looked for volunteer opportunities that would translate to contacts in fields I wanted to work in, and filled holes in my resume.  I actually pulled job postings for the types of positions I thought I wanted after I finished the Ph.D. so I could prepare to be a good candidate.  In fact, enough people knew about my background that last spring I was actually recruited to a job that I turned down (but told them I might accept after I went ABD) which I am now reapplying to.
• I kept my resume current, and added new details as they developed. Writing a resume from scratch is excruciating   I know because as an undergraduate who hadn't kept good track of my volunteer work, and didn't have any sense of what gaps on my resume I still needed to address, I ended up listing course work and saying things like "I'm an outgoing person who likes to talk to people."  I cringe typing that.  Not only did I really do that, but I have received resumes from other people who have done that.  It happens--but one way to avoid it is to create your resume as you go and check postings so you can give yourself the time to get the relevant experience you need, even if it is as a volunteer.  Plus, as every teaching assistant stresses to their charges, you must write in drafts and time gives you the perspective to organize your resume so you can fully leverage your experiences in ways that make you stand out to employers. 

Now that I am planning on leaving, these things make my job hunt much easier. I haven't yet gotten my first job on the outside, but I do have four really good leads that are in my interest area and would be great fits.

And not a single one requires an M.A. or a Ph.D.

A lot of this probably sounds really annoying.  "Great," you are thinking, "lucky you having the foresight and the ability to spend all this time preparing."  The reality is that most of us who leave spend months if not years preparing to exit. The nagging doubt in our mind grows to a voice we cannot ignore, which eventually turns into racking sobs, which finally gives way to sighs of relief (and maybe even shrieks of terror because let's be honest, leaving graduate school is hard). If you found this post because you aren't sure about your program, start preparing now.  Even if you finish and decide to go for a tenure track job, these strategies will make you a more interesting person more likely to get access to community sample.

If you are one of the unfortunate many who has been cut loose from funding by your department and are now scrambling to fend for yourself, start working on your resume and think about how to frame those volunteer experiences.  Pull some job listings and see where the gaps are in your experience, and even if you have to take a job for now that isn't that great, at least devise a strategy regarding how to get the experience you need for the career you want.

On Leaving Academia--or Getting Out While You Still Can

I've spent the last several months reading and rereading leaving academia blogs. In fact, I have been lurking in comment threads, escaping into the fantasy world of leaving, and mentally and emotionally checking out of my life.  This is my coming out post.  I think I am finally ready to leave.   But I didn't get here overnight.

First, there was this classic piece from Professor is in. It IS ok to quit, and graduate school is a psychological prison of our own making:

"It is ok to decide that’s not what you want.  It is ok to make another choice.  There is life outside of academia.  But academia is a kind of cult, and deviation from the normative values of the group is not permitted or accepted within its walls.  You will be judged harshly by others and, to the extent you’ve been properly socialized into the cult during graduate school, by your own inner voices.  Making the decision to leave involves confronting that judgment, working through it, and coming out the other side.  It is long and hard and involves confronting profound shame.  I went through this.  I know."

Of course, Leaving Academia (with its promise of "From Grad School to Happiness") served as my guiding light for months.  During dark days and nights, I would read and reread the posts and comments, emboldened by the idea that there is employment, a life, and a future out there. I admit to sitting in a huge lecture hall as a TA (in the back dark corner so students couldn't see my screen), reading blog posts about getting out.   JC has been like the graduate student mentor and friend who wants you to know that it will be ok.

JC also introduced me to mama nervosa, which spoke to a whole other dynamic of my wanting to leave: my desire to start a family and move on to having a life.  I struggled with whether graduate school would be a more forgiving place to get pregnant and have my first child, but the reality of graduate school as a parent on TOP of the experiences of these ladies in dealing with an unrealistic job market, low pay for adjuncts and TAs, getting through comps, and the bullshit suckiness of graduate school has been illuminating beyond words.

During fantasy escapades through blog land, I luckily stumbled across Plan B Nation's recommendations for advice books and quickly snapped up Martha Beck's Finding Your Own North Star.  This book speaks to me in a way that no book has in a long time:  her concept of the essential self and the social self has helped me strip away the bullshit I routinely fed my therapist and myself to get clarity on what it is I really want.  I hate teaching, hate grading papers, hate writing papers, hate sitting alone and isolated in front of a computer, and hate going to lectures, and academic conferences (where great titles hide horrific and unwatchable panels).  I realized that getting the PhD and walking away to a non academic job would essentially assure me of having to write papers, and sit alone in front of a computer, when I could quit now and do something else.  Why was I staying again?

In my moments of rage, I found Penelope Trunk's hilarious and brutal take down of graduate school, which lifted my spirits and helped me feel ok about walking away from a program even though it is paid.  As she points out, the lost opportunity costs, and lack of benefit to staying are just too much.

So where does this leave me?  I feel like after several false starts (I even interviewed for a job and almost left  last spring), the reality of my situation is apparent.  There is no longer any rational for staying beyond fear and ego, a fact that I admitted for the first time a week ago.

I'm terrified of getting a job and worried I won't like my options. I am also terrified I will not get a job and be stuck here writing my comps next semester.  Now that I have decided to leave, I resent all the more every paper I have to grade, while still meeting with my committee about exams I hope never to take. I don't want to tell my adviser in case I can't get a job, but need to get the word out I am looking.

But mostly, like an addict, my deep-seated fear is that I won't and can't change: that I will stay, and still be here even though I know it is the wrong thing for me.  Now that I have started down this path, I hope I am brave enough to continue.

photo credit: temporalata

Why Permanent Head Damage?

When I was but a a wee one, sitting in an undergraduate intro course that I somehow ended up taking my senior year of college, a very wise Professor launched into "the talk."  This wasn't about the birds and the bees, or even the gentle conversation with struggling students about switching their major to something easier.  No, this was the graduate school talk.

"Take a good, hard look," my Professor warned, "at what graduate students coming out of your intended program look like, because graduate school is all about breaking you down and molding you into someone new.  You want to make certain that you want to be the sort of person that comes out on the other side."

Graduate school, he intoned, was a process of production. It did something to you, trained you to think a certain way, broke you down and built you back up.  And as a graduate student you needed to be intentional about that.