Still Standing By the 85% Rule

If you are finding this blog late at night, I know exactly what advice you need--the 85% Rule. Stop fretting, worrying, googling the same keywords so many times you realize you have read everything on the Internet ever written about your problem.  

Most of all, stop worrying about making decisions with 100% certainty!

Step One

Quiet your mind.  Meditate, take a break.  Read Zen Habits. 

Step Two

When you feel 85% confident about your decision, act on it.

Life is not about certainty. If you wait until you are ready, you will be dead. It will never happen.  So stop letting the perfect be the enemy of the good, and let the good be good enough.

Step Three

Let the synchronicity begin...

Can't Figure Out Your Future? Maybe You Don't Want a Job or a Career

When I quit grad school back in 2012 I did a lot of soul searching regarding what kind of job and career I wanted for myself. There was a significant amount of time spent taking aptitude tests and finding careers that would be the right fit. I left for a policy job that involved a significant community outreach component. It was great for me on so many levels because I got to use what I learned in grad school, but I also felt like I was out in the world making a difference.  Only I was massively overqualified and after a year and a half I was recruited to another job that is for all intents and purposes a massive step up: better pay and benefits, better hours, no weekends, better title, much more responsibility, and a great learning opportunity and resume booster. This new job catches me up career wise for all the years I missed out on when I was in graduate school and not working.  This new job is hands down leaps and bounds better. Like a gift that fell in my lap.

And yet, after eight months I am bored.  Bored, lonely, and depressed about the fact that I am stuck at a desk all day, grinding out reports and budgets and projects. I feel like I am not able to be myself, and that I have lost track of what I want out of life.  I feel like I do not fit in, and that I don't really want to.  I recognized these feelings.

I started looking at job postings, and surfing listings, and I went back to my therapist who I hadn't seen since I quit graduate school.  Every session we would talk through job possibilities and what my ideal career looked like. Nothing felt right. Suddenly, one day she looked at me: "You have spent the last few years intensely focused on your career: do you still want that to be your main focus?"

She was right. I realize I don't actually want a new job, or a career right now. I've been so focused on leaving grad school and getting a J-O-B and getting my career back on track, when really what I want to focus on now is being happy and getting a L-I-F-E.  

Grad school and work can feel so all consuming. But life isn't only about grad school and work.  Life is about family, and friends, and having experiences and making sure that you are doing what makes you you.  Life is short and when you look back on it from your death bed what you did for a job is going to matter less than if you feel what you did mattered, and that you lived the life you wanted.

So I know that right now my solution isn't simply to find a better job: instead I need to find a better life. Maybe that is with this job, maybe it is in another.  Regardless, what job I have is secondary to what life I want to live.

If you find yourself struggling to figure something out, maybe you need to pause and ask yourself if the question you are asking is even one to which you need an answer.  Maybe you need tostop, and ask a different question.

What I Really Learned in Graduate School (Even Though I Quit)

When I was a graduate student I was convinced that I was learning absolutely nothing. The biggest reason I quit was my concern over the opportunity costs of staying since I didn't feel my program offered me any relevant real world skills.  Being able to read a methods section, debate the epistemological underpinnings of the social sciences, and embrace a construct and theory did not seem like particularly relevant life skills.

Yet as I entered my first job after quitting graduate school I was amazed at not only how much I had learned, but what I had learned. The most valuable lessons are not the take-aways that I or even my advisor and committee members envisioned.

1) Teaching is management experience. If you have run research team or TAed you know how to explain assignments, break them down into manageable pieces that are appropriate for the skill levels of your staff, and hold people accountable. As a manager, you are uniquely suited to developing your team's writing skills, giving constructive feedback, and providing training and development. You can also schedule out projects and calendar them, and work backward to determine due dates and start dates.  Handling sensitive information, and identifying the kinds of problems HR wants managers to be aware of (sexual harassment, conflict of interest, etc.) is second nature.

2) Public speaking.  You can present concepts and explain them, provide context and point out limitations and nuances.  All that teaching has totally prepared you for anything, including filling time in front of an audience.  You can answer questions and think on your feet.

2) Mad (and super fast writing skills).  Research and churn out thorough, concise memos faster than any of your coworkers.  Just don't work too fast or they will dump a lot more work on you ;)

3) A high tolerance for stress.  Seriously, you have juggled teaching, research, publications, grading and coursework, all while trying to make it on 16-20k a year.

4) An even higher tolerance for crazy.  No one does neurotic like academia, but be warned that the workforce is full of crazy people.

5) No concept of what it means to have a weekend or weeknight free. Working long hours isn't unusual, so you will have the stamina and pride of work to put in the extra effort when you need to, and with most jobs the new found freedom of not taking work home all the time is awesome. Even jobs with long hours will seem great by comparison to your old life.

6) A low paying job probably doesn't pay as badly as being a graduate student. Seriously, employment law makes it very hard for you to find something lower paying than being a graduate student.

Of course, some of your skills may hold the potential to cause problems.

7) The ability to critique and destroy just about everything can really piss of your coworkers.  Academia trains us to debate and spar verbally in a way that may be extremely inappropriate depending on your work place, so be careful with this one.

8) Theory and past experience in initiating, planning, and scheduling projects can help you predict when something your organization is doing is going to go terribly wrong.  You can warn them, but your coworkers likely won't listen.  They really don't care about or understand the role of vigilance in decision making, the risks of group think, or how bona fide groups may suggest their initiative is going to fail spectacularly.

9) Face time and Freedom. You are going to hate not being able to set your own schedule, and decide which ideas and projects you want to pursue. Being indoors all day also makes you really miss the sun.

For me the hardest part of leaving graduate school was trying to silence my inner know-it-all, and adjusting to an environment in which not everyone was aggressively analyzing everything all the time. My managers in my first job had a hard time managing me because they didn't have much feedback to give me.  They had never manager or taught, and they were frankly in over their head, Being in the workplace after graduate school sometimes felt like my undergraduates were running the joint, but with no one around to point out what they were doing wrong.

Look for strong, experienced managers and mentors who you can learn from.  I lucked out in my current job--I'm actually working for another former graduate student who quit just like I did many years ago.

Hiding Your Emotions at Work

I'm not a big fan of hiding or suppressing your emotions, because I think emotions serve as important guides, and they are just going to eventually leak out anyway.  But sometimes when we are going through the difficult process of figuring out what we want we stir up a lot of feelings and emotions that don't come out at the most opportune of times.

About six months before I quit my grad program I ran into one of my committee members at a coffee shop.  All he said was "hi, how are you doing?"  It was just a toss off social pleasantry, but I became an unhinged sniveling ugly cry mess. Granted, I had a friend dying of cancer at the time, but I was also doing a lot of soul searching about whether I should stay. The mere suggestion that I check in with how I was doing emotionally was enough to unleash everything I had been holding back. I apologized, but couldn't stop weeping and ended up walking off crying.   It totally freaked him out, and I was slightly mortified, but by the end of my program I had cried in front of just about every Professor I had. That should probably have been a sign, because I am normally not a super easy to cry person.  Eventually we laughed about it the next fall when I finally quit, but I try to pay attention to emotional outbursts because they tend to indicate something is not working for me.  

So what to do?  Sometimes you just have to let it run its course. It's not the end of the world if your advisor or a fellow grad sees you crying, because it let's them know there is an issue. Plus, I guarantee they've seen worse (we do teach undergrads after all). Even if it is socially uncomfortable you have a right to excuse yourself and leave to find a safe space. You can minimize the after affects of your crying jag by remembering to breathe, dabbing (not rubbing your face with cold water), and for flair you can always fake a sneeze as you reenter a room to hide your red eyes.

If you are really a hot mess you might want to review these more extended tips, which include faking reading a magazine (though I tried this and tears and snot are pretty hard to control when you are looking down), or pretending to nap if you are on the bus (this happened to me).  I ended many a session in the bathroom where I splashed some cold water on my face, reapplied some make up, and slipped on my sunglasses.

Whatever you do, don't beat yourself up.  Promise yourself you'll let it all out when you get home, and recognize that you may need to spend some extra time paying attention to your feelings.

Giving Notice: How to Gracefully Exit out of Graduate School Part II

My post on the logistical aspects of giving notice has been among my most popular, and continues to recieve significant traffic. First, given how much time and energy graduate students invest in their programs, it makes sense not to burn bridges when you leave.  Second, I like to think that this post provides an opportunity to plan for the future rather than worry about it:  leaving involves so much soul searching that it can be really constructive to channel that energy into the actual steps that action involves.

While that post dealt with the process of infoming advisors, Libet asked an excellent question in the comments about when the best time to give notice is.  Do you wait for the end of the semester?

I ultimately decided when to give notice based on the TA selection deadlines. Drawing on my time in the private sector and the ritual of the traditional two weeks notice, it made sense to me that I should let everyone know with enough warning that my replacement could be lined up. Our assignments were normally finalized and announced in mid December so I gave notice the first week of the month so that the TA coordinator had one or two weeks to make adjustments and do some on campus interviews since she would have to hire outside the department. She also had the built in cushion of winter break for her to make arrangements.

Concerns Over Giving Notice too Early

I think the biggest concerns with having the conversation too early in the semester are concerns over grades (though in graduate school these concerns tend to be less a problem) or if you are leaving at a degree milestone and have concerns your advisors will lose interest or not pass you. The reality is once you quit most departments will just want to pass you out. I also worried if I told my advisor too early she would find a way to talk me out of it--though you will get questions regarding whether you are just burnt out with end of semester stress if you wait.

There is also something about deciding you no longer have to do something you hate that makes finishing out your time increadibly difficult.  When I quit a job many years ago I had expected giving notice would lead me to feel relieved.  Instead it made the tedium of my responsibilities almost unbearable. Once I had given myself permission to leave, the fact that I was still there even if only for a few more weeks was more painful than I anticipated.  If you have a major milestone like a thesis due, you just need to make sure that you will have the energy to get across the finish line.  

Finally, my biggest concern on timing had to do with concerns over not having any employment. I ended up giving notice without a job lined up because by that point I had decided I would rather work at Starbucks than stick around an extra semester, and it all worked out fine. The benefit of being paid poverty level wages is that pretty much ANY job will pay more. That makes it a bit easier to quit in some ways.

So to all of you considering when and how to notify everyone about your decision good luck! This process is ultimately about finding the right balance of what works for you, so while it is important to consider the consequences of how you go about executing your decision don't overthink it.  Think it through, then listen to yourself and do what feels right. Just remember, this too shall pass and taking the first step toward asserting what works for you and what doesn't is a powerful move with the potential to set things in motion.

The Business Casual Hippy

The thing I miss most about graduate school is the dress code:  Not only could I get away with wearing anything, but having worked for six years prior to entering my Ph.D. program I took full advantage of that fact.  Colored tights, ridiculous dresses, hats, and outrageous outfits that would only be appropriate on a college campus or a bus bench were de rigueur.

When it came time for me to go back to work I wanted to assemble a wardrobe on a budget.  That meant starting by shopping my own closet and building a thrift store fabulous collection of basics, and my previous post provided exhaustive detail and some great links on how to do that. But I think the concept of shopping your own closet really deserves more attention.

Most former graduate students have clothes that we don't think of as work clothes.  Now some of it is just what we could afford as students, and should be happily sent off to a second life at Buffalo Exchange or the local Salvation Army.  But some of it can be subtly mixed with classic career wear pieces to create a look I affectionately refer to as Business Casual Hippy. Worn alone the pieces may be a fireable offense, but layered under a cardigan with a black suit skirt, or paired with a nice blazer they may be a nice compliment to what would otherwise be some very dull business casual.  It may not be possible in the most formal of workplaces, but in small quantities you can still totally rock skulls and tie dye.

Should I Quit Grad School?

"Should I quit grad school?"  I can't count the number of times I have typed that phrase into Google, hoping for an answer that deep down I already knew.  "Quitting grad school," "Should I stay," and "I hate grad school" were searched so many times, that I often found myself reading sites and comment threads only to realize that I was rediscovering them. Years later.  My desire to leave, and my search for justification, validation, and some company in my misery was that bad.

They say insanity is doing the same thing, but expecting a different result.  It does seem a little crazy to be constantly searching and researching the same damn thing, but that is part of the process of leaving.  If you have found this post because you are a frustrated graduate student unhappy in your program, and uncertain in your future, know that you are not alone.  Know also that as you sort through everything you are going through, you are very likely to meet yourself again and again.

And that is ok.  Deciding to leave or to stay is a big thing.  The process takes time.  Be gentle with yourself, and realize that whether you stay or go, there you are.  You deserve to be happy, and you need to do what is best for you, and not anyone else.    

The Life of the Mind F&%k

The biggest lie about graduate school and the Professoriate is the bull they feed you about what Benton (2010) calls the Big Lie of the Life of the Mind. This narrative paints a picture of the academy as the only worthwhile place for those who value intellectualism, and one worthy of so much sacrifice as to justify the lowest of salaries.  The academy is presented as a place of respite from a stupid, ugly world where you can go to ruminate on ideas.  While everyone else is proving themselves smarter than a fifth grader, or out grubbing for money, you are thinking peer reviewed deep thoughts.

I don't know where you are going to graduate school, but I constantly feel like I am in a cubicle with those guys at Inotech.  My department is all about increasing graduate student productivity, and running us through every benchmark of degree progress as quickly and efficiently as possible.  There is little time to explore ideas, follow your passion, or even develop your own work.  In my nightmares, I see Lumbergh hanging over Peter's desk asking "How's that conference paper coming?" and telling me "I'm going to need you to come in on Saturday."  There has been a speeding up of life as a graduate student. In scarce funding environments, increased enrollments, and budget cuts, graduate students are expected to work longer, harder, and faster.  We publish more, and fight harder for the jobs that are out there.  As one of my faculty observed (not with compassion so much as cheerleading) "Students are graduating with the CVs of second and third year Assistant Professors!"  I feel like an early 90s office worker whose life has been turned upside down by outside forces shaping society in ways we can only begin to comprehend.

Leaving Graduate School--the Soundtrack

So one way I have been trying to reconnect with my interests, passion, and sense of self is through music.  My favorite song right now is "I am not a Robot," by Marina and the Diamonds.  It speaks to the ways in which I have walled off my emotions to get through the day.  Very robot-like!

Some of the lyrics I can really relate to... 

You're vulnerable, you're vulnerable
You are not a robot
You're lovable, so lovable
But you're just troubled

Guess what? I'm not a robot, a robot
Guess what? I'm not a robot, a robot

The video is kind of cool, too.   You can watch it here. 

In fact, her star body paint reminds me of sparkle pony, so for good measure I'm linking to that awesome clip from Portlandia, too.

A Little Passion for a Project

Now that I have starting moving toward the exit, I find it harder and harder to focus on the work I need to finish up.  Realizing you have no passion for the majority of what  you do makes it difficult to keep slogging forward.  There's one project on my plate that I took on when I still thought I wanted to go the research route, and I am actively avoiding it. Today I cleared my schedule to work on it, and I just can't concentrate.

Part of the challenge is that I spent all day yesterday grading undergraduate essays. That kills both brain cells and soul cells--it's all I can do to mark margins in an exercise I no longer believe in. More and more my comments veer toward: 1) general, useful writing advice that will carry students beyond a course assignment (two page paragraphs, really?); 2) elaborate drawing illustrating my comments, such as "hit me over the head with your argument," complete with stick figure and mallet (will my point get through?).  This can't be my only creative outlet.

Things got so bad regarding my inability to concentrate on grading that I resorted to writing my essential self a letter:

Dear Essential Self,
I hear you loud and clear--and I totally GET IT!  You hate school, and you want out. While I facilitate our exit (escape?), please have some patience.  We really need to finish this damn grading!  We need to walk away from school into gainful employment, not slink off with a box full of our office belongs and a big fat FIRED stamped across future references.  Health insurance remains a valuable tool to access all those mental health services we need!

Dreams of My Future

A few weeks ago  I woke up from a strange dream:  I have been logging into student health lately to follow up on my physical, and in my dream our former Department Chair contacted me to say that he had received a notification from the system that I had dropped out of the program. Everything was fine, I should just turn in my key.  

Apparently I had pressed the wrong button, and inadvertently unenrolled from graduate school.  I couldn't believe such a snafu had occurred, and explained to him, “No no, I’m not dropping out.  I must have hit the wrong button.” He  didn’t try to argue with me, and didn’t even feel we needed to have a discussion.  Just like that, he alerted me that the system had informed him of my decision and by clicking a button by mistake, notice was considered given. 

In my dream I kept explaining to him it wasn’t intentional, that I had just accidently pressed the wrong button.  I was neither relieved nor upset, just surprised at the kafka-esque notion that a button pressed by accident and without any intention on a seemingly unrelated website had been interpreted as my leaving.  Leaving seems like such a big, hard, challenging and dangerous taboo prospect: this was anti climactic to say the least. 

I Just Can't Take It Anymore

Entering my fourth year of graduate school, I just don’t know if I can do it anymore.  I look at the draft of research questions I wrote for my project, and the lines mean nothing to me. I stare at words on the page and they stare right back at me.  They seem to have discovered the secret invisibility of ink so boring you won’t notice it is there.

“What am I doing?” I think to myself.  Why am I still here?

I’ve wanted to drop out of graduate school since I arrived.  My first day of class I was late, and showed up unprepared having not done the reading.  To be fair, it was a surprise.  My department likes to start classes before the official start date of the semester, tacking on an extra session because “a semester is just too short to get it all done.”  I thought I was coming for orientation, but got a surprise lecture on epistemology instead. (Side Note: surprise epistemology, episiotomy, why are the words and their meanings in that context both so painful?)

I’ve always been the reluctant graduate student.  Maybe that should tell me something. 

Graduate School is like a Bad Zombie Horror Film

The other day as I was riding up to campus on the bus with too little sleep at the end of a long semester.  Despite struggling to stay awake, I started fixating on all the ways that graduate school is like a bad zombie flick.

A scene from a bad zombie movie flashed before my eyes:

"Don't you get it!?  they are trying to eat our brains!  they are zombies!  Their definitional operation and epistemology might be better, but they are trying to accomplish the same thing.  well be like the living dead!"

"I don't know..."

"Remember John?  He was like the living dead when they finally passed him out of here with his dissertation!"

"Dissertation," he responds in monotone,  his eyes glazed over with a vacant look. 

"They got you too!  Dude we have to get out of here!"

Alas, like most things academic someone beat me to it. But the beauty of academia is that someone has almost always invariably gotten started on your idea, and you get to build off of their hard work.  So I am happy to reaffirm that some scholars have asserted surviving your first year of graduate school can be likened to surviving a Zombie Apocalypse(Meyers, 2011). 

And you know you are PhD when you search your computer files for the rest of that zombie screen play, and it returns the Zimbardo prison study.  SIGH.

Prepare to have your brain eaten, and your head PhDed (a.k.a. permanently head damaged).