The 85% Rule: Or How to Make Good Decisions

Sometimes we come to a cross roads in life where we face a big decision we just don't feel comfortable making.  We waiver, we delay, we can't decide if we should or shouldn't.  On the really big decisions we worry we are going to screw it up.

1) The 85% Rule.  You don't have to be 100% certain, or even 100% ready. In fact, you probably never will be.  This rule does not mean you rush rashly into a decision.  It simply means that you don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good.  You still need to do your research, think about what you want, game out the pros and cons, and examine your feelings.  But if the only decisions you ever make are so easy that you don't feel even the slightest niggling doubt, you are probably only jumping at the safe opportunities.  And that should be scary because some of the best opportunities require us to grow and stretch a bit beyond our comfort zone.  Content yourself with being 85% certain, and when you get to 85% give yourself permission to act.

2) Catastrophe thinking or overthinking.  This is often a consequence of trying to get to 100% certainty. Even when you have done your due diligence, you may feel you just aren't ready. You need more research, more planning. You let yourself get stuck in preparation for a leap you never make.  Anxiety is the easiest way to recognize this problem.  The solution is to get out from behind your computer, stop planning, and start doing. Get out of your house and go interact with people.  Get a piece of paper and literally write down the worst case scenario.  Once you get it on paper or say it out loud true catastrophe thinking reveals itself to be so silly that it melts away as a barrier.  For me, catastrophe thinking made me believe I couldn't quit graduate school until I had a job lined up.  It wasn't until my therapist pointed out that I could make more money working at Starbucks, and could just continue working my part time non-profit job that I finally felt the freedom to quit.

3) Sometimes not making a decision is itself a decision.  If you can't decide between saying yes and saying no, if you wait long enough your opportunity to decide will be gone.  That is ok, and rather than worry about your indecisiveness accept the fact that you are either not willing to make a decision at the moment, or are choosing to stick with the status quo.  Which is actually a decision, so you were more decisive than you thought.

Your Intellectual Life After Academia

Now that I have been out of school for almost two months, and fully employed for a little over one, I want to address a fear that graduate students contemplating leaving academia likley have:  the end of your intellectual life.  To paraphrase Mark Twain, rumours of your brain's demise have been greatly exaggerated.

This was not an issue I particulalry struggled with: I was, afterall, in the process of writing a book before I applied to school.  Still, the big lie of the life of the mind has a powerful pull, and I realize that others may worry about what happens after Professors and the pressure to publish remove any required reading.

What You Won't Miss

First, I have not read a single article from my discipline since leaving.  Not one.  However, that does not mean I have not been reading other academic fields.  I still have remote access through my university, and there are a few projects that leaving has freed me up to pursue.  I'm finally free to pursue lines of research that interested me, but not my department, and for a more general audience where I think my arguments will be more impactful.

Also, leaving Academia has also freed me from conventions I hate:  Only capitalizing the first word of titles.  ARGH  #$^%! I never got used to that, can't stand it, and have now flaunt my Capitalized Titles with Reckless Abandon!

Voracious and Changed Reading Habits

Now that I get to read what I want, when I want, and without the obligation to read hanging over me, I have actually been reading more.  My initial reading list can best be characterized as escapist rebellion:  as a recovering social scientist I set aside non-fiction for historical novels, which I previously claimed to hate.  Most reading focused on political intrigue of 15th and 16th century English court.  Why?  Perhaps the politics of my department, or the anticiapted political and policy angle of my now current job. Regardless, this constituted a complete 180.  Who knows the source of my motivations, but after years of supressing my desires and interests the deal I made with my soul once I quit was that I was going to let myself do pretty much whatever I wanted.  As you can see, I also threw some Papal history into the mix:


Mary Queen of Scotts and the Isles
The Other Bolyn Girl
The Borgias 


What You Read May Change
Primarily, I have also shifted from the purely academic books to smart, intellectually stimulating novels, short stories, and non-fiction.  In the two months since I have left, I have also finished:

Misconceptions: Truth, Lies and the Unexpected on the Journey to Motherhood
Another City: Writing from Los Angeles
City Making: Building Communities without Building Walls

That's between 1000-2000 pages of reading, not including online articles and newspapers, let alone the reading, research, and policy analyis I do for my job.

Don't Put Pressure On Yourself
The biggest advice I have is to relax and let yourself recover. Initially, my lack of writing has been disapointing.  However, I also realize that quitting graduate school, finding a new job, and adjusting to life post Ph.D. track is an  intense and emotional process. I've just started to think about writing again, but I'm reducing my expectations of myself.   It could be six months or a year before I pick up the writing I want to do, and that is ok. Of course, I didn't come to this highly rational and circumspect conclusion alone, which is why I still recommend a good therapist!

Giving Notice: How to Gracefully Exit Graduate School

So I haven't been blogging lately, in part due to the whirlwind of activity that has defined my life in the past few weeks. First, I should announce that I officially gave notice just over a week ago. Second, I should emphasize that I did so without having a job lined up.  Third, I should mention that I have never felt happier, more free, or like life has more potential.  Ultimately, I decided that my desire to leave was strong enough that not having a secure offer was ok, but it tool a lot of work to get to that point.

How does one exactly give notice?  I had four nominal bosses in my program:  the department chair, with whom I worked closely on research; my adviser, with whom I am very close; my TA supervisor, who assigned us to courses and needed to be informed ASAP regarding my decision; and the department personal/secretary who seemed to have her hand in everything administrative.  Who I even needed to tell, let alone in what order they should be informed, presented quite the roadblock.

Ultimately, email seemed to make the most sense for me since my biggest fear was being talked out of leaving. This allowed me to carefully consider my reasons, and make sure I communicated them in a straight forward way that left little room for doubt.  I wrote a draft, then had a fellow grad who has contemplated leaving many times, but was emotionally removed from the process, edit my emails.  I also paid a visit to everyone I emailed, or talked with them by phone.  This allowed them to ask questions, but having already framed my leaving in the email, these conversations went much more smoothly.

Mainly I focused on the fact that my leaving had everything to do with my realization that my ideal job involved both a different path and different set of tasks than the Ph.D. provided.  While I valued my experiences and training, I realized I no longer wanted to do research.  This made my leaving a lot easier for the faculty to process.  Many of the people who questioned my leaving were not trying to undermine my decision, they simply wanted to make sure I had thought everything through.  Many felt shocked and surprised by my decision, and felt obligated to ask about how I arrived at my choice.  Several alluded to the fact that I was a successful graduate student, and seemed genuinely perplexed that someone who was not  having problems would chose to leave.

If you decide to quit don't be shocked or upset if people ask why.

Understand that questioning does not mean that you are being judged for your decision.  This was my greatest fear in leaving.  Meeting with my therapist the Friday before to discuss my leaving, my worst case scenario included being scolded, yelled at, and shut out.  Instead, I could not have scripted a better exit: my faculty were sad, but supportive, and even helped me look into how to structure my leave so that if I decide to return I can.  They told me they respected my decision (several even called it brave and courageous) and said that they would welcome me back with open arms if I decided to finish.  The encouraged me to look into various options, and supported my leaving in a way that provided me the most flexibility.  I will be working with several of them to finish publications over the next few months, and they have emphasized that I can continue to use my institutional affiliation for those publications.  I was even asked how they can support me in leaving (extended library privileges, Please!).

Part of my luck is a direct result of the fact that as a graduate student I went out of my way to talk to faculty, whether they were in my relevant area or not. I said hi in the hallway, volunteered for department service, and generally tried to engage with everyone, including admins.  Life is about relationships, and now that I am leaving I have a lot of people who are wishing me well.  Even when our graduate student life is unfulfilling and angst inducing, the opportunities we have to engage with others can also provide a ladder out, either through references or leads on other jobs.  It feels nice to leave on my own terms, and with the support of even those who while sad about my decision, want the best for me.  Even though I'm not finishing in the way that was expected, I still want to exit successfully: with grace, good will, and optimism.  If you're reading this because you are thinking of leaving, good luck!  If you are still questioning whether to stay, I want you to know there is light on the other end.  

Read Giving Notice:  How to Gracefully Exit Graduate School Part II 

Quitting is a Pain in the Neck

Ever since I resolved to quit school in early November, I have felt an unbearable tension in my neck.  At first, I thought I must have slept on it funny.  Actually, if I am being honest, I think I leaned on it weird at the bar during a night of debauchery with another bitter graduate student friend.  While letting off some steam should have left me feeling great, the next morning my neck was killing me.  I have been in pain all month.

Normally, I would have treated this as a physical problem, but I have experienced this before. You see, when I get really stressed, my body rebels.  My back goes out, or I end up on crutches (really), or some other gnarly incapacity which invariably prompts everyone to ask "What HAPPENED?" To which I invariably have no answer except "Nothing, I woke up this way and think my body is just freaking out."  It's a seriously disappointing answer when  you essentially cannot walk and people have images of grand car accidents or a gnarly cliff diving incident.

So I knew that the neck thing was likely stress.  I tried to get my neck to cooperate.  I meditated, I started journaling again, I got into lucid dreaming. I tried stress reduction and listened to my body.  None of it worked.  I decided it was sitting hunched over my laptop, which I just can't avoid.  Finally, I called and made an appointment for my therapist.

I can't underscore the importance of a good therapist if you are considering quitting graduate school.  While friends and family are a great source of support, you need a safe impartial place to talk through the fears, desires, and issues you may be hiding from even yourself.   I scheduled my appointment for directly after a department lecture, perhaps presciently.  After a particularly brutal and appalling session (attack of the academics!), I rushed out early to make my appointment.   Most of the session was spent in tears.  The word "comprehensive exams" served as a trigger.  We couldn't even discuss my impending exams without my tearing up into a hysterical mess.  Everytime I thought about staying, I started bawling.  After mapping out various employment scenerios my therapist finally asked why I needed a job to quit.  She looked genuinely appalled by the situation I was in. I was doing catastrophe thinking, she said, and recognizing this would make things better.

She was right.  We talked honestly about my fears, the sources of those fears, and I heard myself saying things I didn't ever normally let myself think: like how I wanted to quit and walk away even without employment, and what I felt was holding me back.  For whatever reason I had decided that I needed my paltry, poverty level stipend, when the reality is that even working at Starbucks would pay better (and provide health insurance!).  Deep down, I felt it was only ok to leave for something better.

By the end of the session, I was a hot sniveling mess, but I felt free.  It was only driving home that I noticed I didn't have anymore neck pain.  And it hasn't returned.

There is no right or wrong way to leave.  There isn't even a right or wrong way for you to leave.  Be open to possibilities, but know that all doors are open.  If you are struggling and having a hard time, you may be closing doors on yourself.  Which is why it is such a good thing to have an outside person who can help you decipher the crazy mixed up feelings and legitimate fear leaving entails.

Repeating College When you Didn't Flunk

I am now three and a half years into graduate school.  For someone who graduated with a double major with honors while studying abroad (twice), I suddenly realize that I have now essentially doubled my college education.

Let me repeat that:  I have now spent almost as much time in graduate school as I did in undergrad.

Put another way, I have essentially doubled the amount of time spent in college. Compared to my friends who went straight into the workforce, it is like I went to college twice.  And I didn't even flunk!  In fact, I excelled in college.

While I realize that graduate school is completely different experience, and is not in fact like repeating the B.A. experience since you go so in depth in your subject area, and spend time TAing, researching, and really taking your research to the next level, from a raw time perspective it might be a worthwhile way of getting some perspective on the madhouse that is higher ed.

I know that when I think about staying (only!) two more years to finish, thinking about the fact that I have already spent as much time in grad school as I did in undergrad *which felt like a significant and formative chunk of time, I suddenly become much more protective of letting the system mold me any longer.  I've given the University enough of my life.

What is it About Graduate School?

I LOVE this post about should I go to graduate school.  It's just snarky and bitter enough to match my mood.  It also talks about the insidious, totalizing aspects of graduate school that are often difficult to articulate. When I try to explain to people about how consuming graduate school is, they don't really get it.  At least not in the way that this guy does:   

"For all these reasons, graduate school is not something you want to experiment with. Think heroin--this is your brain, this is your brain on graduate school. Think Al Pacino in "Godfather 3"--just when you think you are out, you will l be sucked back in again. Academia, especially in the humanities and the social sciences, is a total culture. It colonizes most aspects of your life. You are never not an academic--the little mental tape recorder is on all the time, or it had better be if you want to be good at this life. Anything is grist for my mill as a teacher and a scholar, and that is as it should be. Graduate school is, if anything, even more totalizing than this. It gets into your pores.  Somewhere in the back of your head, your dissertation or your oral exams will be burrowing outwards through your brain tissue with incisors of fear."  

I can feel them! 

The notion of graduate school as so totally consuming is also part of what scares me about leaving.  Much like driving a manual car, then suddenly driving an automatic seems so stupidly simple as to be boring.  I worry that down shifting from academia to a regular job, even if it is a socially and intellectually stimulating one, will make me feel like something is missing: like it will forever ruin me. That I somehow have permanent head damage, and will never think the same way again.  That is likely true, so to get more specific, I'll go back to the previous author who put it so succinctly: "It changes your standards for what is good and what is bad, what is smart and what is dumb."

Of course, maybe what will be missing is the neuroses, the fear, the constant criticism and sense that I should be doing something (writing up an article for publication, attending another brain numbing panel session, etc.).     And that would be something to look forward to!

Spiritual Emergency

I haven't been blogging much in the last week, mainly because I haven't had anything to say.  The holiday and visiting family served as its own form of distraction, but I also have been struggling with how I feel about leaving. In the last few days I've vacillated between feeling trapped, angry, anxious, and upset.  Several nights I experienced full on panic attacks.  

I seem to have hit the bump in the road that some refer to as a spiritual emergency.  Despite expecting such set backs, they are strikingly disruptive.  In searching online, I stumbled across a post I thought really did a good job of giving voice to this crisis.   He also recommends a book by the name of Spirtual Emergency, a phrase that resonates with this stage in the journey. 

It can be tempting to view set backs as a sign you're on the wrong track, that life won't work out, and you are destined for failure.  Instead, I am trying to view this moment as a realization that my current stage is highly uncertain: whether I will have a job and be able to leave before next semester, whether I will have to sit for comp exams, and even whether I am truly ready to walk away are highly stressful to deal with.  Of course I am going to feel like having a nervous breakdown in the face of these challenges, but they are part of a process toward a a new life.  

As Jayson Gaddis wrote, "Yet, for the few of us who see a massive identity breakdown as a step toward wholeness, instead of illness, we can take the view that this is a natural stage toward genuine human health and expanded consciousness."

I like that sentiment, even if it is hard to remember in the grips of my panic. 

Graduate Student Exploitation

I'm incredibly lucky that in my own situation, I'm not dealing with a horrible adviser, or faculty who are stealing graduate student research.  I just don't like graduate school.

Yet the article referenced above really does reveal one of the challenges of graduate student life:  as a grad student, you are in a vulnerable position where the politics of your department and profession can make you feel powerless.  Interestingly enough, in the entire article about graduate students suing advisers and universities, the major reason a grad student may not come forward is ignored: it's not just that they think they can't win, it's that the relationship with one's adviser is what will result in a diss getting finished and approved, and the grad student getting out.  Often, it's the most poisonous people who control our destiny.  

I also don't think that these problems are rare. In my own experience, I know at least one student this has happened to, and in a very egregious way.  Several others had less severe experiences with it, all the same adviser.  But not a single one wants to say anything, and they all begged me not to either given the power this person has over their lives. 

Listening to Myself

Regardless of what the future holds for me, I'm working on listening to myself.  It's not always easy.  One way I'm trying is by meditating.  I used to meditate when I was in college, but never very consistently, and I found it a hard habit to form and a difficult one to practice.

My new solution is both innovative and a bit weird   You see, I have decided the best place to meditate is on  the toilet.  Not while going to the bathroom (though it sounds like it works for this guy), but with the lid down seated in full lotus on the lid.  It's the one place in the house that people expect to be left alone, and it is not somewhere I routinely hang out with a wifi connection. The bathroom also offers the advantage that no matter where you go, a hotel on a trip, the in-laws, there is one waiting for you.  This helps considerably with consistency. 

So far I have been pretty successful over the past two days this method has been under review.  It really brings new meaning to the phrase "praying to the porcelain God."  

Help! My Spouse is a Grad Student! A.k.a.To All the Long Suffering Spouses of Graduate Students

Dear Spouse/Partner/Husband/Wife/Girlfriend/Boyfriend/Significant Other/ lover of a graduate student,

You have our undying gratitude, love, and deep admiration.  As miserable as many of us graduate students are, you suffer mightily.  You have little to no control over whether or not we stay or go, and you don't always understand why we are so crazy over a job that seems quite flexible. You don't doubt the mental and psychic stress we are under, but you also don't understand it.

There are guides posted online for the spouses of graduate students, but I honestly don't think there is any significant way to improve the suffering and misery.  I don't want to be a pessimist, but I am going to validate the frustration of seeing someone you love suffer and continually go back to the source of their pain.  The spouses have every right to ask where's my diploma?

What Role Should Advisers Play in Leaving?

I stumbled across this great article about advising grad students who won't finish.  In it, Cassuto (2010) argues that faculty should do a better job talking to students about the possibility that they might not want to finish.  The academy needs to make clear to students that leaving is an option, and one that shouldn't be shameful. He writes:

"Not every graduate student will finish a dissertation. We know that truth to be self-evident. Nor should every graduate student finish. Some would be better off doing other things with their lives. Others simply can't complete the project."

My adviser and I have never discussed my leaving as a real possibility. I told her last spring that I was offered a job, and decided to turn it down, but only after I spent weeks interviewing, discussing details, and ruminating over my options.  As I've posted, I have had several breakdowns in which I openly question whether I should stay.  Despite all of this talk, we've never had a conversation about whether I should.

I'm not sure such a conversation would be helpful.  A relationship with an adviser is by definition unequal in power.  Graduate students are already insecure in their role as an apprentice, it would be hard to take discussions of leaving as anything other than an adviser signalling that they no longer believe in their student.  When I first was admitted to my department, the graduate adviser challenged me after a long admit weekend on whether I should even come to the program. I can't recall the exact language he used, but it was shocking at the time when he said he didn't see me here, and had a hard time seeing how I fit.  The fact that he questioned whether I even wanted this might have been prescient, but I wasn't ready to hear it.  It made me work harder, to prove him wrong.

Instead, the emphasis needs to be on what graduate students hope to get out of life, and whether graduate school and the Ph.D. will move them toward that.  This is what Cassuto (2010) means when he suggests advising the student and not just the dissertation.  We all need to do a better job trying to see the big picture.

An Ode to Joy

One thing about graduate school that really surprised me is the extent to which the whole experience can just suck any joy out of life.  Like a succubus perched on the chest of the sleeping Victorians, I felt my life essence draining away due to what I now recognize as situational depression.  While graduate school can be a time of wonderment and exploration for those truly suited to it, for me graduate school was like one really long illness that left me exhausted, numbed out, and emotionally drained.  I had a hard time leaving my work at school, and this interfered with my ability to do anything else, especially enjoy myself. 

This fall, when I finally gave myself permission to leave, doing things I enjoyed suddenly became possible again.  I’ve been listening to music, writing, and going on spontaneous outings with my husband that I normally would have turned down.  I’ve been less rigid with planning my day, and when things don’t go right, I just adjust rather than freak out.  As my therapist put it, I’m learning to live less on the edge.  In fact, I’ve been having so much fun that I have been staying up way too late and paying the price since I still get up early.

My favorite time of the year is fall: I love Halloween, Thanksgiving, and most of all Christmas.  What I love even more than the holidays is their anticipation.  I begin thinking about pumpkins and costumes in September, and listening to Christmas music in October, and I put my tree up around Thanksgiving.  This year, with all the emotional work of leaving, I threatened to put the tree up in September.  But I’ve made it until now in part because my husband bought me a new tree for Christmas, and I am so excited as I wait for it to arrive.

This tree is the opposite of the graduate school practical tree.  This tree is not what my social self says a tree should be.  Rather than a practical green tree, it is a riotous, fantastical indulgence.  My new tree is a champagne colored, pre lit 6.5 foot slim profile tree.  I fell in love with it last year as a display tree at a local coffee shop, and looked up the specs determined to get one this year.  This is the Liberace of Christmas trees, and I am going to throw every glittery glass ornament I have at it. 

As I deal with the hard stuff of leaving, my ability to enjoy myself and feel happiness is increasing.  In fact, I’ve begun to think that actively seeking out opportunities to experience joy is an important part of the leaving process.   For me, that is going to be giving thanks for the opportunities I have had and will continue to have, as well as for my family, and friends.  As well as the simple joy of really enjoying the holidays this year, one ornament at a time. 

Doubts on Leaving Graduate School

Lately, I’ve been having second (third, fourth, upteen) thoughts on leaving.  Part of me worries that I might regret walking away.  I still don’t want to teach, lecture, grade or attend socializing events.  I don’t even want to write my dissertation, or go through the stress of comp exams.  I just feel like I am prepared enough now that I have so much invested, that maybe I shouldn’t walk away.   

This is a concept known in economics as sunk costs, or the notion that when we calculate how much more we should invest, we think about how much we have already spent.  Economists think this is crazy, by the way, because it often results in people throwing good money after bad. If a gambler has already lost $500, the last thing they should do is throw an additional $100 after the bad debt.  Sure, they might get lucky, but what they have been doing isn’t working. 

Many of the bloggers who write about leaving graduate school have talked about sunk costs. The reason sunk costs come up so much is that quitting is uncomfortable.  While some quit in the first semester, most of us seem to be quitting further in, when suddenly all the time and effort we have already spent looms before us to become justification for devoting even more time.  For a really great break down on when to leave, check out this post on LeavingAcademia.com.  While the author talks about leaving during a recession, if you scroll down you will find a prescient analysis of when you should leave graduate school.

I know that objectively if I stay through next semester I will be miserable.  I also know that I do not want to stay through the dissertation.  Even my guilt isn’t very logical since I am just talking about sinking more time, but not enough to finish.  So I don’t know that my concern is even about the sunk costs so much as the finality of leaving.  The fact that I have funding, and a fellowship in a top department means leaving closes this door forever which should be a good thing, but is still hard.

When I think about the fact that I have finished all of my coursework, it’s that no other University will ever recognize that coursework without making me jump through a bunch of hoops and even more coursework that it truly feels wasted.  I know that I really will never go back.   The fact that I have done all this reading for comps, and won’t even “do anything” with it, makes me feel like I should write my comprehensive exams on my own from my new job and send them to my (former) faculty.  Yes, writing that statement makes me feel crazy. 

The truth is that I am sorting out several difficult issues: the guilt of walking away from something that I should want but don't; the guilt of not finishing something I started (I can hear my dad's voice now); and my own personal foible of having a very hard time just being done with something.  I always think I am going to stay involved, and then I feel guilty when I invariably don’t, so I lose track of relationships and lose the connections to friends and people I really enjoyed. 

So I’m creating this as a challenge for myself: I will leave graduate school, and when I do, I will really leave.  I am not going to promise to submit articles, or do additional rewrites.  I am just going to be done.  I am going to walk away from a life that is not for me, and that means leaving all of its trappings and endless lists of unfinished things I should do. 

Because I am going to quit.  And I am going to let myself fully shut that door, and walk away.

Should I Quit Grad School?

"Should I quit grad school?"  I can't count the number of times I have typed that phrase into Google, hoping for an answer that deep down I already knew.  "Quitting grad school," "Should I stay," and "I hate grad school" were searched so many times, that I often found myself reading sites and comment threads only to realize that I was rediscovering them. Years later.  My desire to leave, and my search for justification, validation, and some company in my misery was that bad.

They say insanity is doing the same thing, but expecting a different result.  It does seem a little crazy to be constantly searching and researching the same damn thing, but that is part of the process of leaving.  If you have found this post because you are a frustrated graduate student unhappy in your program, and uncertain in your future, know that you are not alone.  Know also that as you sort through everything you are going through, you are very likely to meet yourself again and again.

And that is ok.  Deciding to leave or to stay is a big thing.  The process takes time.  Be gentle with yourself, and realize that whether you stay or go, there you are.  You deserve to be happy, and you need to do what is best for you, and not anyone else.