I was a teenage mom. By which I do not mean that I was a teenager who got pregnant. No, instead I suddenly became a mom to a teenager: A Sudden Mother. I had agreed to host a foreign exchange student. The only thing that remained was I had to ask my husband. Oops.
He was in Chicago on business when I called him. "Honey," I frantically blurted into the phone, "Can we have one, can we get an exchange student?" There was silence on the other end of the phone. He had grown up with exchange students, and we had discussed it in the abstract. "When would this happen?" He asked. "In three hours" I replied. The company had called me for a reference for my friends who were hosting, and they still had students left. We would be doing them a huge favor since some families had backed out at the last minute. It all happened so fast.
"Wait," my friend said when I told her. "Like they actually gave you a kid? You have him now?"
It did seem ludicrous. My husband and I have no children, and as busy young professionals we did not seem well suited to becoming parents overnight. We were to drive him to and from school, feed him three meals a day, and keep him alive. We didn't even eat three meals a day I reflected when I thought about what we had signed on to. My coworker wondered out loud that this seemed like a good deal. Would I feed her breakfast, too?
That night I was so busy frantically cleaning out our guest room that I didn't have time to go to the store. He arrived to an empty fridge, and we swung by the grocery store and In-N-Out burgers on the way home. I had him pose by the sign and told him about how Americans from out of state come to try their burgers, but really the visit was most meaningful as a signpost around which my life was organized: most nights I did not cook, and my husband and I used our dining table for storage. The flashing sign signified the itinerant and rushed nature of my weeknights. I had just left graduate school for a real job, which in and of itself was a transition, and now I was suddenly responsible for someone else.
The first few days of hosting were an adjustment. I had to wake up an hour earlier to get him to school on time. I found that in making him breakfast, I ate too. Still, the first week was rocky juggling work committments and trying to keep him fed and on time. When I asked what he found most surprising about America, he answered "How frequently you eat out." I felt like a spoiled ridiculous brat and resolved to cook more. The second week I hit my stride: he didn't like to eat until 9:30pm which was closer to when my husband and I got around to dinner anyway, so some of the pressure of rushing home to make food was relieved. I packed lunches at night: one for him, one for me, and one for my husband. I enjoyed my extra time in the morning since once I had rushed to drop him off I had 45 lesiurely minutes to grab coffee or go for a walk before I had to be at work.
Still, having to rush home from work, meal plan, and go to the store and get up so early only to do it again grew tiresome. I had childcare issues some nights in figuring out how he was going to get home when I had to work late. I was psyched when we left for a pre arranged vacation and he went to stay with another family for a few days.
Toward the end of the trip he drove me nuts. I called my mother and vented about how all he did was sit in his room on the Internet, that his teenage boy friends smelled, and he was late when I went to pick him up at the mall. My parents laughed and reminded me what a brat I was at 16. I attended a friend's baby shower and while everyone oogled the tiny clothes I got to play the jaded parent and give knowing nods as the other mothers dispensed advice, and warn her that eventually her little angel would be a tween.
Finally, at the end of the three and a half weeks I got to do what every frustrated parent secretly fantasizes about and get rid of him: we sent him off on a one way flight back to Russia. He was going back to his own parents, who would be get to wake him up in the morning, and rush him out of the house, and be ignored by him as he obsessively used his phone.
I don't really miss him. Instead, I marvel at how free I feel, how much less harried my life is, and wonder what to do with all my time. I sleep in late and still make it to work on time. I go out for a beer with my coworker. I may even have a chance to call my friend and check in on her and her new baby. I'll nod knowingly as she complains about the lack of sleep, the stress of feedings. And I'll hang up and feel relieved that the hard part is over since my kid is actually someone else's kid, grown and off in the world.
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Where to Live After Grad School
Now that I have been out of graduate school and have a "real" job, the question of where to live has become a pressing concern. Since I wasn't living in student housing quitting school didn't involve having to move into a new apartment. However, now that I have had some time to adjust to my new job and just recieved notice of a new rent increase I've started considering whether it's time for a move.
My husband and I have always lived downtown, but lately we have been looking at housing prices and coming to the conclusion that buying just isn't going to happen in our current neighborhood. The question of where we should look instead has been a challenging one. We have only ever lived downtown or walking distance to coffee shops, restaurants, and places of interest. Partly this has been by design: we both hate doing cardio at the gym and like to be able to walk as a form of recreation as well as exercise. He works from home and I worry living in an unwalkable suburb would be unhealthy physically as well as mentally and emotionally.
In looking at alternatives, we have some difficult to reconcile goals in mind:
Ironically, the New Republic may have it right. The problem with downtown these days isn't just that it is expensive, but that the economic exclusion these areas are starting to present to moderate and low income
workers and young families is producing the exact kind of monotony that led most of us to move to these places in the first place. Neighborhoods that are dynamic and interesting are attractive to all incomes, but when an area prices out all but the wealthy it starts to lose the very qualities that made it attractive to begin with. This is the problem communities like Greenwich Village and Santa Monica have faced: a cycle of gentrification that becomes so exclusionary that the only ones who can live there are the wealthy, with the result that downtown risks becoming the monotonous, sterile wastland critics associate wth the traditional American suburb.
This very dynamic is currently playing out in my home town, where fights over affordable housing, inclusionary polices vs. in lieu fees, and high home and rent prices are causing many young families to take stock of whether sticking around makes economic sense. While some leave the city for the promise of the suburb, many more move back. There are no easy answers.
Given the surge in real estate prices recently, and our lack of clarity on what options make the most sense, we are holding off for now. Maybe once we start a family what we want will change. Or perhaps we will make more money and be able to get into the neighborhood we want after all. The fact that home prices are rising with no commeserate rise in wages, and 60% cash buyers indicates we may be in a real estate mania that could deflate come the winter selling season or a continued rise in interest rates.
The best bet seems to be to become awesome at what you do, and try to live as cheaply as possible.
My husband and I have always lived downtown, but lately we have been looking at housing prices and coming to the conclusion that buying just isn't going to happen in our current neighborhood. The question of where we should look instead has been a challenging one. We have only ever lived downtown or walking distance to coffee shops, restaurants, and places of interest. Partly this has been by design: we both hate doing cardio at the gym and like to be able to walk as a form of recreation as well as exercise. He works from home and I worry living in an unwalkable suburb would be unhealthy physically as well as mentally and emotionally.
In looking at alternatives, we have some difficult to reconcile goals in mind:
- Be close to my work both to save gas and money, reduce our carbon footprint, and hedge against increases in gas prices. I agree with Mr. Money Mustache and his analysis on the true cost of commuting in time and cash--it doesn't make financial or lifestyle sense to lock in a long commute.
- Be walking distance or have the ability to recreate and get our exercise in a fun way. This could alternatively include being by the bike path so that we could ride, jog or walk along there. It may also mean being happy with walking to a smaller selection of locations.
- Purchase a public transit accessible home. This is important for me because my job prospects in this region mean I may have to commute to another city for a job at some point in the future. It also helps us narrow in on three neighborhoods in our current city.
- A desire to do something a little different. A cookie cutter suburban tract home seems pretty boring, so rather than look at traditional suburban neighborhoods we have actually been considering moving outside of town so we can live in a more remote, natural setting but with what is still a relatively short commute to work for me. Of course this introduces a challenge since the shortest commutes are on septic systems, while the slightly longer commute has public sewer lines; it necessitates a second car; and heading out of town moves us into an area that is much hotter and may necessitate air conditioning (think $$$). The question is whether the costs of such a move would outweigh the benefits or end up costing the same as buying in the area we currently think we can't afford.
We are by no means alone in grappling with these calculations. The Atlantic recently featured an article on the rediscovery of suburban living, and even the hipsters of Brooklyn and Williamsburg are discovering what the NY Times dubs "hipsburbia" as they are priced out of their desired neighborhoods. The Observer may mock these families for thinking they are pioneers, but to be fair these people are seeking a very different kind of 'burb than their parents: all of these articles portray as suburban the kinds of compact development patterns and walkable neighborhoods most Americans think of as dense neighborhoods.
Ironically, the New Republic may have it right. The problem with downtown these days isn't just that it is expensive, but that the economic exclusion these areas are starting to present to moderate and low income
workers and young families is producing the exact kind of monotony that led most of us to move to these places in the first place. Neighborhoods that are dynamic and interesting are attractive to all incomes, but when an area prices out all but the wealthy it starts to lose the very qualities that made it attractive to begin with. This is the problem communities like Greenwich Village and Santa Monica have faced: a cycle of gentrification that becomes so exclusionary that the only ones who can live there are the wealthy, with the result that downtown risks becoming the monotonous, sterile wastland critics associate wth the traditional American suburb.
This very dynamic is currently playing out in my home town, where fights over affordable housing, inclusionary polices vs. in lieu fees, and high home and rent prices are causing many young families to take stock of whether sticking around makes economic sense. While some leave the city for the promise of the suburb, many more move back. There are no easy answers.
Given the surge in real estate prices recently, and our lack of clarity on what options make the most sense, we are holding off for now. Maybe once we start a family what we want will change. Or perhaps we will make more money and be able to get into the neighborhood we want after all. The fact that home prices are rising with no commeserate rise in wages, and 60% cash buyers indicates we may be in a real estate mania that could deflate come the winter selling season or a continued rise in interest rates.
The best bet seems to be to become awesome at what you do, and try to live as cheaply as possible.
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
Checking in with What You Want
You made it. Life is great: you have friends and a social life, your self-worth is intact, and maybe you even landed that holy grail of a job that both fullfills and adequately compensates you.
Now what?
Life is about more than showing up between the hours of 9 to 5pm, and if you find you have satisfied your minimum requirements of food, shelter, and the basics, you will invariably find yourself asking "What do I really want?" Even if you have the PERFECT job, you will probably still be asking this question eventually because you are not your job. See midlife crisis.
This might be a disconcerting feeling: As a graduate student there were times when all you wanted was a way to pay the rent, be happy, and live where you wanted. Once you checked that off the list the last thing you wanted was more rumination about what came next. But now that you are out, employed, happy--what do you really want? Five years from now, where do you see your life?
I've recently found myself wondering what I actually want in life. Sure, I love my work, and my family life is pretty good right now. Six months ago I would have thought myself ungrateful for starting to think about what comes next, but here I am wondering, "Who I am beyond my job?"
The reality is that as former graduate students we excel at this type of introspective navel gazing. The good news is that we are well equipped once we do figure it out what we want to start pursuing it. Maybe you want to write, or start a graduate student coaching business, or create a comic. Either way, you know how to get started on side projects and make it happen. Afterall, you were a graduate student.
Sunday, February 17, 2013
You Need an Insider: Finding a YOU Champion
No one wants to hear it, but there is a secret to getting a job in today's tough market. I'm talking about a good job, you know, one you would actually want. One that may or may not involve a career transition. You need a YOU champion.
A YOU champion is someone who cares about YOU and wants to see YOU succeed. Someone who works at the company you want to get hired at, or knows the inside scoop of their search. Someone the hiring team knows and trusts to make recommendations. Someone who can give you honest feedback about how to tailor your interview, your resume, and respond mid-search to any doubts or changing directions.
And the real secret is that when you fnd a real YOU champion, it will be because they believe that your success is tied to their success. Think about that for a minute. How does your success become their success? Getting someone to care about you stems from a number of scenerios: It can be because of the mentor mentee relationship you developed; it could be that they want to work with you and see you as an asset or an ally; it could be they want you hired to preserve their contact and relationships with the company they are seeking to place you at; you may have helped them get hired in the past.
That last point is really important. You don't have to be in upper management before you can start helping people find a job. Even the lowliest interns at an organization have more of inside scoop on hiring decisions than the random monster.com or craigslist.or applicant. When you find out about jobs, make a call or send a targeted email to people you think would be good--like really good. Make a call to the person hiring , or pass along an email with a name, contact info and a brief referral to help them with their search. Not only do you help the person you refer, but you may find that the employer comes back to you in the future. I helped a friend find a job when someone recruited me. I passed on my friend's contact info, and told her what to emphasize in the interview and her resume. Then I pitched the employer that she fit the criteria that had been spelled out when they were intervieiwng me. I debriefed with her after the interview, and helped her strategize her thank you letter. She was a great candidate, made me look good, and got the job.
When I applied for my current job, I was same employer came to me directly. However, it was my friend who had gotten hired at the other office who kept me updated about where they were in the process, when I should contact them again, and what startegies would work best. My friend who I had helped less than a year before is directly responsible getting me my offer. Yes, I was a qualified candidate. So were a lot of other people who applied. I had the benefit of several people who had come to see that their success was tied to me: my friend who helped me with my application, and the ultimate hiring team who knew what it was like to work with me due to our board service and volunteer work together. You still need to be the champion of YOU, but you also need to find someone else who can champion, YOU too.
And once you get that job don't think your work is done. I'm currently a YOU champion for another friend who would be a fantastic asset to the company he is waiting to hear from.
A YOU champion is someone who cares about YOU and wants to see YOU succeed. Someone who works at the company you want to get hired at, or knows the inside scoop of their search. Someone the hiring team knows and trusts to make recommendations. Someone who can give you honest feedback about how to tailor your interview, your resume, and respond mid-search to any doubts or changing directions.
And the real secret is that when you fnd a real YOU champion, it will be because they believe that your success is tied to their success. Think about that for a minute. How does your success become their success? Getting someone to care about you stems from a number of scenerios: It can be because of the mentor mentee relationship you developed; it could be that they want to work with you and see you as an asset or an ally; it could be they want you hired to preserve their contact and relationships with the company they are seeking to place you at; you may have helped them get hired in the past.
That last point is really important. You don't have to be in upper management before you can start helping people find a job. Even the lowliest interns at an organization have more of inside scoop on hiring decisions than the random monster.com or craigslist.or applicant. When you find out about jobs, make a call or send a targeted email to people you think would be good--like really good. Make a call to the person hiring , or pass along an email with a name, contact info and a brief referral to help them with their search. Not only do you help the person you refer, but you may find that the employer comes back to you in the future. I helped a friend find a job when someone recruited me. I passed on my friend's contact info, and told her what to emphasize in the interview and her resume. Then I pitched the employer that she fit the criteria that had been spelled out when they were intervieiwng me. I debriefed with her after the interview, and helped her strategize her thank you letter. She was a great candidate, made me look good, and got the job.
When I applied for my current job, I was same employer came to me directly. However, it was my friend who had gotten hired at the other office who kept me updated about where they were in the process, when I should contact them again, and what startegies would work best. My friend who I had helped less than a year before is directly responsible getting me my offer. Yes, I was a qualified candidate. So were a lot of other people who applied. I had the benefit of several people who had come to see that their success was tied to me: my friend who helped me with my application, and the ultimate hiring team who knew what it was like to work with me due to our board service and volunteer work together. You still need to be the champion of YOU, but you also need to find someone else who can champion, YOU too.
And once you get that job don't think your work is done. I'm currently a YOU champion for another friend who would be a fantastic asset to the company he is waiting to hear from.
Your Intellectual Life After Academia
Now that I have been out of school for almost two months, and fully employed for a little over one, I want to address a fear that graduate students contemplating leaving academia likley have: the end of your intellectual life. To paraphrase Mark Twain, rumours of your brain's demise have been greatly exaggerated.
This was not an issue I particulalry struggled with: I was, afterall, in the process of writing a book before I applied to school. Still, the big lie of the life of the mind has a powerful pull, and I realize that others may worry about what happens after Professors and the pressure to publish remove any required reading.
What You Won't Miss
First, I have not read a single article from my discipline since leaving. Not one. However, that does not mean I have not been reading other academic fields. I still have remote access through my university, and there are a few projects that leaving has freed me up to pursue. I'm finally free to pursue lines of research that interested me, but not my department, and for a more general audience where I think my arguments will be more impactful.
Also, leaving Academia has also freed me from conventions I hate: Only capitalizing the first word of titles. ARGH #$^%! I never got used to that, can't stand it, and have now flaunt my Capitalized Titles with Reckless Abandon!
Voracious and Changed Reading Habits
Now that I get to read what I want, when I want, and without the obligation to read hanging over me, I have actually been reading more. My initial reading list can best be characterized as escapist rebellion: as a recovering social scientist I set aside non-fiction for historical novels, which I previously claimed to hate. Most reading focused on political intrigue of 15th and 16th century English court. Why? Perhaps the politics of my department, or the anticiapted political and policy angle of my now current job. Regardless, this constituted a complete 180. Who knows the source of my motivations, but after years of supressing my desires and interests the deal I made with my soul once I quit was that I was going to let myself do pretty much whatever I wanted. As you can see, I also threw some Papal history into the mix:
Mary Queen of Scotts and the Isles
The Other Bolyn Girl
The Borgias
What You Read May Change
Primarily, I have also shifted from the purely academic books to smart, intellectually stimulating novels, short stories, and non-fiction. In the two months since I have left, I have also finished:
Misconceptions: Truth, Lies and the Unexpected on the Journey to Motherhood
Another City: Writing from Los Angeles
City Making: Building Communities without Building Walls
That's between 1000-2000 pages of reading, not including online articles and newspapers, let alone the reading, research, and policy analyis I do for my job.
Don't Put Pressure On Yourself
The biggest advice I have is to relax and let yourself recover. Initially, my lack of writing has been disapointing. However, I also realize that quitting graduate school, finding a new job, and adjusting to life post Ph.D. track is an intense and emotional process. I've just started to think about writing again, but I'm reducing my expectations of myself. It could be six months or a year before I pick up the writing I want to do, and that is ok. Of course, I didn't come to this highly rational and circumspect conclusion alone, which is why I still recommend a good therapist!
This was not an issue I particulalry struggled with: I was, afterall, in the process of writing a book before I applied to school. Still, the big lie of the life of the mind has a powerful pull, and I realize that others may worry about what happens after Professors and the pressure to publish remove any required reading.
What You Won't Miss
First, I have not read a single article from my discipline since leaving. Not one. However, that does not mean I have not been reading other academic fields. I still have remote access through my university, and there are a few projects that leaving has freed me up to pursue. I'm finally free to pursue lines of research that interested me, but not my department, and for a more general audience where I think my arguments will be more impactful.
Also, leaving Academia has also freed me from conventions I hate: Only capitalizing the first word of titles. ARGH #$^%! I never got used to that, can't stand it, and have now flaunt my Capitalized Titles with Reckless Abandon!
Voracious and Changed Reading Habits
Now that I get to read what I want, when I want, and without the obligation to read hanging over me, I have actually been reading more. My initial reading list can best be characterized as escapist rebellion: as a recovering social scientist I set aside non-fiction for historical novels, which I previously claimed to hate. Most reading focused on political intrigue of 15th and 16th century English court. Why? Perhaps the politics of my department, or the anticiapted political and policy angle of my now current job. Regardless, this constituted a complete 180. Who knows the source of my motivations, but after years of supressing my desires and interests the deal I made with my soul once I quit was that I was going to let myself do pretty much whatever I wanted. As you can see, I also threw some Papal history into the mix:
Mary Queen of Scotts and the Isles
The Other Bolyn Girl
The Borgias
What You Read May Change
Primarily, I have also shifted from the purely academic books to smart, intellectually stimulating novels, short stories, and non-fiction. In the two months since I have left, I have also finished:
Misconceptions: Truth, Lies and the Unexpected on the Journey to Motherhood
Another City: Writing from Los Angeles
City Making: Building Communities without Building Walls
That's between 1000-2000 pages of reading, not including online articles and newspapers, let alone the reading, research, and policy analyis I do for my job.
Don't Put Pressure On Yourself
The biggest advice I have is to relax and let yourself recover. Initially, my lack of writing has been disapointing. However, I also realize that quitting graduate school, finding a new job, and adjusting to life post Ph.D. track is an intense and emotional process. I've just started to think about writing again, but I'm reducing my expectations of myself. It could be six months or a year before I pick up the writing I want to do, and that is ok. Of course, I didn't come to this highly rational and circumspect conclusion alone, which is why I still recommend a good therapist!
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Transitioning Out of Grad School: What To Wear
Leaving graduate school involves a lot of change and upheaval. It might mean adopting a new 9-5 schedule, or deciding that Every Word of a Title Should Be Capitalized (thank you very much), or it might entail a new wardrobe. Graduate students enjoy the luxury of being able to wear whatever they want: t-shirts and ripped jeans, skull motifs, or dreadlocks. On the other hand, graduate students are often wearing what they can afford, and putting together a new work wardrobe can be expensive.
So how do you go about building a career wardrobe before your first pay check comes in? Don't go overboard. In a pinch you can get away with rotating clothes and changing out accessories to stretch five tops, one or two pairs of pants, and a skirt for the first two weeks. The key is to not wear the same top and bottom, or layer a cardigan or distinctive necklace to make your outfit look different. Don't believe it can be done? Check out this blog which restyled the same dress 365 different ways for an entire year.
I recommend beginning to acquire pieces as you go. Getting a suit or picking up a few tops for conferences mean you should already have an interviewing outfit. For those of you trying to assemble an entire wardrobe, or curious about what it entails, I've put together some suggestions based on 1) My experience of what I actually use; 2) Some tips for saving money.
What to Buy New:
You need one classic suit. Normally, I would recommend a matching black suit jacket and pants with a skirt. Express, Banana Republic, and Macy's are good places to purchase these. Express and Macy's both have frequent coupons either in the paper or by mail. Expect to pay between $150-$350 if you aren't willing to spend a lot of time and energy trying to save money.
However, if you have at least one good black suit jacket, women can get away with getting a suit set from Ross or Marshals, where you are unlikely to find the perfect basic black suit. I often find Anne Klein, Tahari, or Calvin Klein for $100 or less for a full suit, but often in gray, or a less formal cut than you would want for your most versatile or classic wardrobe. But, if you are pressed for cash it may be cheaper for you to just purchase a nice black jacket you can mix with separates, and the best-looking and best-fitting full suit you can find. Unless you are working in the most corporate of environments, a non-black suit will be just fine. You might even feel overdressed or like catering staff if you wear a black suit jacket and black pants in a less than super formal work environment.
Of course, if you can find a full suit at a thrift store or consignment shop in good condition, congratulations! I've never been able to do it, but pat yourself on the back and please put the money you save toward happy hour.
What to Buy Used:
Once you have a nice suit and/or a versatile black jacket, you can afford to expand your search. I find that the easiest work attire to find at thrift stores and consignment second hand shops are sweaters and tops, and skirts. Work appropriate dresses are generally harder to find, and attractive suits that look like they are made for people under the age of eighty five are generally rare. The exception is uncoordinated jackets. I have picked up tons of blazers in various colors and textures, which work great mixed with the various skirts and tops (leather, corduroy, plaid, blue, etc.).
Skirts and dresses can be dry cleaned, or you can tie them in a pillow case and hope they make it. If your purchases from the thrift store smell, throw a cup of white vinegar into the washing machine and voila! Everything will come out unscented. If you skip this step, it doesn't matter how many loads you run it through, something about the vinegar really removes any scent.
How much should you expect to spend? Well, there are some great places where everything is 99 cents. I don't have those where I live. In my experience, a thrift store dress will run you between $3 to $9, and skirts $3-$6 (at least where I shop). You might decide it is worth the risk to see if it can survive a cold wash hang dry on delicate. Dress shirts are typically $3-$5 a piece, and you can get a sweater or dressy top for between $2-$5. The upper ranges I have listed here are generally for the best quality, brand name items, and I don't often pay that much.
So, to recap: What Do You Need for Your New Wardrobe?
One Suit (Buy New)
One black jacket (Buy New)
Dress Shirts (Buy at Thrift Store, five in assorted colors)
Sweaters (Buy at Thrift Store, five in assorted colors, including black)
Cardigans or button up sweaters (Buy new or used; three in black, a neutral brown, and your favorite color)
Tops (Buy at Thrift Store, non-button up, and not long sleeve sweaters, up to ten, in assorted colors. )
Tips:
If you buy one suit, make it gray or black. Brown and Navy are more distinctive and harder to wear frequently. Striped can work if they are not too distinctive. Once you have the basics, then you can add additional suits.
If you are big busted, traditional button up shirts might not be for you. I can't stand how the buttons create a gap and won't lie flat, so I finally abandoned shirts for sweaters and dressy tops. I've never looked back. Of course, you can also wear some button up shirts open over a tank top.
Add a cup of white vinegar to the washing machine to remove any scent that lingers.
Some thrift stores also have necklaces and bracelets. You can also check Target, and Forever 21. I look for colored pieces to mix and match with different outfits. I have a mix of green, yellow, turquoise, and coral that match at least three of my tops.
Anthropologie often marks its belts down significantly on sale. I have picked up some really nice, distinctive belts for as cheap as $10. Remember, you can wear a belt under an open cardigan, or over the cardigan to create a more polished look.
My favorite resource for shoes is Nordstrom's rack (boots and colored dress shoes). For a classic pair of heels that aren't so high they kill your feet and you can walk in, you can't beat Nine West.
Try shopping in some regular stores to learn which brands fit you. Then you can go out and look for those labels or wait for a sale. If you have a hard time finding things that fit you, thrift store shopping can be educational because you get to try so many brands.
I haven't discussed quality and how to identify fabrics at all. Luckily, frugal scholar does that. Ultimately, this is the most important part of successful second-hand shopping.
If you are really tiny, try J Crew, Banana Republic, Forever 21, BCBG, Express, and Theory ($$$).
Do a clothing exchange with friends.
Shop your closet. You may have more work appropriate clothes than you realize, and pulling everything out to inventory it first can save you money.
So how do you go about building a career wardrobe before your first pay check comes in? Don't go overboard. In a pinch you can get away with rotating clothes and changing out accessories to stretch five tops, one or two pairs of pants, and a skirt for the first two weeks. The key is to not wear the same top and bottom, or layer a cardigan or distinctive necklace to make your outfit look different. Don't believe it can be done? Check out this blog which restyled the same dress 365 different ways for an entire year.
I recommend beginning to acquire pieces as you go. Getting a suit or picking up a few tops for conferences mean you should already have an interviewing outfit. For those of you trying to assemble an entire wardrobe, or curious about what it entails, I've put together some suggestions based on 1) My experience of what I actually use; 2) Some tips for saving money.
What to Buy New:
You need one classic suit. Normally, I would recommend a matching black suit jacket and pants with a skirt. Express, Banana Republic, and Macy's are good places to purchase these. Express and Macy's both have frequent coupons either in the paper or by mail. Expect to pay between $150-$350 if you aren't willing to spend a lot of time and energy trying to save money.
However, if you have at least one good black suit jacket, women can get away with getting a suit set from Ross or Marshals, where you are unlikely to find the perfect basic black suit. I often find Anne Klein, Tahari, or Calvin Klein for $100 or less for a full suit, but often in gray, or a less formal cut than you would want for your most versatile or classic wardrobe. But, if you are pressed for cash it may be cheaper for you to just purchase a nice black jacket you can mix with separates, and the best-looking and best-fitting full suit you can find. Unless you are working in the most corporate of environments, a non-black suit will be just fine. You might even feel overdressed or like catering staff if you wear a black suit jacket and black pants in a less than super formal work environment.
Of course, if you can find a full suit at a thrift store or consignment shop in good condition, congratulations! I've never been able to do it, but pat yourself on the back and please put the money you save toward happy hour.
What to Buy Used:
Once you have a nice suit and/or a versatile black jacket, you can afford to expand your search. I find that the easiest work attire to find at thrift stores and consignment second hand shops are sweaters and tops, and skirts. Work appropriate dresses are generally harder to find, and attractive suits that look like they are made for people under the age of eighty five are generally rare. The exception is uncoordinated jackets. I have picked up tons of blazers in various colors and textures, which work great mixed with the various skirts and tops (leather, corduroy, plaid, blue, etc.).
Skirts and dresses can be dry cleaned, or you can tie them in a pillow case and hope they make it. If your purchases from the thrift store smell, throw a cup of white vinegar into the washing machine and voila! Everything will come out unscented. If you skip this step, it doesn't matter how many loads you run it through, something about the vinegar really removes any scent.
How much should you expect to spend? Well, there are some great places where everything is 99 cents. I don't have those where I live. In my experience, a thrift store dress will run you between $3 to $9, and skirts $3-$6 (at least where I shop). You might decide it is worth the risk to see if it can survive a cold wash hang dry on delicate. Dress shirts are typically $3-$5 a piece, and you can get a sweater or dressy top for between $2-$5. The upper ranges I have listed here are generally for the best quality, brand name items, and I don't often pay that much.
So, to recap: What Do You Need for Your New Wardrobe?
One Suit (Buy New)
One black jacket (Buy New)
Dress Shirts (Buy at Thrift Store, five in assorted colors)
Sweaters (Buy at Thrift Store, five in assorted colors, including black)
Cardigans or button up sweaters (Buy new or used; three in black, a neutral brown, and your favorite color)
Tops (Buy at Thrift Store, non-button up, and not long sleeve sweaters, up to ten, in assorted colors. )
Tips:
If you buy one suit, make it gray or black. Brown and Navy are more distinctive and harder to wear frequently. Striped can work if they are not too distinctive. Once you have the basics, then you can add additional suits.
If you are big busted, traditional button up shirts might not be for you. I can't stand how the buttons create a gap and won't lie flat, so I finally abandoned shirts for sweaters and dressy tops. I've never looked back. Of course, you can also wear some button up shirts open over a tank top.
Add a cup of white vinegar to the washing machine to remove any scent that lingers.
Some thrift stores also have necklaces and bracelets. You can also check Target, and Forever 21. I look for colored pieces to mix and match with different outfits. I have a mix of green, yellow, turquoise, and coral that match at least three of my tops.
Anthropologie often marks its belts down significantly on sale. I have picked up some really nice, distinctive belts for as cheap as $10. Remember, you can wear a belt under an open cardigan, or over the cardigan to create a more polished look.
My favorite resource for shoes is Nordstrom's rack (boots and colored dress shoes). For a classic pair of heels that aren't so high they kill your feet and you can walk in, you can't beat Nine West.
Try shopping in some regular stores to learn which brands fit you. Then you can go out and look for those labels or wait for a sale. If you have a hard time finding things that fit you, thrift store shopping can be educational because you get to try so many brands.
I haven't discussed quality and how to identify fabrics at all. Luckily, frugal scholar does that. Ultimately, this is the most important part of successful second-hand shopping.
If you are really tiny, try J Crew, Banana Republic, Forever 21, BCBG, Express, and Theory ($$$).
Do a clothing exchange with friends.
Shop your closet. You may have more work appropriate clothes than you realize, and pulling everything out to inventory it first can save you money.
Thursday, December 27, 2012
You Will Do Impulsive Things--and that is OK!
When I reflect on the last month of deciding to leave graduate school, I realize I did some impulsive things. I recognized it at the time. In fact, I encouraged myself. I had stayed in part out of a sense of inertia, so it seemed logical that if I was going to leave, I needed to shake up my life and do things differently.
Sometimes this has meant staying up late to watch a movie with my husband. I also signed up on impulse for a five day online writing course that starts tonight, which while it cost some money got me excited. This weekend, it involved putting off the grading of over 50 papers until Sunday night. Being impulsive has even been as simple as blogging (like right now) when I should be writing a paper that is past its due date. And recently, it has involved buying a sex toy.
See, I had a dream a few weeks ago in which a good friend casually gave me a carefully wrapped present that she told me "was just what you need:" inside was a collection of sex toys. It wasn't a sexual dream so much as a sort of to do list. When I woke up, I puzzled over the symbolic meaning, then told my essential self, "Ok, I hear you." I needed to get out of my comfort zone and do something different. I needed to let loose, and not be so uptight. And apparently my brain was worried I wouldn't get an abstract message, so it needed to hit me over the head in a literal way. I decided that if I did what my dreams told me to do, I might have more dreams with equally practical instructions, on hopefully more helpful things like getting a job, or figuring out what I wanted out of life. It seemed like a win win situation.
So I marched down to town and into my local lingerie shop. I told her I needed a stocking stuffer, and examined the mini toys at the front check out. When I didn't see anything I wanted I went up stairs. The lady who worked there, all prim and proper, realized “Oh, you meant a naughty stocking stuffer.” Yes I did, I replied. “Let me know if you want any advice,” she offered. There were rows of huge vibrators and anal beads, and things I couldn't even figure out where they went, but I decided I would not be that bold. I tried to see if I recognized any of them from my dream, and read the backs of the packages. Phaltate free! They exclaimed. I grabbed two contenders and marched back downstairs. “Which one do you recommend?” I asked, “Well, that one has five settings, and that one is just the one.” Great, ever practical I took the value pack.
Sometimes this has meant staying up late to watch a movie with my husband. I also signed up on impulse for a five day online writing course that starts tonight, which while it cost some money got me excited. This weekend, it involved putting off the grading of over 50 papers until Sunday night. Being impulsive has even been as simple as blogging (like right now) when I should be writing a paper that is past its due date. And recently, it has involved buying a sex toy.
See, I had a dream a few weeks ago in which a good friend casually gave me a carefully wrapped present that she told me "was just what you need:" inside was a collection of sex toys. It wasn't a sexual dream so much as a sort of to do list. When I woke up, I puzzled over the symbolic meaning, then told my essential self, "Ok, I hear you." I needed to get out of my comfort zone and do something different. I needed to let loose, and not be so uptight. And apparently my brain was worried I wouldn't get an abstract message, so it needed to hit me over the head in a literal way. I decided that if I did what my dreams told me to do, I might have more dreams with equally practical instructions, on hopefully more helpful things like getting a job, or figuring out what I wanted out of life. It seemed like a win win situation.
So I marched down to town and into my local lingerie shop. I told her I needed a stocking stuffer, and examined the mini toys at the front check out. When I didn't see anything I wanted I went up stairs. The lady who worked there, all prim and proper, realized “Oh, you meant a naughty stocking stuffer.” Yes I did, I replied. “Let me know if you want any advice,” she offered. There were rows of huge vibrators and anal beads, and things I couldn't even figure out where they went, but I decided I would not be that bold. I tried to see if I recognized any of them from my dream, and read the backs of the packages. Phaltate free! They exclaimed. I grabbed two contenders and marched back downstairs. “Which one do you recommend?” I asked, “Well, that one has five settings, and that one is just the one.” Great, ever practical I took the value pack.
While this may seem weird, there's no one path to leaving graduate school. If it's by way of the sex shop, so be it.
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Giving Notice: How to Gracefully Exit Graduate School
So I haven't been blogging lately, in part due to the whirlwind of activity that has defined my life in the past few weeks. First, I should announce that I officially gave notice just over a week ago. Second, I should emphasize that I did so without having a job lined up. Third, I should mention that I have never felt happier, more free, or like life has more potential. Ultimately, I decided that my desire to leave was strong enough that not having a secure offer was ok, but it tool a lot of work to get to that point.
How does one exactly give notice? I had four nominal bosses in my program: the department chair, with whom I worked closely on research; my adviser, with whom I am very close; my TA supervisor, who assigned us to courses and needed to be informed ASAP regarding my decision; and the department personal/secretary who seemed to have her hand in everything administrative. Who I even needed to tell, let alone in what order they should be informed, presented quite the roadblock.
Ultimately, email seemed to make the most sense for me since my biggest fear was being talked out of leaving. This allowed me to carefully consider my reasons, and make sure I communicated them in a straight forward way that left little room for doubt. I wrote a draft, then had a fellow grad who has contemplated leaving many times, but was emotionally removed from the process, edit my emails. I also paid a visit to everyone I emailed, or talked with them by phone. This allowed them to ask questions, but having already framed my leaving in the email, these conversations went much more smoothly.
Mainly I focused on the fact that my leaving had everything to do with my realization that my ideal job involved both a different path and different set of tasks than the Ph.D. provided. While I valued my experiences and training, I realized I no longer wanted to do research. This made my leaving a lot easier for the faculty to process. Many of the people who questioned my leaving were not trying to undermine my decision, they simply wanted to make sure I had thought everything through. Many felt shocked and surprised by my decision, and felt obligated to ask about how I arrived at my choice. Several alluded to the fact that I was a successful graduate student, and seemed genuinely perplexed that someone who was not having problems would chose to leave.
If you decide to quit don't be shocked or upset if people ask why.
Understand that questioning does not mean that you are being judged for your decision. This was my greatest fear in leaving. Meeting with my therapist the Friday before to discuss my leaving, my worst case scenario included being scolded, yelled at, and shut out. Instead, I could not have scripted a better exit: my faculty were sad, but supportive, and even helped me look into how to structure my leave so that if I decide to return I can. They told me they respected my decision (several even called it brave and courageous) and said that they would welcome me back with open arms if I decided to finish. The encouraged me to look into various options, and supported my leaving in a way that provided me the most flexibility. I will be working with several of them to finish publications over the next few months, and they have emphasized that I can continue to use my institutional affiliation for those publications. I was even asked how they can support me in leaving (extended library privileges, Please!).
Part of my luck is a direct result of the fact that as a graduate student I went out of my way to talk to faculty, whether they were in my relevant area or not. I said hi in the hallway, volunteered for department service, and generally tried to engage with everyone, including admins. Life is about relationships, and now that I am leaving I have a lot of people who are wishing me well. Even when our graduate student life is unfulfilling and angst inducing, the opportunities we have to engage with others can also provide a ladder out, either through references or leads on other jobs. It feels nice to leave on my own terms, and with the support of even those who while sad about my decision, want the best for me. Even though I'm not finishing in the way that was expected, I still want to exit successfully: with grace, good will, and optimism. If you're reading this because you are thinking of leaving, good luck! If you are still questioning whether to stay, I want you to know there is light on the other end.
Read Giving Notice: How to Gracefully Exit Graduate School Part II
How does one exactly give notice? I had four nominal bosses in my program: the department chair, with whom I worked closely on research; my adviser, with whom I am very close; my TA supervisor, who assigned us to courses and needed to be informed ASAP regarding my decision; and the department personal/secretary who seemed to have her hand in everything administrative. Who I even needed to tell, let alone in what order they should be informed, presented quite the roadblock.
Ultimately, email seemed to make the most sense for me since my biggest fear was being talked out of leaving. This allowed me to carefully consider my reasons, and make sure I communicated them in a straight forward way that left little room for doubt. I wrote a draft, then had a fellow grad who has contemplated leaving many times, but was emotionally removed from the process, edit my emails. I also paid a visit to everyone I emailed, or talked with them by phone. This allowed them to ask questions, but having already framed my leaving in the email, these conversations went much more smoothly.
Mainly I focused on the fact that my leaving had everything to do with my realization that my ideal job involved both a different path and different set of tasks than the Ph.D. provided. While I valued my experiences and training, I realized I no longer wanted to do research. This made my leaving a lot easier for the faculty to process. Many of the people who questioned my leaving were not trying to undermine my decision, they simply wanted to make sure I had thought everything through. Many felt shocked and surprised by my decision, and felt obligated to ask about how I arrived at my choice. Several alluded to the fact that I was a successful graduate student, and seemed genuinely perplexed that someone who was not having problems would chose to leave.
If you decide to quit don't be shocked or upset if people ask why.
Understand that questioning does not mean that you are being judged for your decision. This was my greatest fear in leaving. Meeting with my therapist the Friday before to discuss my leaving, my worst case scenario included being scolded, yelled at, and shut out. Instead, I could not have scripted a better exit: my faculty were sad, but supportive, and even helped me look into how to structure my leave so that if I decide to return I can. They told me they respected my decision (several even called it brave and courageous) and said that they would welcome me back with open arms if I decided to finish. The encouraged me to look into various options, and supported my leaving in a way that provided me the most flexibility. I will be working with several of them to finish publications over the next few months, and they have emphasized that I can continue to use my institutional affiliation for those publications. I was even asked how they can support me in leaving (extended library privileges, Please!).
Part of my luck is a direct result of the fact that as a graduate student I went out of my way to talk to faculty, whether they were in my relevant area or not. I said hi in the hallway, volunteered for department service, and generally tried to engage with everyone, including admins. Life is about relationships, and now that I am leaving I have a lot of people who are wishing me well. Even when our graduate student life is unfulfilling and angst inducing, the opportunities we have to engage with others can also provide a ladder out, either through references or leads on other jobs. It feels nice to leave on my own terms, and with the support of even those who while sad about my decision, want the best for me. Even though I'm not finishing in the way that was expected, I still want to exit successfully: with grace, good will, and optimism. If you're reading this because you are thinking of leaving, good luck! If you are still questioning whether to stay, I want you to know there is light on the other end.
Read Giving Notice: How to Gracefully Exit Graduate School Part II
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Quitting is a Pain in the Neck
Ever since I resolved to quit school in early November, I have felt an unbearable tension in my neck. At first, I thought I must have slept on it funny. Actually, if I am being honest, I think I leaned on it weird at the bar during a night of debauchery with another bitter graduate student friend. While letting off some steam should have left me feeling great, the next morning my neck was killing me. I have been in pain all month.
Normally, I would have treated this as a physical problem, but I have experienced this before. You see, when I get really stressed, my body rebels. My back goes out, or I end up on crutches (really), or some other gnarly incapacity which invariably prompts everyone to ask "What HAPPENED?" To which I invariably have no answer except "Nothing, I woke up this way and think my body is just freaking out." It's a seriously disappointing answer when you essentially cannot walk and people have images of grand car accidents or a gnarly cliff diving incident.
So I knew that the neck thing was likely stress. I tried to get my neck to cooperate. I meditated, I started journaling again, I got into lucid dreaming. I tried stress reduction and listened to my body. None of it worked. I decided it was sitting hunched over my laptop, which I just can't avoid. Finally, I called and made an appointment for my therapist.
I can't underscore the importance of a good therapist if you are considering quitting graduate school. While friends and family are a great source of support, you need a safe impartial place to talk through the fears, desires, and issues you may be hiding from even yourself. I scheduled my appointment for directly after a department lecture, perhaps presciently. After a particularly brutal and appalling session (attack of the academics!), I rushed out early to make my appointment. Most of the session was spent in tears. The word "comprehensive exams" served as a trigger. We couldn't even discuss my impending exams without my tearing up into a hysterical mess. Everytime I thought about staying, I started bawling. After mapping out various employment scenerios my therapist finally asked why I needed a job to quit. She looked genuinely appalled by the situation I was in. I was doing catastrophe thinking, she said, and recognizing this would make things better.
She was right. We talked honestly about my fears, the sources of those fears, and I heard myself saying things I didn't ever normally let myself think: like how I wanted to quit and walk away even without employment, and what I felt was holding me back. For whatever reason I had decided that I needed my paltry, poverty level stipend, when the reality is that even working at Starbucks would pay better (and provide health insurance!). Deep down, I felt it was only ok to leave for something better.
By the end of the session, I was a hot sniveling mess, but I felt free. It was only driving home that I noticed I didn't have anymore neck pain. And it hasn't returned.
There is no right or wrong way to leave. There isn't even a right or wrong way for you to leave. Be open to possibilities, but know that all doors are open. If you are struggling and having a hard time, you may be closing doors on yourself. Which is why it is such a good thing to have an outside person who can help you decipher the crazy mixed up feelings and legitimate fear leaving entails.
Normally, I would have treated this as a physical problem, but I have experienced this before. You see, when I get really stressed, my body rebels. My back goes out, or I end up on crutches (really), or some other gnarly incapacity which invariably prompts everyone to ask "What HAPPENED?" To which I invariably have no answer except "Nothing, I woke up this way and think my body is just freaking out." It's a seriously disappointing answer when you essentially cannot walk and people have images of grand car accidents or a gnarly cliff diving incident.
So I knew that the neck thing was likely stress. I tried to get my neck to cooperate. I meditated, I started journaling again, I got into lucid dreaming. I tried stress reduction and listened to my body. None of it worked. I decided it was sitting hunched over my laptop, which I just can't avoid. Finally, I called and made an appointment for my therapist.
I can't underscore the importance of a good therapist if you are considering quitting graduate school. While friends and family are a great source of support, you need a safe impartial place to talk through the fears, desires, and issues you may be hiding from even yourself. I scheduled my appointment for directly after a department lecture, perhaps presciently. After a particularly brutal and appalling session (attack of the academics!), I rushed out early to make my appointment. Most of the session was spent in tears. The word "comprehensive exams" served as a trigger. We couldn't even discuss my impending exams without my tearing up into a hysterical mess. Everytime I thought about staying, I started bawling. After mapping out various employment scenerios my therapist finally asked why I needed a job to quit. She looked genuinely appalled by the situation I was in. I was doing catastrophe thinking, she said, and recognizing this would make things better.
She was right. We talked honestly about my fears, the sources of those fears, and I heard myself saying things I didn't ever normally let myself think: like how I wanted to quit and walk away even without employment, and what I felt was holding me back. For whatever reason I had decided that I needed my paltry, poverty level stipend, when the reality is that even working at Starbucks would pay better (and provide health insurance!). Deep down, I felt it was only ok to leave for something better.
By the end of the session, I was a hot sniveling mess, but I felt free. It was only driving home that I noticed I didn't have anymore neck pain. And it hasn't returned.
There is no right or wrong way to leave. There isn't even a right or wrong way for you to leave. Be open to possibilities, but know that all doors are open. If you are struggling and having a hard time, you may be closing doors on yourself. Which is why it is such a good thing to have an outside person who can help you decipher the crazy mixed up feelings and legitimate fear leaving entails.
Repeating College When you Didn't Flunk
I am now three and a half years into graduate school. For someone who graduated with a double major with honors while studying abroad (twice), I suddenly realize that I have now essentially doubled my college education.
Let me repeat that: I have now spent almost as much time in graduate school as I did in undergrad.
Put another way, I have essentially doubled the amount of time spent in college. Compared to my friends who went straight into the workforce, it is like I went to college twice. And I didn't even flunk! In fact, I excelled in college.
While I realize that graduate school is completely different experience, and is not in fact like repeating the B.A. experience since you go so in depth in your subject area, and spend time TAing, researching, and really taking your research to the next level, from a raw time perspective it might be a worthwhile way of getting some perspective on the madhouse that is higher ed.
I know that when I think about staying (only!) two more years to finish, thinking about the fact that I have already spent as much time in grad school as I did in undergrad *which felt like a significant and formative chunk of time, I suddenly become much more protective of letting the system mold me any longer. I've given the University enough of my life.
Let me repeat that: I have now spent almost as much time in graduate school as I did in undergrad.
Put another way, I have essentially doubled the amount of time spent in college. Compared to my friends who went straight into the workforce, it is like I went to college twice. And I didn't even flunk! In fact, I excelled in college.
While I realize that graduate school is completely different experience, and is not in fact like repeating the B.A. experience since you go so in depth in your subject area, and spend time TAing, researching, and really taking your research to the next level, from a raw time perspective it might be a worthwhile way of getting some perspective on the madhouse that is higher ed.
I know that when I think about staying (only!) two more years to finish, thinking about the fact that I have already spent as much time in grad school as I did in undergrad *which felt like a significant and formative chunk of time, I suddenly become much more protective of letting the system mold me any longer. I've given the University enough of my life.
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