Creative Destruction

"You cannot create a new life without destroying the one you've got." -Martha Beck

Quitting graduate school is a tough decision.  I know of no one who quit who didn't agonize over the decision and whether it was right for them.  But when you are finally ready to make the decision of whether to stay or quit, it is easy to delude ourselves into thinking it really isn't a decision at all.

Change is hard.  But even harder is saying good bye and firmly closing the door behind us.  Once I made my decision I remember the ease with which I was able to tender my resignation, quit the program and head off into the outside world.  It was an intense, surreal two week period that after the months of anxiety ruminating over whether I should stay or go felt like flying.

Yet even as I left I chose not to file the final forms to quit. I left the door open, which provides a very smart safety net, but also can keep you from moving forward.  I realized a few days ago that I have now been out of graduate school as long as I was in it.  Three and a half years is a lot of time in your late twenties/early thirties, and I have to say that I have not regretted leaving even once. 

Still Standing By the 85% Rule

If you are finding this blog late at night, I know exactly what advice you need--the 85% Rule. Stop fretting, worrying, googling the same keywords so many times you realize you have read everything on the Internet ever written about your problem.  

Most of all, stop worrying about making decisions with 100% certainty!

Step One

Quiet your mind.  Meditate, take a break.  Read Zen Habits. 

Step Two

When you feel 85% confident about your decision, act on it.

Life is not about certainty. If you wait until you are ready, you will be dead. It will never happen.  So stop letting the perfect be the enemy of the good, and let the good be good enough.

Step Three

Let the synchronicity begin...

Can't Figure Out Your Future? Maybe You Don't Want a Job or a Career

When I quit grad school back in 2012 I did a lot of soul searching regarding what kind of job and career I wanted for myself. There was a significant amount of time spent taking aptitude tests and finding careers that would be the right fit. I left for a policy job that involved a significant community outreach component. It was great for me on so many levels because I got to use what I learned in grad school, but I also felt like I was out in the world making a difference.  Only I was massively overqualified and after a year and a half I was recruited to another job that is for all intents and purposes a massive step up: better pay and benefits, better hours, no weekends, better title, much more responsibility, and a great learning opportunity and resume booster. This new job catches me up career wise for all the years I missed out on when I was in graduate school and not working.  This new job is hands down leaps and bounds better. Like a gift that fell in my lap.

And yet, after eight months I am bored.  Bored, lonely, and depressed about the fact that I am stuck at a desk all day, grinding out reports and budgets and projects. I feel like I am not able to be myself, and that I have lost track of what I want out of life.  I feel like I do not fit in, and that I don't really want to.  I recognized these feelings.

I started looking at job postings, and surfing listings, and I went back to my therapist who I hadn't seen since I quit graduate school.  Every session we would talk through job possibilities and what my ideal career looked like. Nothing felt right. Suddenly, one day she looked at me: "You have spent the last few years intensely focused on your career: do you still want that to be your main focus?"

She was right. I realize I don't actually want a new job, or a career right now. I've been so focused on leaving grad school and getting a J-O-B and getting my career back on track, when really what I want to focus on now is being happy and getting a L-I-F-E.  

Grad school and work can feel so all consuming. But life isn't only about grad school and work.  Life is about family, and friends, and having experiences and making sure that you are doing what makes you you.  Life is short and when you look back on it from your death bed what you did for a job is going to matter less than if you feel what you did mattered, and that you lived the life you wanted.

So I know that right now my solution isn't simply to find a better job: instead I need to find a better life. Maybe that is with this job, maybe it is in another.  Regardless, what job I have is secondary to what life I want to live.

If you find yourself struggling to figure something out, maybe you need to pause and ask yourself if the question you are asking is even one to which you need an answer.  Maybe you need tostop, and ask a different question.

What I Really Learned in Graduate School (Even Though I Quit)

When I was a graduate student I was convinced that I was learning absolutely nothing. The biggest reason I quit was my concern over the opportunity costs of staying since I didn't feel my program offered me any relevant real world skills.  Being able to read a methods section, debate the epistemological underpinnings of the social sciences, and embrace a construct and theory did not seem like particularly relevant life skills.

Yet as I entered my first job after quitting graduate school I was amazed at not only how much I had learned, but what I had learned. The most valuable lessons are not the take-aways that I or even my advisor and committee members envisioned.

1) Teaching is management experience. If you have run research team or TAed you know how to explain assignments, break them down into manageable pieces that are appropriate for the skill levels of your staff, and hold people accountable. As a manager, you are uniquely suited to developing your team's writing skills, giving constructive feedback, and providing training and development. You can also schedule out projects and calendar them, and work backward to determine due dates and start dates.  Handling sensitive information, and identifying the kinds of problems HR wants managers to be aware of (sexual harassment, conflict of interest, etc.) is second nature.

2) Public speaking.  You can present concepts and explain them, provide context and point out limitations and nuances.  All that teaching has totally prepared you for anything, including filling time in front of an audience.  You can answer questions and think on your feet.

2) Mad (and super fast writing skills).  Research and churn out thorough, concise memos faster than any of your coworkers.  Just don't work too fast or they will dump a lot more work on you ;)

3) A high tolerance for stress.  Seriously, you have juggled teaching, research, publications, grading and coursework, all while trying to make it on 16-20k a year.

4) An even higher tolerance for crazy.  No one does neurotic like academia, but be warned that the workforce is full of crazy people.

5) No concept of what it means to have a weekend or weeknight free. Working long hours isn't unusual, so you will have the stamina and pride of work to put in the extra effort when you need to, and with most jobs the new found freedom of not taking work home all the time is awesome. Even jobs with long hours will seem great by comparison to your old life.

6) A low paying job probably doesn't pay as badly as being a graduate student. Seriously, employment law makes it very hard for you to find something lower paying than being a graduate student.

Of course, some of your skills may hold the potential to cause problems.

7) The ability to critique and destroy just about everything can really piss of your coworkers.  Academia trains us to debate and spar verbally in a way that may be extremely inappropriate depending on your work place, so be careful with this one.

8) Theory and past experience in initiating, planning, and scheduling projects can help you predict when something your organization is doing is going to go terribly wrong.  You can warn them, but your coworkers likely won't listen.  They really don't care about or understand the role of vigilance in decision making, the risks of group think, or how bona fide groups may suggest their initiative is going to fail spectacularly.

9) Face time and Freedom. You are going to hate not being able to set your own schedule, and decide which ideas and projects you want to pursue. Being indoors all day also makes you really miss the sun.

For me the hardest part of leaving graduate school was trying to silence my inner know-it-all, and adjusting to an environment in which not everyone was aggressively analyzing everything all the time. My managers in my first job had a hard time managing me because they didn't have much feedback to give me.  They had never manager or taught, and they were frankly in over their head, Being in the workplace after graduate school sometimes felt like my undergraduates were running the joint, but with no one around to point out what they were doing wrong.

Look for strong, experienced managers and mentors who you can learn from.  I lucked out in my current job--I'm actually working for another former graduate student who quit just like I did many years ago.

Advice for Foreign Graduate Students Considering Quitting

This blog gets viewers from a number of countries, including Switzerland, Australia, Poland, Germany, Canada, and India.  Being a foreign graduate student adds an additional layer of angst when it comes to deciding whether you want to stay or quit your program.  Cultural differences, language barriers, homesickness, and financial considerations can all make an already difficult decision even more challenging.

While I have never been a graduate student in a foreign country, as an undergraduate I spent a year studying in Goettingen Germany at George-August Universitat (Politikwissenschaft).  I also studied abroad in Paris for a summer, and Italy for three months after I graduated (I guess this makes me a fairly atypical American).  The graduate student and undergraduate experience are not the same, but having been a foreign exchange student and having quit graduate school I can anticipate some additional issues that foreign graduate students may want to think about, and I offer this advice in case it is useful.  If it isn't useful, I would love to hear from you in the comments section (which I now actually check).

Some of this advice may also be useful for graduate students who are in programs out of state, away from family, or even find themselves in a different department then where they did their undergraduate work.

1) Getting clarity on whether you are actually unhappy.  If you are living in a foreign-to-you culture (let's get real, this is probably all graduate programs anyway) you need to discern whether you are having a bad time adjusting, or if you are really truly unhappy. For some people this will be obvious--so obvious in fact they don't need to read this blog.  For the rest of us, we feel conflicted because on any given day we may have a tough time sorting out whether we are unhappy because we truly don't like our program and graduate school is not a good fit, or if we are simply in the painful process of stretching and learning to do something new.

This is where the two week rule comes in.  This advice came to me by way of the two hour (that was it!) training that my university did for foreign exchange students, and was probably not standard so much as the advice of an eager to help and super awesome speaker. I wish I knew her name, but I don't, so good Internet vibes where ever you are for giving me one of the most useful tools ever.

Over a two week period, mark how many days you are unhappy. Put a big X on the calendar and record that day as having sucked.  When I told my grad school friends I was doing this they freaked because they assumed every day would suck.  In reality, I was surprised to see that it wasn't every day that was horrible.  At the end of the two weeks evaluate whether you are truly still unhappy, or if you are just fixating on a few bad days.

2) Connect with resources to help you get past any cultural challenges. Most universities in the US  now have fantastic programs for students on study skills, stress management, and counseling. Use these resources. They can be particularly useful for overcoming language barriers, navigating the stress of school, and figuring out what you want.  One limitation is that most of the programs are aimed at undergraduates, but I took full advantage of these and they were extremely useful.  Of course at a certain point if everything you are doing requires a coping mechanism, you may be doing something that you really shouldn't be.

3) Understand the limitations of the US system.  The US University Industrial Complex System is one of the best in the world.  However, like any systems there are certain things it is good out, and some things it is terrible for.   As a student of both the American and European University System there are a few things that you really need to understand and accept about graduate work in the US:

• Heavy focus on grades and evaluation, with frequent assignments and deadlines. This can be extremely stressful, as well as limiting as you often don't feel you have the time to explore ideas. 
• Big emphasis on attendance and participation. 
• Extremely competitive nature of the American system. Some programs the students are incredibly competitive with each other and not helpful toward other students.  
• Obsession (at least in my department) with normative progress and how quickly you are going through the program. This is likely due in part to the high cost of tuition. 
• Expense.  My goodness it is expensive to go to college in the US, and there are not a lot of aid opportunities for foreign students. You are usually looked at by a University as a source of $$$$ in the form of out of state tuition. 

Deciding whether to stay in your program or leave is a big decision made even bigger by the distance you may have traveled to get there. Just know that even if you leave without your degree doesn't mean you haven't gained valuable experience and understanding that you would never have had without your time spent as a graduate student. 

Hiding Your Emotions at Work

I'm not a big fan of hiding or suppressing your emotions, because I think emotions serve as important guides, and they are just going to eventually leak out anyway.  But sometimes when we are going through the difficult process of figuring out what we want we stir up a lot of feelings and emotions that don't come out at the most opportune of times.

About six months before I quit my grad program I ran into one of my committee members at a coffee shop.  All he said was "hi, how are you doing?"  It was just a toss off social pleasantry, but I became an unhinged sniveling ugly cry mess. Granted, I had a friend dying of cancer at the time, but I was also doing a lot of soul searching about whether I should stay. The mere suggestion that I check in with how I was doing emotionally was enough to unleash everything I had been holding back. I apologized, but couldn't stop weeping and ended up walking off crying.   It totally freaked him out, and I was slightly mortified, but by the end of my program I had cried in front of just about every Professor I had. That should probably have been a sign, because I am normally not a super easy to cry person.  Eventually we laughed about it the next fall when I finally quit, but I try to pay attention to emotional outbursts because they tend to indicate something is not working for me.  

So what to do?  Sometimes you just have to let it run its course. It's not the end of the world if your advisor or a fellow grad sees you crying, because it let's them know there is an issue. Plus, I guarantee they've seen worse (we do teach undergrads after all). Even if it is socially uncomfortable you have a right to excuse yourself and leave to find a safe space. You can minimize the after affects of your crying jag by remembering to breathe, dabbing (not rubbing your face with cold water), and for flair you can always fake a sneeze as you reenter a room to hide your red eyes.

If you are really a hot mess you might want to review these more extended tips, which include faking reading a magazine (though I tried this and tears and snot are pretty hard to control when you are looking down), or pretending to nap if you are on the bus (this happened to me).  I ended many a session in the bathroom where I splashed some cold water on my face, reapplied some make up, and slipped on my sunglasses.

Whatever you do, don't beat yourself up.  Promise yourself you'll let it all out when you get home, and recognize that you may need to spend some extra time paying attention to your feelings.

Quiting is Underappreciated

Ever stop to notice how little emphasis we as a society place on quitting?  Quitting is something that just happens, a black box, with very little attention paid to how to quit properly.  Historically, we look down on quitting.  What's the saying?  Winners never quit and quitters never win.

It's nice to see quitting get its due, or at the very least a little more attention.  Quitting is actually a really important life skill, and essential to learning what is important, respecting yourself enough to go for it, and actually achieving it.  One of the most important things a young person can do for their career starting out is to quit jobs and move on.  It's the easiest way to bump your salary when you are getting started, and it helps provide opportunities to learn and grow your skills.  Quitting and starting something new also helps you figure out what kind of job you want.

So don't feel bad about quitting!  Just make sure that you are quitting the right things, use the 85% rule, and when you do quit, make sure you really quit.

What Graduate School is Like

As a recovering graduate student I suppose it made sense for me to include a survey on this blog.  Not very many of you have taken it in the few years it's been up, but thankfully I included some open ends (qual nerd here!) so I at least have some entertaining answers.

My favorite question:

Forest Gump said "Life is like a box of chocolates." What is graduate school like? 

Some of you compared graduate school to a cult.  One of you said you felt like a mouse in a maze.

Then there was this great quote:

Grad school is like a searching for gold in the 1800s. The promise of a better life only leads you to hardship and living in squalor, and all you get out of it is a few nuggets that are actually useful.

#Burn. 

I always loved metaphor analysis. Stories are universal to the human condition and our brains seem uniquely suited for metaphorical descriptions. Metaphors reveal fundamental assumptions and understandings that might otherwise remain obscured.  That and they are hilarious.  

Metaphors are also about perspective.  The person who described graduate school as mice lost in the maze also helpfully pointed out that "there is always a way out."  It might be graduating, or it might be quitting, but a maze by definition has an exit. 

What do you think graduate school is like?  Your response may be the answer that helps guide your path out. 

Should you Leave or Stick it Out?

Graduate school is an intensive experience of socilazation that involves breaking you down and rebuilding you into a scholar.  That process is painful, stressful and involved.  You will stretch in ways you never could have imagined, and will literally find that you will come to see the world in a different way.

Sometimes it can be difficult to sort out whether you are expericing a period of stress, or whether you really are burned out because this isn't the path for you. If you are reading this because you can't decide, here are some steps that may help you step back and analyze:

Where are you in the program?

If you have a major milestone like a thesis due, you just need to make sure that you will have the energy to get across the finish line.  You may also want to consider whether you are tired of graduate school beaucase of where you are in your program, or whether this really just isn't for you.

Talk to other graduate students.  Is it normal for people to feel this way around Comp exams/Coursework phase/insert other milestone here?  Depending on your program, there may be milestones when people tend to evaluate what they are doing and where they are going.

Sometimes we need more help in determining stress and burn out.  I can't recommend enough the use of a good therapist (which is often covered through your graduate student fees), or a good book like Finding Your Own North Star or the Artists Way.

Two Years and Counting...and No Regrets!

I don't check this blog but every six or twelve months, but I find it incredibly important to leave it up as a guiding beacon for those going through the painful transition of leaving graduate school. The advice I gave several years ago was raw, timely, and very much driven by my lived experience as I decided that staying for my PhD wasn't for me. I thought it might be helpful to know that years later I have no regrets, and still feel my decision ranks among the best choices I have made so far.

This is not to say that I don't have regrets, but none of them center on finishing grad school. Instead, as someone struggling with fertility issues I wish I had tried to have kids earlier.  I wish I had run for city council like so many people in my community encouraged me to--especially now that I am working I have to worry about getting my boss' permission and conflict of interest concerns. I wish I had pursued more of my artistic projects, including stand up comedy that I feel would be potentially problematic now that I am working in a more sensitive job. If anything, I wish I had been braver.

As you think about whether to stay or go, think carefully about what you really want out of life. But know that regardless of what choices you make now, you will have more choices to make in the future.  I can't recommend again the importance of doing some real soul searching now.  Maybe that involves a therapist (which I highly recommend), or maybe it's just some great books like Finding Your Own North Star or the Artists Way.  Even if you leave for a fabulous job, you'll likely be leaving for another job in the future.  So think about that 85% rule: don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good, but take your time to figure out what you really want.

Giving Notice: How to Gracefully Exit out of Graduate School Part II

My post on the logistical aspects of giving notice has been among my most popular, and continues to recieve significant traffic. First, given how much time and energy graduate students invest in their programs, it makes sense not to burn bridges when you leave.  Second, I like to think that this post provides an opportunity to plan for the future rather than worry about it:  leaving involves so much soul searching that it can be really constructive to channel that energy into the actual steps that action involves.

While that post dealt with the process of infoming advisors, Libet asked an excellent question in the comments about when the best time to give notice is.  Do you wait for the end of the semester?

I ultimately decided when to give notice based on the TA selection deadlines. Drawing on my time in the private sector and the ritual of the traditional two weeks notice, it made sense to me that I should let everyone know with enough warning that my replacement could be lined up. Our assignments were normally finalized and announced in mid December so I gave notice the first week of the month so that the TA coordinator had one or two weeks to make adjustments and do some on campus interviews since she would have to hire outside the department. She also had the built in cushion of winter break for her to make arrangements.

Concerns Over Giving Notice too Early

I think the biggest concerns with having the conversation too early in the semester are concerns over grades (though in graduate school these concerns tend to be less a problem) or if you are leaving at a degree milestone and have concerns your advisors will lose interest or not pass you. The reality is once you quit most departments will just want to pass you out. I also worried if I told my advisor too early she would find a way to talk me out of it--though you will get questions regarding whether you are just burnt out with end of semester stress if you wait.

There is also something about deciding you no longer have to do something you hate that makes finishing out your time increadibly difficult.  When I quit a job many years ago I had expected giving notice would lead me to feel relieved.  Instead it made the tedium of my responsibilities almost unbearable. Once I had given myself permission to leave, the fact that I was still there even if only for a few more weeks was more painful than I anticipated.  If you have a major milestone like a thesis due, you just need to make sure that you will have the energy to get across the finish line.  

Finally, my biggest concern on timing had to do with concerns over not having any employment. I ended up giving notice without a job lined up because by that point I had decided I would rather work at Starbucks than stick around an extra semester, and it all worked out fine. The benefit of being paid poverty level wages is that pretty much ANY job will pay more. That makes it a bit easier to quit in some ways.

So to all of you considering when and how to notify everyone about your decision good luck! This process is ultimately about finding the right balance of what works for you, so while it is important to consider the consequences of how you go about executing your decision don't overthink it.  Think it through, then listen to yourself and do what feels right. Just remember, this too shall pass and taking the first step toward asserting what works for you and what doesn't is a powerful move with the potential to set things in motion.

The Best Advice on Graduate Schools is from those who Left

I work with a number of junior staff who are already thinking about graduate school.  Many are fresh off their B.A.s, most have great jobs that they will later regret leaving, but at 23 they all recognize that at some point in the next few years the will be going back to school.  I thank my lucky stars that I am done with my education and can ensconse myself deeper and deeper into my awesome job on a daily basis.  My co workers don't realize how good we have it, but I do and I am not leaving.

Even though I quit my graduate program, I understand and even endorse them furthering their education because I recognize that my M.A. will secure me a higher salary and provided me with important skills.  But I do have some advice that I wish someone had told me before I applied to schools.

1) Don't just research schools and departments--research the discipline you think you want to go into.  Think you like urban planning?  Look up some course syllabai online and look at what they cover.  Most importantly, pull some journal articles from the major journals of the field and READ THE ARTICLES.  Had I done this, I never would have applied to my program because I would have realized what I only learned later:  that in addition to seeming to speak in tongues, the scholars in my discipline held epistemological and ontological orientations that I did not share.  Instead, I realized in my first semester of graduate school that I had made a huge mistake, but still suffered through four years of conferences,  colloquiums, courses and publications that made me want to scratch my eyes out.

2) Realize that you will pay with either loans or your soul.  If you don't want to pay for graduate school and go into debt, get accepted to a top Ph.D. program that will pay you through a research assistantship or a teaching assistanship.  You will live in poverty, but you will not graduate in debt unless you chose to live in an expensive city.  You will however have a program that is intense, works you to the bone, and likely focuses exclusively on theory, grinding out publications, and becoming a professor.  This is fine if these are your interests and goals, but if like me you envision an applied future, you will pay with your soul.

Or, you can find a fun and interesting terminal M.A. program and actually have fun in graduate school.  You will have debt, and you need to be careful that your program will actually lead to a job and give you the skills you need to do that job.  While a Ph. D. is designed to train you as a professor, most terminal M.A.'s are designed to make $$$$$$ for the University.  The aren't always very rigorous, and the may be expensive overblown post undergraduate experiences that don't actually lead anywhere but student loan land.  And graduating with high debt loads does impact what kinds of jobs you take when you graduate. You may have fun doing your M.A., but it is not so fun having to go work in some miserable but decent paying job for five years in order to get out of that debt.

3) Recognize that where you go to school geographically is likely where your best job prospects will be located.  Especially if your degree program provides internship experience, the community you attend school in is likely to be the place you have the most references, introductions, and networking opportunities.  If you go to law school in Chicago, you will likely work in a law school in Chicago for your internships.  Your professors will have contacts with, you guessed it, Chicago law firms. Now with law many large firms have offices throughout the country.  This is not so common when your professional degree is in museum studies, or Chinese antiquities.  Likewise if you want to do a professional degree in an area with distinct geographic centers, like public policy, you should probably attend a school with a campus in your State Capitol or D.C. You need to go to where the jobs are, and that may mean going to school in the city you want to end up in.

4)  Go to the best program in your field that you can get into.  The reality is that success is in large part who you know and what resources you have access to, not your merits.  It sucks, but the sooner you learn this about life the better.  Going to Harvard helps you not just because you are surrounded by smart people, but because smart people know that being around other competitive smart people pays off.  Who your network of professors are, who can write you letters or recommendation, or refer you to employers matters.  Some of the kids in your classes can be dumber than your friend at another school, but the friendships and connections they forge with their classmates will be more valuable to them than the content of their classes. Everything is about who you know, and you should know that the best and brightest are likely to be attracted to the best programs.

5) Get work exerience.  In your field.  That let's you know what kind of work you want to do.  You really should be able to make the argument in your applications that you love and work in SUBJECT X, and want to do XYZ with it, but realize that to take your career to the next level you NEED to get the training and expertise that a degree in ABC gives you.  Or in the case of a Ph.D. your work and applied experience in SUBJECT X has led you to a point you want to study it.  You need this experience to make sure you know that the investment in your education is worth it, but it is also the secret key to getting into the best programs. You need a narrative about you and your path in life, and in order for it to be convincing you need to show you have taken the first few steps and are already well down the path.    You also need it so that when you have your degree you are not that simultaneously overeducated underqualified person who cannot get hired.

6) You need to work your ass off.  Even if you want to be a professor and crawl into the nearest ivory tower and never come out again, you better keep a foot in the types of organizations you want to study or potentially have as a back up career.  Tenure track positions these days require applying for  securing grant funding, and service, and community involvement.  The connections you maintain to the outside world will either be your life line if things don't work out, or what sets you apart as a junior faculty fighting for the limited pool of funding and jobs.

7) Understand the term opportunity cost.  Even if your grad school is paid for, if it is not moving you forward in life it is keeping you from doing other things. Delaying those other things (relationships, kids, contributing to retirement, being happy ) can set you back in life.  So be 85% sure this is the path for you, and make sure you have thought about where you want your life to be five years from now.

We all know what they say about advice: everyone loves to give it but no one wants to take it.   But hind sight is also 20/20, and for what it is worth this is what I wish someone would have told me.

You Will Do Impulsive Things--and that is OK!

When I reflect on the last month of deciding to leave graduate school, I realize I did some impulsive things.  I recognized it at the time.  In fact, I encouraged myself.  I had stayed in part out of a sense of inertia, so it seemed logical that if I was going to leave, I needed to shake up my life and do things differently.

Sometimes this has meant staying up late to watch a movie with my husband.  I also signed up on impulse for a five day online writing course that starts tonight, which while it cost some money got me excited.  This weekend, it involved putting off the grading of over 50 papers until Sunday night. Being impulsive has even been as simple as blogging (like right now) when I should be writing a paper that is past its due date. And recently, it has involved buying a sex toy.

See, I had a dream a few weeks ago in which a good friend casually gave me a carefully wrapped present that she told me "was just what you need:"  inside was a collection of sex toys.  It wasn't a sexual dream so much as a sort of to do list.  When I woke up, I puzzled over the symbolic meaning, then told my essential self, "Ok, I hear you."  I needed to get out of my comfort zone and do something different. I needed to let loose, and not be so uptight.  And apparently my brain was worried I wouldn't get an abstract message, so it  needed to hit me over the head in a literal way.  I decided that if I did what my dreams told me to do, I might have more dreams with equally practical instructions, on hopefully more helpful things like getting a job, or figuring out what I wanted out of life.  It seemed like a win win situation.

So I marched down to town and into my local lingerie shop.  I told her I needed a stocking stuffer, and examined the mini toys at the front check out.  When I didn't see anything I wanted I went up stairs.  The lady who worked there, all prim and proper,  realized “Oh, you meant a naughty stocking stuffer.”  Yes I did, I replied.  “Let me know if you want any advice,” she offered.  There were rows of huge vibrators and anal beads, and things I couldn't even figure out where they went, but I decided I would not be that bold.   I tried to see if I recognized any of them from my dream, and read the backs of the packages.  Phaltate free! They exclaimed.  I grabbed two contenders and marched back downstairs.  “Which one do you recommend?” I asked, “Well, that one has five settings, and that one is just the one.”  Great, ever practical I took the value pack. 

While this may seem weird, there's no one path to leaving graduate school. If it's by way of the sex shop, so be it.