Transitioning Out of Grad School: What To Wear

Leaving graduate school involves a lot of change and upheaval.  It might mean adopting a new 9-5 schedule, or deciding that Every Word of a Title Should Be Capitalized (thank you very much), or  it might entail a  new wardrobe.  Graduate students enjoy the luxury of being able to wear whatever they want: t-shirts and ripped jeans, skull motifs, or dreadlocks.  On the other hand, graduate students are often wearing what they can afford, and putting together a new work wardrobe can be expensive.

So how do you go about building a career wardrobe before your first pay check comes in? Don't go overboard. In a pinch you can get away with rotating clothes and changing out accessories to stretch five tops, one or two pairs of pants, and a skirt for the first two weeks.  The key is to not wear the same top and bottom, or layer a cardigan or distinctive necklace to make your outfit look different.  Don't believe it can be done? Check out this blog which restyled the same dress 365 different ways for an entire year.

I recommend beginning to acquire pieces as you go. Getting a suit or picking up a few tops for conferences mean you should already have an interviewing outfit.  For those of you trying to assemble an entire wardrobe, or curious about what it entails, I've put together some suggestions based on 1) My experience of what I actually use; 2) Some tips for saving money.

What to Buy New:

You need one classic suit.  Normally, I would recommend a matching black suit jacket and pants with a skirt.  Express, Banana Republic, and Macy's are good places to purchase these. Express and Macy's both have frequent coupons either in the paper or by mail.  Expect to pay between $150-$350 if you aren't willing to spend a lot of time and energy trying to save money.

However, if you have at least one good black suit jacket, women can get away with getting a suit set from Ross or Marshals, where you are unlikely to find the perfect basic black suit.  I often find Anne Klein, Tahari, or Calvin Klein for $100 or less for a full suit, but often in gray, or a less formal cut than you would want for your most versatile or classic wardrobe.  But, if you are pressed for cash it may be cheaper for you to just purchase a nice black jacket you can mix with separates,  and the best-looking and best-fitting full suit you can find.  Unless you are working in the most corporate of environments, a non-black suit will be just fine.  You might even feel overdressed or like catering staff if you wear a black suit jacket and black pants in a less than super formal work environment.

Of course, if you can find a full suit at a thrift store or consignment shop in good condition, congratulations!  I've never been able to do it, but pat yourself on the back and please put the money you save toward happy hour.

What to Buy Used:

Once you have a nice suit and/or a versatile black jacket, you can afford to expand your search.  I find that the easiest work attire to find at thrift stores and consignment second hand shops are sweaters and tops, and skirts.  Work appropriate dresses are generally harder to find, and attractive suits that look like they are made for people under the age of eighty five are generally rare.  The exception is uncoordinated jackets. I have picked up tons of blazers in various colors and textures, which work great mixed with the various skirts and tops (leather, corduroy, plaid, blue, etc.).
 
Skirts and dresses can be dry cleaned, or you can tie them in a pillow case and hope they make it. If your purchases from the thrift store smell, throw a cup of white vinegar into the washing machine and voila!  Everything will come out unscented.   If you skip this step, it doesn't matter how many loads you run it through, something about the vinegar really removes any scent.

How much should you expect to spend?  Well, there are some great places where everything is 99 cents.  I don't have those where I live. In my experience, a thrift store dress will run you between $3 to $9, and skirts $3-$6 (at least where I shop).  You might decide it is worth the risk to see if it can survive a cold wash hang dry on delicate.  Dress shirts are typically $3-$5 a piece, and you can get a sweater or dressy top for between $2-$5.  The upper ranges I have listed here are generally for the best quality, brand name items, and I don't often pay that much.

So, to recap: What Do You Need for Your New Wardrobe?

One Suit (Buy New)
One black jacket (Buy New)
Dress Shirts (Buy at Thrift Store, five in assorted colors)
Sweaters (Buy at Thrift Store, five in assorted colors, including black)
Cardigans or button up sweaters (Buy new or used; three in black, a neutral brown, and your favorite color)
Tops (Buy at Thrift Store, non-button up, and not long sleeve sweaters, up to ten, in assorted colors. )

Tips:

If you buy one suit, make it gray or black.  Brown and Navy are more distinctive and harder to wear frequently.  Striped can work if they are not too distinctive.  Once you have the basics, then you can add additional suits.

If you are big busted, traditional button up shirts might not be for you.  I can't stand how the buttons create a gap and won't lie flat, so I finally abandoned shirts for sweaters and dressy tops.  I've never looked back.  Of course, you can also wear some button up shirts open over a tank top.

Add a cup of white vinegar to the washing machine to remove any scent that lingers.

Some thrift stores also have necklaces and bracelets. You can also check Target, and Forever 21. I look for colored pieces to mix and match with different outfits.  I have a mix of green, yellow, turquoise, and coral that match at least three of my tops.

Anthropologie often marks its belts down significantly on sale.  I have picked up some really nice, distinctive belts for as cheap as $10.  Remember, you can wear a belt under an open cardigan, or over the cardigan to create a more polished look.

My favorite resource for shoes is Nordstrom's rack (boots and colored dress shoes).  For a classic pair of heels that aren't so high they kill your feet and you can walk in, you can't beat Nine West.

Try shopping in some regular stores to learn which brands fit you.  Then you can go out and look for those labels or wait for a sale.  If you have a hard time finding things that fit you, thrift store shopping can be educational because you get to try so many brands.

I haven't discussed quality and how to identify fabrics at all. Luckily, frugal scholar does that.  Ultimately, this is the most important part of successful second-hand shopping.

If you are really tiny, try J Crew, Banana Republic, Forever 21, BCBG, Express, and Theory ($$$).  

Do a clothing exchange with friends.

Shop your closet. You may have more work appropriate clothes than you realize, and pulling everything out to inventory it first can save you money.

You Will Do Impulsive Things--and that is OK!

When I reflect on the last month of deciding to leave graduate school, I realize I did some impulsive things.  I recognized it at the time.  In fact, I encouraged myself.  I had stayed in part out of a sense of inertia, so it seemed logical that if I was going to leave, I needed to shake up my life and do things differently.

Sometimes this has meant staying up late to watch a movie with my husband.  I also signed up on impulse for a five day online writing course that starts tonight, which while it cost some money got me excited.  This weekend, it involved putting off the grading of over 50 papers until Sunday night. Being impulsive has even been as simple as blogging (like right now) when I should be writing a paper that is past its due date. And recently, it has involved buying a sex toy.

See, I had a dream a few weeks ago in which a good friend casually gave me a carefully wrapped present that she told me "was just what you need:"  inside was a collection of sex toys.  It wasn't a sexual dream so much as a sort of to do list.  When I woke up, I puzzled over the symbolic meaning, then told my essential self, "Ok, I hear you."  I needed to get out of my comfort zone and do something different. I needed to let loose, and not be so uptight.  And apparently my brain was worried I wouldn't get an abstract message, so it  needed to hit me over the head in a literal way.  I decided that if I did what my dreams told me to do, I might have more dreams with equally practical instructions, on hopefully more helpful things like getting a job, or figuring out what I wanted out of life.  It seemed like a win win situation.

So I marched down to town and into my local lingerie shop.  I told her I needed a stocking stuffer, and examined the mini toys at the front check out.  When I didn't see anything I wanted I went up stairs.  The lady who worked there, all prim and proper,  realized “Oh, you meant a naughty stocking stuffer.”  Yes I did, I replied.  “Let me know if you want any advice,” she offered.  There were rows of huge vibrators and anal beads, and things I couldn't even figure out where they went, but I decided I would not be that bold.   I tried to see if I recognized any of them from my dream, and read the backs of the packages.  Phaltate free! They exclaimed.  I grabbed two contenders and marched back downstairs.  “Which one do you recommend?” I asked, “Well, that one has five settings, and that one is just the one.”  Great, ever practical I took the value pack. 

While this may seem weird, there's no one path to leaving graduate school. If it's by way of the sex shop, so be it. 

Giving Notice: How to Gracefully Exit Graduate School

So I haven't been blogging lately, in part due to the whirlwind of activity that has defined my life in the past few weeks. First, I should announce that I officially gave notice just over a week ago. Second, I should emphasize that I did so without having a job lined up.  Third, I should mention that I have never felt happier, more free, or like life has more potential.  Ultimately, I decided that my desire to leave was strong enough that not having a secure offer was ok, but it tool a lot of work to get to that point.

How does one exactly give notice?  I had four nominal bosses in my program:  the department chair, with whom I worked closely on research; my adviser, with whom I am very close; my TA supervisor, who assigned us to courses and needed to be informed ASAP regarding my decision; and the department personal/secretary who seemed to have her hand in everything administrative.  Who I even needed to tell, let alone in what order they should be informed, presented quite the roadblock.

Ultimately, email seemed to make the most sense for me since my biggest fear was being talked out of leaving. This allowed me to carefully consider my reasons, and make sure I communicated them in a straight forward way that left little room for doubt.  I wrote a draft, then had a fellow grad who has contemplated leaving many times, but was emotionally removed from the process, edit my emails.  I also paid a visit to everyone I emailed, or talked with them by phone.  This allowed them to ask questions, but having already framed my leaving in the email, these conversations went much more smoothly.

Mainly I focused on the fact that my leaving had everything to do with my realization that my ideal job involved both a different path and different set of tasks than the Ph.D. provided.  While I valued my experiences and training, I realized I no longer wanted to do research.  This made my leaving a lot easier for the faculty to process.  Many of the people who questioned my leaving were not trying to undermine my decision, they simply wanted to make sure I had thought everything through.  Many felt shocked and surprised by my decision, and felt obligated to ask about how I arrived at my choice.  Several alluded to the fact that I was a successful graduate student, and seemed genuinely perplexed that someone who was not  having problems would chose to leave.

If you decide to quit don't be shocked or upset if people ask why.

Understand that questioning does not mean that you are being judged for your decision.  This was my greatest fear in leaving.  Meeting with my therapist the Friday before to discuss my leaving, my worst case scenario included being scolded, yelled at, and shut out.  Instead, I could not have scripted a better exit: my faculty were sad, but supportive, and even helped me look into how to structure my leave so that if I decide to return I can.  They told me they respected my decision (several even called it brave and courageous) and said that they would welcome me back with open arms if I decided to finish.  The encouraged me to look into various options, and supported my leaving in a way that provided me the most flexibility.  I will be working with several of them to finish publications over the next few months, and they have emphasized that I can continue to use my institutional affiliation for those publications.  I was even asked how they can support me in leaving (extended library privileges, Please!).

Part of my luck is a direct result of the fact that as a graduate student I went out of my way to talk to faculty, whether they were in my relevant area or not. I said hi in the hallway, volunteered for department service, and generally tried to engage with everyone, including admins.  Life is about relationships, and now that I am leaving I have a lot of people who are wishing me well.  Even when our graduate student life is unfulfilling and angst inducing, the opportunities we have to engage with others can also provide a ladder out, either through references or leads on other jobs.  It feels nice to leave on my own terms, and with the support of even those who while sad about my decision, want the best for me.  Even though I'm not finishing in the way that was expected, I still want to exit successfully: with grace, good will, and optimism.  If you're reading this because you are thinking of leaving, good luck!  If you are still questioning whether to stay, I want you to know there is light on the other end.  

Read Giving Notice:  How to Gracefully Exit Graduate School Part II 

Quitting is a Pain in the Neck

Ever since I resolved to quit school in early November, I have felt an unbearable tension in my neck.  At first, I thought I must have slept on it funny.  Actually, if I am being honest, I think I leaned on it weird at the bar during a night of debauchery with another bitter graduate student friend.  While letting off some steam should have left me feeling great, the next morning my neck was killing me.  I have been in pain all month.

Normally, I would have treated this as a physical problem, but I have experienced this before. You see, when I get really stressed, my body rebels.  My back goes out, or I end up on crutches (really), or some other gnarly incapacity which invariably prompts everyone to ask "What HAPPENED?" To which I invariably have no answer except "Nothing, I woke up this way and think my body is just freaking out."  It's a seriously disappointing answer when  you essentially cannot walk and people have images of grand car accidents or a gnarly cliff diving incident.

So I knew that the neck thing was likely stress.  I tried to get my neck to cooperate.  I meditated, I started journaling again, I got into lucid dreaming. I tried stress reduction and listened to my body.  None of it worked.  I decided it was sitting hunched over my laptop, which I just can't avoid.  Finally, I called and made an appointment for my therapist.

I can't underscore the importance of a good therapist if you are considering quitting graduate school.  While friends and family are a great source of support, you need a safe impartial place to talk through the fears, desires, and issues you may be hiding from even yourself.   I scheduled my appointment for directly after a department lecture, perhaps presciently.  After a particularly brutal and appalling session (attack of the academics!), I rushed out early to make my appointment.   Most of the session was spent in tears.  The word "comprehensive exams" served as a trigger.  We couldn't even discuss my impending exams without my tearing up into a hysterical mess.  Everytime I thought about staying, I started bawling.  After mapping out various employment scenerios my therapist finally asked why I needed a job to quit.  She looked genuinely appalled by the situation I was in. I was doing catastrophe thinking, she said, and recognizing this would make things better.

She was right.  We talked honestly about my fears, the sources of those fears, and I heard myself saying things I didn't ever normally let myself think: like how I wanted to quit and walk away even without employment, and what I felt was holding me back.  For whatever reason I had decided that I needed my paltry, poverty level stipend, when the reality is that even working at Starbucks would pay better (and provide health insurance!).  Deep down, I felt it was only ok to leave for something better.

By the end of the session, I was a hot sniveling mess, but I felt free.  It was only driving home that I noticed I didn't have anymore neck pain.  And it hasn't returned.

There is no right or wrong way to leave.  There isn't even a right or wrong way for you to leave.  Be open to possibilities, but know that all doors are open.  If you are struggling and having a hard time, you may be closing doors on yourself.  Which is why it is such a good thing to have an outside person who can help you decipher the crazy mixed up feelings and legitimate fear leaving entails.

Repeating College When you Didn't Flunk

I am now three and a half years into graduate school.  For someone who graduated with a double major with honors while studying abroad (twice), I suddenly realize that I have now essentially doubled my college education.

Let me repeat that:  I have now spent almost as much time in graduate school as I did in undergrad.

Put another way, I have essentially doubled the amount of time spent in college. Compared to my friends who went straight into the workforce, it is like I went to college twice.  And I didn't even flunk!  In fact, I excelled in college.

While I realize that graduate school is completely different experience, and is not in fact like repeating the B.A. experience since you go so in depth in your subject area, and spend time TAing, researching, and really taking your research to the next level, from a raw time perspective it might be a worthwhile way of getting some perspective on the madhouse that is higher ed.

I know that when I think about staying (only!) two more years to finish, thinking about the fact that I have already spent as much time in grad school as I did in undergrad *which felt like a significant and formative chunk of time, I suddenly become much more protective of letting the system mold me any longer.  I've given the University enough of my life.

What is it About Graduate School?

I LOVE this post about should I go to graduate school.  It's just snarky and bitter enough to match my mood.  It also talks about the insidious, totalizing aspects of graduate school that are often difficult to articulate. When I try to explain to people about how consuming graduate school is, they don't really get it.  At least not in the way that this guy does:   

"For all these reasons, graduate school is not something you want to experiment with. Think heroin--this is your brain, this is your brain on graduate school. Think Al Pacino in "Godfather 3"--just when you think you are out, you will l be sucked back in again. Academia, especially in the humanities and the social sciences, is a total culture. It colonizes most aspects of your life. You are never not an academic--the little mental tape recorder is on all the time, or it had better be if you want to be good at this life. Anything is grist for my mill as a teacher and a scholar, and that is as it should be. Graduate school is, if anything, even more totalizing than this. It gets into your pores.  Somewhere in the back of your head, your dissertation or your oral exams will be burrowing outwards through your brain tissue with incisors of fear."  

I can feel them! 

The notion of graduate school as so totally consuming is also part of what scares me about leaving.  Much like driving a manual car, then suddenly driving an automatic seems so stupidly simple as to be boring.  I worry that down shifting from academia to a regular job, even if it is a socially and intellectually stimulating one, will make me feel like something is missing: like it will forever ruin me. That I somehow have permanent head damage, and will never think the same way again.  That is likely true, so to get more specific, I'll go back to the previous author who put it so succinctly: "It changes your standards for what is good and what is bad, what is smart and what is dumb."

Of course, maybe what will be missing is the neuroses, the fear, the constant criticism and sense that I should be doing something (writing up an article for publication, attending another brain numbing panel session, etc.).     And that would be something to look forward to!

Spiritual Emergency

I haven't been blogging much in the last week, mainly because I haven't had anything to say.  The holiday and visiting family served as its own form of distraction, but I also have been struggling with how I feel about leaving. In the last few days I've vacillated between feeling trapped, angry, anxious, and upset.  Several nights I experienced full on panic attacks.  

I seem to have hit the bump in the road that some refer to as a spiritual emergency.  Despite expecting such set backs, they are strikingly disruptive.  In searching online, I stumbled across a post I thought really did a good job of giving voice to this crisis.   He also recommends a book by the name of Spirtual Emergency, a phrase that resonates with this stage in the journey. 

It can be tempting to view set backs as a sign you're on the wrong track, that life won't work out, and you are destined for failure.  Instead, I am trying to view this moment as a realization that my current stage is highly uncertain: whether I will have a job and be able to leave before next semester, whether I will have to sit for comp exams, and even whether I am truly ready to walk away are highly stressful to deal with.  Of course I am going to feel like having a nervous breakdown in the face of these challenges, but they are part of a process toward a a new life.  

As Jayson Gaddis wrote, "Yet, for the few of us who see a massive identity breakdown as a step toward wholeness, instead of illness, we can take the view that this is a natural stage toward genuine human health and expanded consciousness."

I like that sentiment, even if it is hard to remember in the grips of my panic. 

Graduate Student Exploitation

I'm incredibly lucky that in my own situation, I'm not dealing with a horrible adviser, or faculty who are stealing graduate student research.  I just don't like graduate school.

Yet the article referenced above really does reveal one of the challenges of graduate student life:  as a grad student, you are in a vulnerable position where the politics of your department and profession can make you feel powerless.  Interestingly enough, in the entire article about graduate students suing advisers and universities, the major reason a grad student may not come forward is ignored: it's not just that they think they can't win, it's that the relationship with one's adviser is what will result in a diss getting finished and approved, and the grad student getting out.  Often, it's the most poisonous people who control our destiny.  

I also don't think that these problems are rare. In my own experience, I know at least one student this has happened to, and in a very egregious way.  Several others had less severe experiences with it, all the same adviser.  But not a single one wants to say anything, and they all begged me not to either given the power this person has over their lives. 

Listening to Myself

Regardless of what the future holds for me, I'm working on listening to myself.  It's not always easy.  One way I'm trying is by meditating.  I used to meditate when I was in college, but never very consistently, and I found it a hard habit to form and a difficult one to practice.

My new solution is both innovative and a bit weird   You see, I have decided the best place to meditate is on  the toilet.  Not while going to the bathroom (though it sounds like it works for this guy), but with the lid down seated in full lotus on the lid.  It's the one place in the house that people expect to be left alone, and it is not somewhere I routinely hang out with a wifi connection. The bathroom also offers the advantage that no matter where you go, a hotel on a trip, the in-laws, there is one waiting for you.  This helps considerably with consistency. 

So far I have been pretty successful over the past two days this method has been under review.  It really brings new meaning to the phrase "praying to the porcelain God."  

Quitting Grad School: A Whimper or a Bang?

Well, another job out of the running, so I am down to two (pretty good shot) applications, neither of which will get going with interviews for at least a week.  That means I continue in limbo land.

In the meantime, I've been thinking about how I actually quit.  Do I need to have a job lined up? I kind of feel like I should. It seems stupid to walk away from full funding and health insurance if my leads don't pan out, though I would have to stay through comps which I don't want to take if I don't finish. I also don't exactly live in an area with great local job base for my area of work, but I want to stay here where my family and my community connections are.

Job issue aside, do I walk away preserving my relationships with people, or go out with some snark and post a bunch of fake course listings?