Doubts on Leaving Graduate School

Lately, I’ve been having second (third, fourth, upteen) thoughts on leaving.  Part of me worries that I might regret walking away.  I still don’t want to teach, lecture, grade or attend socializing events.  I don’t even want to write my dissertation, or go through the stress of comp exams.  I just feel like I am prepared enough now that I have so much invested, that maybe I shouldn’t walk away.   

This is a concept known in economics as sunk costs, or the notion that when we calculate how much more we should invest, we think about how much we have already spent.  Economists think this is crazy, by the way, because it often results in people throwing good money after bad. If a gambler has already lost $500, the last thing they should do is throw an additional $100 after the bad debt.  Sure, they might get lucky, but what they have been doing isn’t working. 

Many of the bloggers who write about leaving graduate school have talked about sunk costs. The reason sunk costs come up so much is that quitting is uncomfortable.  While some quit in the first semester, most of us seem to be quitting further in, when suddenly all the time and effort we have already spent looms before us to become justification for devoting even more time.  For a really great break down on when to leave, check out this post on LeavingAcademia.com.  While the author talks about leaving during a recession, if you scroll down you will find a prescient analysis of when you should leave graduate school.

I know that objectively if I stay through next semester I will be miserable.  I also know that I do not want to stay through the dissertation.  Even my guilt isn’t very logical since I am just talking about sinking more time, but not enough to finish.  So I don’t know that my concern is even about the sunk costs so much as the finality of leaving.  The fact that I have funding, and a fellowship in a top department means leaving closes this door forever which should be a good thing, but is still hard.

When I think about the fact that I have finished all of my coursework, it’s that no other University will ever recognize that coursework without making me jump through a bunch of hoops and even more coursework that it truly feels wasted.  I know that I really will never go back.   The fact that I have done all this reading for comps, and won’t even “do anything” with it, makes me feel like I should write my comprehensive exams on my own from my new job and send them to my (former) faculty.  Yes, writing that statement makes me feel crazy. 

The truth is that I am sorting out several difficult issues: the guilt of walking away from something that I should want but don't; the guilt of not finishing something I started (I can hear my dad's voice now); and my own personal foible of having a very hard time just being done with something.  I always think I am going to stay involved, and then I feel guilty when I invariably don’t, so I lose track of relationships and lose the connections to friends and people I really enjoyed. 

So I’m creating this as a challenge for myself: I will leave graduate school, and when I do, I will really leave.  I am not going to promise to submit articles, or do additional rewrites.  I am just going to be done.  I am going to walk away from a life that is not for me, and that means leaving all of its trappings and endless lists of unfinished things I should do. 

Because I am going to quit.  And I am going to let myself fully shut that door, and walk away.