An Ode to Joy

One thing about graduate school that really surprised me is the extent to which the whole experience can just suck any joy out of life.  Like a succubus perched on the chest of the sleeping Victorians, I felt my life essence draining away due to what I now recognize as situational depression.  While graduate school can be a time of wonderment and exploration for those truly suited to it, for me graduate school was like one really long illness that left me exhausted, numbed out, and emotionally drained.  I had a hard time leaving my work at school, and this interfered with my ability to do anything else, especially enjoy myself. 

This fall, when I finally gave myself permission to leave, doing things I enjoyed suddenly became possible again.  I’ve been listening to music, writing, and going on spontaneous outings with my husband that I normally would have turned down.  I’ve been less rigid with planning my day, and when things don’t go right, I just adjust rather than freak out.  As my therapist put it, I’m learning to live less on the edge.  In fact, I’ve been having so much fun that I have been staying up way too late and paying the price since I still get up early.

My favorite time of the year is fall: I love Halloween, Thanksgiving, and most of all Christmas.  What I love even more than the holidays is their anticipation.  I begin thinking about pumpkins and costumes in September, and listening to Christmas music in October, and I put my tree up around Thanksgiving.  This year, with all the emotional work of leaving, I threatened to put the tree up in September.  But I’ve made it until now in part because my husband bought me a new tree for Christmas, and I am so excited as I wait for it to arrive.

This tree is the opposite of the graduate school practical tree.  This tree is not what my social self says a tree should be.  Rather than a practical green tree, it is a riotous, fantastical indulgence.  My new tree is a champagne colored, pre lit 6.5 foot slim profile tree.  I fell in love with it last year as a display tree at a local coffee shop, and looked up the specs determined to get one this year.  This is the Liberace of Christmas trees, and I am going to throw every glittery glass ornament I have at it. 

As I deal with the hard stuff of leaving, my ability to enjoy myself and feel happiness is increasing.  In fact, I’ve begun to think that actively seeking out opportunities to experience joy is an important part of the leaving process.   For me, that is going to be giving thanks for the opportunities I have had and will continue to have, as well as for my family, and friends.  As well as the simple joy of really enjoying the holidays this year, one ornament at a time.