Since I decided to leave my program, I've felt moments of soaring freedom, alternating with worry, fear, and concern for my future. The other day I confined to my husband I was scared I wouldn't be brave enough to leave. "Brave?" he told me, "What exactly is brave about leaving? This is a sinking ship, leaving is a GREAT thing!" Staying would be brave, he implied, only because it would be so foolish in face of the odds.
I'm a Type I leaver. I don't like teaching, don't want to do research anymore, and just don't fit in the university system. However, I recognize that academia is broken in ways that extend beyond my own personal dislikes of the profession. For the Type II leavers who came to graduate school because they wanted to be a Professor, the market is increasingly tough for a variety of reasons.
As many have pointed out, it's a terrible time for new Ph.D.s. Only seventy percent of current jobs are now tenure track , and the experience of tenure is increasingly brutal.
Moves toward online courses are growing, and if they take off what is to keep every student from going to Standford or MIT if they suddenly allow anyone to enroll online? Power law dynamics will assure that the most prestigious schools win out, especially if the scarcity introduced by physical space limitations can be removed via online lectures that allow 10,000 students to enroll.
All of this will put even more pressure on the academic job market, resulting in fewer tenure track teaching jobs, and more adjunct and temporary positions which pay less, provide less stability and protection, and for many necessitate the use of use of public assistance to get by. The University has moved to the disposable Professor model of adjuncting. Many were shocked by the Chronicle of Higher Education's piece exposing how the PhD now comes with food stamps, but I'll point out that in my own graduate program taking loans renders students ineligible for even this basic form of support. The fact that this is widely known and circulated underscores the grim realities for current grads and their recent former colleagues.
I can't claim to have been ignorant of these facts before I went back to school. Right around the time of application deadlines, I met someone who had recently completed their M.A. in my future subject area at a prestigious private school. "What luck!" I thought to myself, I could benefit from their perspective. Their shiny new degree had led to nothing--they were here groveling for work and connections at a cocktail party. It felt surreal to be answering his questions about job prospects as I alternatively picked his brain about programs. Though I do not recall being surprised: at the time I received emails for note takers, "everyone with a Ph.D.!"offering transcription services for the low rate of $40 per hour. It was less than I was making at the time with only a B.A. Despite logic, reason, and common sense, I decided to go to graduate school anyway.
Despite all of this, I still worry about leaving. I KNOW I will be happier, healthier, more satisfied with my life. But my fear and ego worry what if I don't get a good job? What if (gasp!) I somehow end up getting paid WORSE than I am now, with my consistent yet poverty level stipend and two additional jobs? What if I am that guy at the cocktail party, with years of my life gone and no prospect but to chat up recent undergraduates for employment?! They say the grass is always greener, but there are days I think it looks pretty bare on both sides of the fence.
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