Emotional work is hard. Being in the early stages of leaving graduate school is bringing up a lot of emotions for me. Just when you think everything is ok, something new hits. These revelations are painful, but are also necessary. Each day brings up more issues, but each day also get me closer to the source of my problem. Today I realized that a big reason I don't like being in graduate school is how constantly critical it is: your work is constantly critiqued, criticized, scrutinized, and torn down. That's not mean--it's just the process. But under certain circumstances and for certain people that process is death to creativity.
This type of criticism is not new, and its not confined to the profession. I recognize it a lot from my childhood, where fairly or not I constantly perceived my mother's critique in every response. It's particularly harsh when I want approval and a safe space to share and create, but don't seem to get it. I have a very difficult time putting my emotions and my creativity out there.
I realize this is something I need to get over. Part of it is my own fault: even though I know not to share certain ideas with people who can't be supportive of them, I insist on doing it anyway. Or I ask for feedback, which they interpret to mean honest critique and analysis, when what I really want is just their support and encouragement. I know on paper that I don't need the approval of others, and shouldn't depend on others for encouragement and momentum in my life. It's just sometimes, especially when I am feeling vulnerable about going out into the world, and doing things differently, I just need some encouragement. I don't expect everyone to sparkle with sunshine and magic unicorns, but when I am dealing with emotional issues, I would like an emotional rather than an analytical response.
I'm trying to get better about asking for that.
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